Amanda's Revenge 2008

I always knew it was a mistake to teach Amanda to read. This ability has not only allowed her to unmask clandestine, spelled conversations between parents, but also provided her access to the tawdry world of print, including our annual Christmas letter, in which we have been known to parody the oft humorous circumstances of her life (along with those of the less interesting members of her family). Last year, she took verbal umbrage over fun poked at her expense. This year, she took revenge.

A full text of her unexpergated work is included below. Keep in mind these are the thoughts of a nine year old -- the same nine year old who is wont to sit down at her desk and crank out fifteen, double-sided, letter size pages (complete with dialogue) on the fictional adventures of her friends, family, and/or Scooby Doo.

Seems it's time for the real writer in the family to stand up and be heard.

Dear Dad,
This year I am going to write YOU a Christmas letter and get revenge. Now let’s talk hair. You really don’t need that stuff anyway. Now you know, some bald men are very attractive to women that have just got out of jail or are mentally confused , but your lucky you got mom because you would have NEVER stand a chance. Christmas is the subject, so let’s get to it. This year your spending your Christmas Eve down stairs, because one, you have so much work to do that you can’t even move your butt upstairs and two, moms horrible snoring keeps you up all night so you go down there to sleep. Then you sleep late. (good job mom). From sleeping down stairs you say you got a sinus infection. Well I say you have it because you take TOO MANY VITAMINS! What about all those pills! You take so many of those that you could turn into one. (moms says that you are already one and not me). Allyson feels super bad about the whole thing, sort of , kind of, not really, nope, sorry and my favorite-man falling off of a cliff,Nooooooooooooooooo boom. Well that raps up this master piece. So, next year, Christmas time and see ya! Oh! Almost forgot that this MASTER PIECE is written(typed) by


AMANDA!!!

P.S. you don’t stand a chance to me next year!

2008 Layne Family Christmas Letter

It seems like yesterday we sat gazing upon the carnage of last Christmas, listening to the kids squeal with delight as they played amongst the heaps of boxes, bows, and diabolically impossible to open packaging, having lost interest in the contents of said parcels long before breakfast.

The Layne family spent the past year working to reduce their carbon footprint, while simultaneously increasing their Hannah Montana footprint, having spent close to the gross national product of Ecuador on every licensed Hannah Montana product in existence including HM cereal, underwear, toilet paper, floor wax, and motor oil – not to mention advance booking a week long stay in the yet-to-be-constructed Best of Both Worlds Resort at Disney World where every guest will be greeted with a blond wig upon arrival. Mark is looking forward to spending his first week since high school with hair.

Of the more significant events of 2008 was our temporary acquisition of a six week old Wheaton Terror named Daisy. The product of two years of incessant begging and whining on the part of Amanda, Daisy was with us for ten remarkable days during which she taught us all the meaning of the word “animal.” No one will ever forget returning home that first night after Daisy’s departure to a quiet, virtually excrement-free house.

In other scatological news, Karen tricked Mark into briefly joining a bowling league. An accomplished bowler herself, Karen felt compelled to explore her inner cheese head. Conversely Mark is to bowling as what cataracts are to a neurosurgeon. His sole contribution to the effort was to give his team a name – Bowl Movement – and, as it turns out, its identity.

Not unlike the intrepid American pioneers who braved harsh conditions and an unforgiving land to expand the frontiers of this great country, the Laynes piled into their air conditioned, video-screen-equipped minivan this past July and fought their way west to the renowned Black Hills of South Dakota. There they celebrated the birth of our nation beneath the mocking gaze of our forefathers who stand in proud, silent testament to the subjugation of native peoples and the desecration of their most sacred places. Afterward, they went out for ice cream. Much like National Lampoon’s Vacation, the kids most enjoyed the free dinosaur park, fighting at Wall Drug, and the ice-cold, insect-encrusted pit that passed for the resort swimming pool.

In September, Allyson began kindergarten. As with all things, she approached the experience with grave determination and sobriety. At Amanda’s urging to loosen up and have some fun, Ally cautiously abandoned her place in line to join the rest of her class on the playground, and promptly broke her right arm. The first ensuing days were pure anguish as Karen, Mark, and a team of psychiatrists worked round the clock to comfort and console their agonizing daughter. Amanda eventually recovered, able to accept the accident wasn’t her fault. Ally never skipped a beat, quickly adapting to her one-armed existence, rather enjoying her new fiberglass appendage and the damage it could inflict upon her sister.

Amanda continues to be the gasoline to Allyson’s fire. Earlier this year, Allyson began channeling deceased actor and comedian, Sam Kinneson, responding to requests such as get dressed, brush your teeth, get out of the street, and stop gouging your sister’s eye, with a resounding, “Ah-h-h! Ah-h-h-h-h!” In sporting news, Ally was fortunate to have her father co-coach her U6 soccer team (team motto: Come for the Game, Stay for the Snack). Mark was able to impart unto the team his wealth of soccer knowledge including useful tips on “kicking,” “passing,” how to achieve a “first down” and successful implementation of the “Tampa Bay Cover 2 Defense.” They didn’t win many games, but all enjoyed the camaraderie and tackling drills. When not practicing her penmanship – which she does indiscriminately, tagging the Layne household like a New York City subway platform – Ally continues to enjoy her after school opera lessons.

Amanda was invited to join a competitive dance team which has the family traveling to far off venues to watch her perform a hip-hop number featuring a complex series of twists, kicks, gyrations and twirls. When not competing, Amanda practices – incessantly wherever she happens to be, causing passers-by to stop, afraid she is having a seizure. The teachers at Amanda’s school are working hard to keep Amanda challenged. Next year she will be teaching eighth grade. Outside of dancing, Amanda enjoys finding new ways to make her sister cry, watching age-inappropriate television programs, and writing – her latest project translating classical literature into Sanskrit.

The extended Layne family gathered in Door County, WI, this year for Thanksgiving (since all the nearby indoor pools were booked). Still stinging from the turkey tar tare incident of several years previous, the group opted for the restaurant buffet. It was good to see Leslie and Jayson; the girls enjoyed having their cousin there to fight with.

Not much different in the lives of K & M. Karen spends her free time perfecting a whole-house Febreeze system (similar to a restaurant fire suppression system), while Mark continues his job as a high priced call girl.

In keeping with last year’s theme, as Aristotle once observed, “Melancholy men, of all others, are the most witty.”


Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,

Good Eats at Zoo

BROOKFIELD, IL – Dusti the giraffe is dead.

In a sad but true story, the eleven year fixture of the Chicago Zoological Park located in Brookfield, Illinois, somehow hanged himself in the ropes and rigging used to suspend baskets of food at mouth-height inside his enclosure.

Perhaps more troubling than the leggy creature’s demise, however, is the reaction of zoo staff to this unfortunate event.

My initial thoughts upon hearing this tragic news were, “Do you think it was a suicide?” and then, “Wonder what they’ll do with the meat?”

In his article, “Giraffe Recipes Reshelved Over Lack of Ingredients,” Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass posed just such a question to horrified zoo employees who expressed outrage at what they considered an impertinent – nay, sacrilegious question – as if John had suggested they were all baby-stealing, cat-torturing gypsies.

I don’t get it. If 3,000 pounds of choice meat fell out of the sky onto my dinner table, I’d mutter a quick prayer of thanks, then fire up the grill.

Say, for instance, a prize Angus steer wandered into your yard and died of a heart attack (no doubt from eating too much red meat). The last thing I would be inclined to do is tie it to my lawn tractor and drag it to the curb for garbage day. Angus beef? That’s good eatin’. And while
I don’t know whether giraffe meat is fit for the human palate, I must imagine any of the zoo’s many carnivores would find its tasty goodness reminiscent of home on the range.

Yet the zoo, a not-for-profit institution which relies heavily on charitable contributions, public patronage, and sales of $4.00 boxes of popcorn, to support its research, sought fit to cremate Dusti rather than do him the dishonor of returning him to “the circle of life” (quoting a bit of Disney dime-store philosophy), thereby reducing his existence to nothing more than fertilizer for next summer’s butterfly garden.

Shame on you, Brookfield Zoo! Since when did zoo animals become pets? And why is it suddenly more about the feelings of the milk-toast, overly sentimental zoo staff than the enrichment of the zoo’s paying customers? Last I checked, the zoo was a place where local folk could come to experience glimpses of life in other parts of the world – to learn about exotic creatures and distant habitats – without ever leaving the quaint confines of Cook County. Take away the patrons, and what is a zoo but Riker’s Island for animals?

Yet here we are, crying alongside the poor zoo workers whose pet giraffe just died. Never mind that Dusti could have fed all of the zoo’s meat eaters for at least one day, thereby ensuring he didn’t die stupidly and without purpose.

Somebody needs to consider the welfare of the animals. You think the animals – especially the big predators – want to lie around all day in a tiny enclosure waiting for someone to toss them a chunk of horse meat? Hell no! They want to roam, hunt, mate – all those things animals do when their kids aren’t watching.

I offer proof of this claim by way of an anecdote from my own experience. Before we had kids, my wife and I lived in Brookfield. Owing to convenience, we used to visit the zoo regularly. One fall day we were standing at the viewing window outside the lion enclosure watching a male lion sleeping against the glass. Just then, a slight, three or four year old girl walked up with her mother and pushed her way to the front. Realizing a one inch tempered pane was all that separated her from the king of beasts, she retreated to her mother’s leg.

“Does he bite, Mommy?” she asked.

A zoo veteran, wise in the ways of all deadly creatures, I interjected, in my most avuncular, condescending, know-it-all manner, that the animal had been in captivity so long, it was probably tame as a house cat.

No sooner had the words left my pursed lips when a Canada Goose perched high on the enclosure’s rocky back wall, made an ill-conceived decision to glide down from its safe roost into the center of the enclosure where lay a chunk of soft pretzel tossed by a misinformed onlooker who believed he was at the seagull exhibit.

Before the foundering foul’s second foot lit upon the ground, the comatose lion had sprung to life, closed the twenty or so feet between the window and the center of the enclosure in a single bound, and swiped the landing bird from the air, and dragged its now limp form into his cave.

As the folks on the open side of the enclosure cheered the gander’s demise with rousing applause, I looked down at the terrified little girl and said, “Don’t believe everything grownups tell you.”

Though shocking, I was intrigued by the spectacle.

It seems we’ve become a society of special- interest-touting activists. Animal rights. Children’s rights. Convicted criminal’s rights. Vegetable’s rights. You can hardly do anything nowadays without offending someone, somewhere.

That being said, would it be so bad to add a little circus to the zoo? For example, what would be the harm in turning a few tigers loose in the Okapi enclosure, or a boa in the rodent house, or a perhaps a snow leopard in the Children’s Zoo?

Given the popularity of television programs like Wild Discovery, where on any given night you can see a cheetah take down and devour an Ibex in all its gore, I have to believe people would flock to see the same sort of thing live, up-close, and in person.

The US has already been accused of following in the footsteps of the Roman Empire. Why not embrace our destiny and have a little fun in the process? Not only would we be providing an enriching, affirming experience for the animals, but think of all the $4.00 boxes of popcorn they’d sell!

Animals will be animals. It’s not their fault (or ours) they taste good.


© 2008 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

Packaging Industry Alive and Well

Thankfully, another Christmas has passed. All that remains to remind us of the gluttony of giving that befalls our household each year is the stack of forgotten, yet unopened toys in the corner of the living room, many of which will be re-gifted – some to our own children – in the months and weeks to come. That and my bloody knuckles, of course.

When I was a child, toys came in a box. The box was typically made of cardboard which, except in rare instances, had a photograph of its contents plastered on the lid.

This was a convenient and effective packaging system. In the first place, our parents had it made in that boxes of the day were usually square or rectangular, which made wrapping them a breeze, even for a blind person missing two fingers on each hand.

To frantic children overcome by the spirit of receiving, it was also ideal in that once the thin veneer of gaudy paper was stripped from the box, we were able to tell exactly what was inside merely by looking at the photo pasted on the lid. It was rare, for example, to open a box with a photo of GI Joe on the lid only to discover Prom Queen Barbie lurking inside. What’s more, a quick shake and the lid would slide off, providing full and almost immediate access to the contents.

Today’s product manufacturers have decided that mere photographs aren’t good enough. No – people just won’t buy a product unless they can see the actual product encased inside a clear, hermetically sealed plastic vessel impenetrable even by Navy Seals demolition experts.

And I’m not talking just about toys. The same packaging philosophy appears to apply to electronics (lest we attempt to test them to see if they work), light bulbs (lest we mistakenly buy the wrong color), baseballs, paper clips, shoes, apples, puppies, etc. Want to protect something from damage, theft, or occasional use? Have it packaged by a modern-day product manufacturer. Idea: send the Hope Diamond to Mattel. No one will ever be able to steal it.

As a result, like most parents, I spent Christmas morning surrounded by hopping, squirming, whining kids, each desperate to actually touch the glimmering items smiling at them from inside their plastic prisons. So, after hacking four Hannah Montanas free of their acrylic sarcophagi with a utility knife, tin snips, and a blowtorch, and shredding my knuckles on the razor sharp edges in the process, the children were finally able to play with their toys, right?

Wrong!

In their infinite marketing wisdom, toy manufacturers have decided that not only must we see the toy, but it must be arranged in “play” mode so children – who are known to have little in the way of imaginations – can visualize how they might use it. “Look! We can pretend that he can fly.”

In order to create a more compelling illusion of “action,” each toy is then contorted and/or arranged into an exciting action pose or clever diorama via the use of thousands of tiny wires, strings, and nearly invisible rubber bands, the workable ends of which are sandwiched between layers of cardboard sealed at the edges with unbreakable clear plastic tape, thereby rendering the toy inaccessible to any child not skilled in the use of a hacksaw. And that’s just the feature item.

When we were kids, the small accessory parts (aka “choking hazards”) were contained in a plastic baggie tucked safely into a corner of the cardboard box. Not so anymore. In order to protect our children from certain death by insuring that these items can never be played with, each miniature thingamajig is sealed in plastic and glued (using the same adhesive NASA uses to attach heat resistant tiles to the space shuttle) onto a colorful cardboard backdrop depicting some clever use for the toy. “Look, Dolly can play with her rubber ducky in the bathtub!” or “Oh, I see – she wears the shoes on her feet!”

In that it is impossible to extract these smaller items without destroying them, we usually send them out to the recycling bin with the rest of the seven metric tons of plastic and cardboard that holidays of this magnitude generate.

Of course it’s all worth the hassle to be able to sit back and watch the little ones enjoy playing with the big cardboard box from my new television.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try and get this blood stain out of Cinderella’s dress.


© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

2007 Family Christmas Letter

As Andy Williams reminds us, it is once again “…the most wonderful time of the year.” Of course, Andy is referring to football season. It is also that magical time of year when the thoughts and hopes of all young children turn to toys, presents, and that long awaited visit by a jolly old elf in a soot-tarnished red suit – except in the Layne household, that is, where ghouls, witches, vampires, and mummies cast an orange-and-black shadow over this otherwise festive, red-and-green season.

It would seem around here that the penultimate annual commemoration of our savior’s birth has taken a back seat to the ancient druid celebration of the harvest. Amanda and Ally begin discussing their Halloween costumes on November 1st, changing their minds 364 times up until the afternoon of October 31st, at which point they give up and go as whatever they were the previous year. This year, Ally was pink Jasmine (as opposed to last year’s green version), and Amanda went as Myanmar. Barely ten minutes after trick-or-treating ended, plans were set into motion for the following year. As of this writing, Ally wants to be purple Jasmine, and Amanda, petulance.

Amanda is a tall-and-spindly, creative, high maintenance creature who is drawn to the arts and depends upon her parents to keep her alive by reminding her to eat, sleep, and breathe. Ally, on the other hand, is a tough, self-sustaining sort who takes guff from no one and can forage for a full day’s nutrition right in her own nose. Having given up all attempts to tame Ally’s fearsome temper, K & M have instead elected to put her pugilistic tendencies to constructive use by enrolling her in the kick-boxing program at the local YMCA. Known as “Ally-Kazam” and her sidekick “Blankie,” she strikes fear into the hearts of the other Medinah Park District preschoolers.

This past spring, the Layne troupe made their first pilgrimage to Orlando to visit Disney’s Wonderful World of Licensed Merchandise. Karen was ecstatic, having been inculcated into the Disney cult as a child. Amanda and Ally were excited about seeing their friends, Courtney and Stephanie, who came down from New Jersey following Bon Jovi on the southern leg of their 2007 tour. Mark was the only one not necessarily looking forward to the trip, owing to his pronounced distaste for crowds, hot weather, children, and fun of any sort. Thanks in large part to the hospitality of the Elliots – cousins Brad and Sheryl in particular – he managed to have a delightful time, except for the four days he spent in bed with 104 degree fever.

As everyone knows, Disney is all about getting kids to watch television. As such, Ally nearly fainted from the thrill of meeting her idols Jasmine and Aladdin. Amanda spent the week searching each theme park for Zack, Cody, Hannah, and the brothers Jonas, who Karen and Mark assume must be characters in some new Disney western. In the end, all the expense and hassle of travel was worth it in that to this day, whenever the subject of Disney World is mentioned, Amanda and Ally’s eyes light up and their rosy cheeks crease with smiles as they recall the glorious times they had at the hotel pool.

During summer, Illinois got a taste of life in a hurricane prone state when the most severe thunderstorms in history swept through the Chicago area, uprooting trees, flooding basements, and knocking out power to over half a million people, causing local ratings of Deal or No Deal to plummet. Karen and Mark discovered that living for three days without electricity and water is a lot like camping in a really expensive tent. It was a terrific learning experience for the kids, however, who got a taste of what life was like for the early pioneers by cooking over an open fire, reading by lamplight, making potty in a bucket and tossing it out the window, trapping beavers, etc.

For Thanksgiving, the gang made the trek down to drought-plagued Atlanta to visit Leslie, Anthony, and Jayson, and to celebrate Amanda’s eighth birthday. As it turns out, showering without water isn’t half as bad as it sounds. The kids had a blast rolling around on the bottom of the empty hotel pool and playing at the local Jump Zone (until Ally bloodied the nose of an eleven-year-old boy because she didn’t like how he was looking at her sister).

Sadly, the days of the annual X-mas letter may be numbered. As it happens, kids don’t enjoy their parents making fun of them. Who knew? K&M aren’t too worried about Amanda who has a relatively evolved sense of humor – even though after reading last year’s installation she demanded stuffed animals as compensation for being libeled and abused for the past seven years. It’s Allyson who will have her parents watching their backs.

In closing, never has the underlying melancholy of the Christmas season been captured more aptly than in “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” one of many idiomatic masterpieces by author Charles M. Schultz, who also once said, “I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.”

Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,

Karen, Mark, Amanda, and Ally

Old Foes Worry Washington

WASHINGTON DC – News of Cuban President Fidel Castro’s return to health spawned renewed concerns at the White House over the potential threat to US security at the hands of the devoutly anti-American communist republic located a stone’s throw from the Florida Keys.

“We all figured he was a goner,” said Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “His return to office can only be viewed as an imminent threat to our national security.”

During his Monday morning press conference, The President concurred. “The man is a terrorist,” stated Bush. “And like all terrorists, he will be dealt with in a terrorist-like fashion.”

Amid these new concerns over the potential spread of communism to America’s doorstep, the President ordered US Naval vessels to establish a defensive perimeter in international waters between the US and Cuba.

This military deployment is in response to what sources inside the CIA cite as reliable intelligence that the 80 year old military dictator intends to allow Russia to locate land-based ballistic missiles on the island nation.

“We have concrete evidence showing the initial stages of construction of a ballistic missile base near San Cristobal in the Pinar del Rios Province of Cuba’s western coast,” President Bush stated in his weekly radio address. “Bald-faced aggression of this nature will not be tolerated a mere 90 miles from America’s most popular gay and lesbian vacation spot.”

House Democrats, who claimed the intelligence reports upon which the President and CIA had relied consisted of reconnaissance photos taken by U2 spy planes during the 1962 Cuban missile crisis, quickly withdrew their objections when poorly doctored photographs of these same representatives in compromising situations with Valerie Plame’s Chihuahua, Max, began appearing on the internet.

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the Democrat’s claims as politically motivated rubbish. “This is obviously the partisan, anti-American rhetoric of a group of fascist pinko sympathizers and likely terrorists,” said Cheney during an interview on Face the Nation. Adding, “If they dare question the policies of this administration again, I’ll shoot their faces off.”

According to a report by Walter Cronkite which aired Wednesday evening on the History Channel, nineteen cargo ships believed to be carrying Russian missile components and other Soviet military cargo were on route to Cuba with orders to ignore any US attempt to intercept them.

President Bush immediately drafted a letter to Nikita Khrushchev demanding the ships reverse course and that all offensive weapons be removed from Cuba immediately. In the event diplomatic measures fail, the President is said to be prepared to authorize a naval blockade of the tiny Caribbean nation.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow denies this new military deployment has any connection to a weekend-long classic film festival held at the President’s Texas ranch during which the President viewed the 1974 film, The Missiles of October, along with several other war, western, and sci-fi classics.

Just the same, Bush vowed to keep a close watch on a reported Indian uprising near Wounded Knee, SD, as well as to have the FBI look into rumors of a planned Japanese attack on the US naval base at Pearl Harbor. As for claims of a Martian invasion of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, the President said during his weekly taped radio address, “The Martians want New Jersey, they can have New Jersey.”

Hussein Genius Applauded

WASHINGTON DC – A ruthless dictator in life, Saddam Hussein is now being regarded as a political genius in death by the very forces who sponsored his downfall.

In a surprise about face, the Bush administration now admits removing Saddam Hussein from his role as dictator of Iraq may not have been in the world’s best interest.

“Perhaps we’ve been going about this all wrong,” Bush remarked during a White House press conference. “Rather than removing dictators from the Middle East, maybe we should be supporting the rise of new ones.”

It is no news to anyone that the situation in Iraq has deteriorated since the arrival of US troops. Prior to Hussein’s ouster, Iraq was a stable, secondary world power functioning efficiently in the global theater. Now, however, Iraq is locked in a chaotic state of rampant civil war with the US caught in the middle.

Coming in the wake of the President’s statement, House and Senate leaders agreed that removing Hussein from his leadership role in Iraq was a mistake. Though commentary on the floor ran to both ends of the spectrum, in the end, all agreed that Hussein was the only person in history able to maintain control over a disparate population of zealous, gun-toting, religious nut-jobs, and should be replaced with a like-minded individual.

While some world leaders consider the idea of reinstating a Hussein clone in Iraq as a foolhardy gesture that will only serve to plunge the nation into another generation of repression and tyranny, many others disagree.

“As it turns out, the man was a genius,” stated an official White House aide. “He may have been a brutal, murderous dictator, but apparently, that’s exactly what those folks over there need.”

Dan Weimaraner, State Department spokesperson, believes that the fighting and unrest is merely a cry for help. “Fear is the only thing some people respond to,” said Weimaraner. “It’s the same reason nuns carry yardsticks.”

While most experts agree that Saddam’s success as a leader was attributable to his clever if not ruthless application of fear, it was his willingness to experiment with non-traditional types of intimidation and terror which seemed to yield the greatest results.

According to General William Bombgard of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the US military has been ineffective in Iraq largely because the typical Iraqi insurgent doesn’t fear death.

“What he does fear, however, is being fed to a tiger, or having his testicles cut off and shoved down his throat in front of his kids,” stated Bombgard. “Unfortunately, the Geneva Convention currently prevents us from taking such measures.”

Sociologist Marvin Gardner of New York University agrees. “Just like all children crave boundaries, Iraqis crave terror. It’s the only thing they respond to.”

In a recent broadcast on Al Jazeera, Shiite cleric Kilal Ben Dik Hed Abu Azhol said, “Saddam Hussein was the devil and deserved to die, as do the infidels who removed him from power.” Azhol also called for the deaths of all Christians, Sunnis, non-Arabic Muslims, and people who eat broccoli.

Some speculate the United States’ lack of military success in Iraq coupled with growing anti-war sentiment at home have swayed the President’s thinking, causing him to reconsider his policies for the Middle East in general.

When questioned about the decision by Congress to reinstate a Hussein-like dictator to the Iraqi throne, the President said, “Sometimes you need a bigger whooping stick, which is what we had with Saddam.”

A senior White House official who preferred to remain unnamed told reporters that even prior to his execution, measures had been put in place to commute the sentence the kangaroo Iraqi court placed upon Hussein in the hope of returning him to his seat of power.

Bush considered Hussein's death a setback, but noted there are hundreds if not thousands of "Saddam Husseins" out there just aching for the opportunity to continue with the former dictator's good work, and believed it was only a matter of time before CIA field operatives would find another despot to take Hussein's place.

Said Bush, “People have criticized me for having no exit strategy from Iraq – well, put this in your Hookah and smoke it.”

© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

Mascot Mayhem

South Bend – In the wake of the ouster of legendary University of Illinois symbol, Chief Illiniwek, University of Notre Dame officials are this week considering the fate of their own mascot and spokes model, as well as the future of the Fighting Irish moniker.

The move on the part of the Notre Dame board of directors to reevaluate their widely recognized trademark is preemptive in nature and likely fueled by the NCAA’s recent crusade against “hostile or abusive mascots or images.”

“We have had complaints,” said Maggie Donnelly, Office of Community Relations for the University. The complaints Donnelly refers to originate primarily from the Irish Image Reform Association, an activist group who claims the mascot and moniker are insulting to persons of Irish descent.

“It gives people the impression that all we Irish do is drink and fight,” stated Association President, Golden Gloves boxer, and part-time bartender, Patrick Monahan. “We’re concerned that outsiders may get the wrong idea of the Irish culture.”

According to University of Notre Dame president, Rev. John I. Jinkers, it is the University’s intention to head off any potential action by the NCAA which could compromise their teams’ eligibility for post season play. “It’s a sign of the times in which we live that we must strive to eliminate all racial and/or potentially controversial elements from our day-to-day lives.”

The University of Notre Dame is said to have adopted the Fighting Irish appellation by happenstance over some vicious taunting by Northwestern University nuclear physics students during an 1899 football contest.

“At the time, calling someone ‘Irish’ was akin to uttering some of todays more offensive and degrading racial epithets,” said Sean Mangus, Professor of US History at the University of Pennsylvania. “Back then, the Irish were considered dirty, untrustworthy people you wouldn’t want your kids to hang around with.”

Regardless of the dubious origins of its public identity, Notre Dame – namesake of the famed Gothic cathedral in Paris, France – rapidly became an icon among the Irish and pseudo-Irish community, even though the institution has no formal connection to Ireland whatsoever. The University nevertheless embraced its albeit tenuous association with The Green Isle – as well as the generous financial support of the thriving Chicago area Irish Catholic community – by adopting the leprechaun as its official school mascot.

A mythical figure from Irish folklore, the leprechaun is a small male faerie known for his feisty, ill-tempered, and mischievous nature. Said to be possessed of magical powers, leprechauns can supposedly guarantee wealth and protection to any who might capture one (except acting ND head football coaches).

The irascible, elf-like creature first appeared in a cut-away green suit, Irish country hat, and shillelagh at the start of the 1965 football season. He has since become a fixture at all home varsity sporting events. Prior to the leprechaun, the University’s official mascot was an Irish terrier named Clashmore Mike, and prior to that, an artichoke.

Surprisingly, though a seemingly benign if not embarrassing symbol, the familiar leprechaun does not enjoy the support of all Notre Dame fans and faculty.

Notre Dame alumna, Eileen Shanahan, is disgusted by what she considers an abuse of elfin iconography. “I mean – leprechauns are people too, aren’t they? So is it fair to stereotype them all as odd, nasty little men always begging for a fight?”

NCAA president Myles Bland believes it is the NCAA’s obligation to consider complaints from outside interests seriously. “It is the policy of this organization to present a wholesome image of intercollegiate athletics. As such, we cannot allow institutions of higher education to perpetrate insensitive references to racial minorities, religious groups, forces of nature, ancient extinct civilizations, mythical war-like figures, or animals with unattractive or aggressive qualities.”

Civil rights organizations applaud this increased level of sensitivity with respect to minorities and special interest groups, initiatives the NCAA maintains are rooted in their mission to be more responsive to public concerns.

Inside media sources conversely believe the NCAA’s recent push to make intercollegiate athletics as non-controversial as possible has far more to do with their concerns over the potential loss of billions in annual television revenues in this post-Janet-Jackson era.

Some new University of Notre Dame slogans and mascots currently under consideration include the Golden Domers (Mascot Idea: a bald Jesuit monk with a gold spray painted cranium), the Capitulating Frenchmen (Mascot Ideas: either a student in a foam French fry costume with his hands raised in surrender, or Napoleon Bonaparte with a cartoonishly large head), the Holy Rollers (Mascot Idea: a Rastafarian priest brandishing a giant spleef), and the Saintly Smoters (Mascot Idea: an angry, baseball-bat-wielding Jesus). The University previously rejected Pugnacious Pugilists, Bellicose Barflies, Cantankerous Catholics, and Haggis as inappropriate given the public message they are attempting to convey.

Under new NCAA policies, Notre Dame isn’t the only school considering a shift in identity. According to the NCAA, a fair number of colleges and universities will need to “rethink” their mascots, slogans, and catch phrases. For example, the Florida State Seminoles will soon be the FSU Kittys, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks (known by their fans simply as “Cocks”) will make the switch to the Peckers, the Arkansas State University Indians will become the Rednecks, and the Oregon State Beavers will transition to the OSU Naughty Female Body Parts. A plan to rename the Arizona State’s Sun Devils to the Ecstasy Addicts was recently rejected by ASU officials.

By the same token, there are a number of schools who won’t need to make changes. “The University of Hawaii Rainbows already fits the NCAA vision of proper symbolism,” says Bland. Others team names such as the Hoyas (Georgetown) and Hoosiers (Indiana) will remain in tact in that nobody knows what a Hoya or a Hoosier is. (The State of Indiana, however, will be forced to change its name to Nativeamericana.)

The NCAA likewise ruled Purdue's Boilermakers – named for a cocktail popular with steel workers in the 1930’s – is not in itself offensive, but that mascot Purdue Pete could be construed as making fun of hydrocephalic individuals, hence the University’s decision to replace Pete with a giant shot glass in time for the start of the 2008 football season.

When asked about Michigan State University’s recent move to retire the moniker Spartans in favor of Serial Killers, Bethany Martin, Director of MSU Sports Relations, says the change makes perfect sense. “I can certainly see how direct descendants of ancient Sparta might find Sparty the Spartan offensive – what with his overly prominent chin and all – whereas nobody likes a serial killer, not even other serial killers.”

It is under this same pretext the NCAA forced the University of Illinois to retire the name, regalia, and image of Chief Illiniwek in March, 2007. In a tradition dating back to 1926, Chief Illiniwek – aka “The Chief” – portrayed by a student in traditional Oglala Sioux ceremonial dress – would perform a Native American “fancy dance” during the halftime of men’s home varsity football and basketball games.

Though most University of Illinois students, faculty, and alumni considered The Chief a proud tradition respectful of the State’s Native American heritage, certain Native American groups, namely the National Indian Education Association and the National Congress of American Indians, found the symbol to be “predominantly offensive and deeply disparaging to Native Americans.”

"Illiniwek," an Algonquin word meaning, “the complete human being – the strong, agile human body, and the indomitable human spirit,” is from whence the State of Illinois derives its name. Regardless, according to The Chief’s critics, it is high time this dramatic and dignified depiction of Native American culture was eliminated so as to “stomp out any remaining public memory of the Illiniwek people,” a consortium of Algonquin tribes who once thrived in the central Midwest.

Though reluctant to go on record with anything which could be construed as legally actionable, Ronald Rizza, University of Illinois professor of sociology, explained it is the belief of Native Americans that by further isolating themselves from mainstream American society, they might one day hope to overcome the misunderstanding and mistrust that plunged their people into decades of destitution, impoverishment, and substance abuse dating back to the arrival of the first white settlers from Europe.

Oneida Casino manager, Percy Stumbling Bull, agreed. “Bull” believes the University of Illinois’ decision is a crucial first step in his people’s goal to eradicate all traces of Native American culture from the prying eyes of white society. “Current generations of whites don’t realize their ancestors essentially stole North America from indigenous peoples. As such, it has been our ongoing policy to attempt to erase our historical legacy from the modern world, thereby honoring our ancestors by protecting their obscurity – at least until such time as gambling revenues allow us to buy back the Louisiana Purchase.”

Other measures under consideration by the NCAA include broadcasting all televised games in Spanish, making cheerleaders wear bloomers, forcing colleges to earmark a certain number of scholarships for illegal immigrants, changing Division I varsity football from tackle to touch, replacing half of all head coaches with members of the clergy, making personal fouls in men’s and women’s basketball a felony, requiring referees to wear flowered shirts, and having Alabama head football coach Nick Saban shot.

Editor’s Note: As an added measure of solidarity with the Native American community, The Illinois General Assembly is currently considering legislation to change the name of the State of Illinois to The State Just East of Missouri, and Chicago – a word derived from the Algonquin “chigagou” meaning “onion field” – to Detroit.



© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

2006 Layne Family Christmas Letter

As we sit huddled all toasty and warm before the crackling fire displayed on our giant, flat panel television, we find another holiday season upon us.

The passing year has been most generous in providing much to ponder, loathe, and fear. Though global warming threatens to plunge us headlong into another ice age, we at least have an avian flu pandemic to look forward to. Perhaps the greatest threat to our health, safety, and longevity, however, may well be living right under our own roofs. Much as bats are known to carry rabies and politicians VD, so are children bearers of every known malady harmful to man. Case in point, Amanda has had a cough since August (of 2004), and Ally’s nose runs with such consistency she is being considered by the US Department of Energy as a site for a hydroelectric plant.

From a very young age, children offer clues as to the future directions of their lives based on their interests, predilections, and predispositions. Imaginative, domineering, and quick to defend her strongly opinioned ideas, Amanda will someday make a terrific surgeon, lawyer, or dictator. Thankfully, Allyson has all but stopped relying on her fists to express herself, opting instead to use her head – as a bludgeon. A Butkus Award finalist, she now “head bunks” her way through conflicts, striking fear into all who cross her, and earning her the household nickname “Urlacher.” K & M are hopeful the NFL will allow female linebackers by the time she’s draft eligible.

In June we traveled to northern California to attend Karen’s cousin Judy’s wedding. California was hot, but it was a dry heat – not unlike a steel mill, kiln, or active volcano. We visited Karen’s cousin, John, who lives suspended on the side of a cliff so steep that one misstep, and next stop, Tijuana. We also stayed with Karen’s best friend from high school whose husband is Silicon Valley’s leading trucking magnate and food critic. The children got along well, mostly because they let Amanda boss them around.

While there, we drove through California’s wine country which looked a lot like rural Wisconsin, but with grapes for corn and snooty ex-actors for farmers. We also had occasion to gaze upon the oldest living things on earth – no, not Gerald Ford or Zsa Zsa Gabor, but the awe-inspiring redwoods and sequoias of Muir Woods – majestic, 300 foot tall monuments of nature, many of which predate Christ. As we were leaving, a team of conservationists from the Department of Interior arrived with chainsaws. It seems the White House needed firewood.

Mark’s cousins from Maryland drove out for a visit, but after spending three days stuck in traffic on I-80/94, gave up and returned home. Mark otherwise spent so much time in swimming pools he began to grow a dorsal fin, placing him in grave danger of being caught, canned, and sold under the label “Squab of the Sea” (a wholly owned subsidiary of “Chicken of the Swamp”).

In September, Amanda began first grade and Ally preschool. As one might expect, it was not without a torrent of tears, angst, and trepidation. We’re all confident Karen will eventually adjust. The jury was out until the last minute as to whether Ally would attend school at all owing to her intense dislike of other humans, especially male humans (except, of course, for Shaggy, Freddie, and sometimes, Daddy). She finally agreed to go as long as she didn’t have to talk to anyone or share her snacks.

Amanda now wakes each morning, surveys her closet full of clothes, laments over which brown top and brown skirt to wear (hopefully UPS will be hiring when she turns eighteen), and then spends the rest of the time before her bus arrives whining that nothing fits. Ally isn’t nearly as difficult when it comes to clothes in that she prefers to not wear any, making getting her dressed like stuffing an angry porcupine into a gym sock. Owing to their eardrum bruising protests, Karen has given up trying to brush either girl’s hair. Good thing dreadlocks are all the rage with kids these days.

Mark hangs out with his two new best friends, Harley and Davidson, pursuing his lifelong dream of transmogrification, relieved property values have begun to recover now that the PGA has left town and Tiger Woods has moved out of the neighborhood. Karen prays for the ability to tune out the girls’ bickering if only long enough to hear herself cry.

If it is indeed true that much of life’s more poignant wisdom can be found on bumper stickers, then as we stumble forward into a new year, confronted by increasingly difficult decisions, we might do well to ask ourselves one important question: “What would Scooby Doo?”

Merry Christmas to all, and to all good grief.

Karen, Mark, Amanda, & Ally

Hussein Dubbed Genius

WASHINGTON DC – A ruthless dictator in life, Saddam Hussein is now being regarded as a political genius in death by the very forces that sponsored his downfall.

In a surprise about face, the Bush administration now admits removing Saddam Hussein from his role as dictator of Iraq may not have been in the world’s best interest.

“Perhaps we’ve been going about this all wrong,” Bush remarked during a White House press conference. “Rather than removing dictators from the Middle East, maybe we should be supporting the rise of new ones.”

It is no news to anyone that the situation in Iraq has deteriorated since the arrival of US troops. Prior to Hussein’s ouster, Iraq was a stable, secondary world power functioning efficiently in the global theater. Now, however, Iraq is locked in a chaotic state of rampant civil war with the US caught in the middle.

Coming in the wake of the President’s statement, House and Senate leaders agreed that removing Hussein from his leadership role in Iraq was a mistake. Though commentary on the floor ran to both ends of the spectrum, in the end, all agreed that Hussein was the only person in history able to maintain control over a disparate population of zealous, gun-toting, religious nut-jobs, and should be replaced with a like-minded individual.

While some world leaders consider the idea of reinstating a Hussein clone in Iraq as a foolhardy gesture that will only serve to plunge the nation into another generation of repression and tyranny, many others disagree.

“As it turns out, the man was a genius,” stated an official White House aide. “He may have been a brutal, murderous dictator, but apparently, that’s exactly what those folks over there need.”

Dan Weimaraner, State Department spokesperson, believes that the fighting and unrest is merely a cry for help. “Fear is the only thing some people respond to,” said Weimaraner. “It’s the same reason nuns carry yardsticks.”

While most experts agree that Saddam’s success as a leader was attributable to his clever if not ruthless application of fear, it was his willingness to experiment with non-traditional types of intimidation and terror which seemed to yield the greatest results.

According to General William Bombgard of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the US military has been ineffective in Iraq largely because the typical Iraqi insurgent doesn’t fear death.

“What he does fear, however, is being fed to a tiger, or having his testicles cut off and shoved down his throat in front of his kids,” stated Bombgard. “Unfortunately, the Geneva Convention currently prevents us from taking such measures.”

Sociologist Marvin Gardner of New York University agrees. “Just like all children crave boundaries, Iraqis crave terror. It’s the only thing they respond to.”

In a recent broadcast on Al Jazeera, Shiite cleric Kilal Ben Dik Hed Abu Azhol said, “Saddam Hussein was the devil and deserved to die, as do the infidels who removed him from power.” Azhol also called for the deaths of all Christians, Sunnis, non-Arabic Muslims, and people who eat broccoli.

Some speculate the United States’ lack of military success in Iraq coupled with growing anti-war sentiment at home have swayed the President’s thinking, causing him to reconsider his policies for the Middle East in general.

When questioned about the decision by Congress to reinstate a Hussein-like dictator to the Iraqi throne, the President said, “Sometimes you need a bigger whooping stick, which is what we had with Saddam.”

A senior White House official who preferred to remain unnamed told reporters that even prior to his execution, measures had been put in place to commute the sentence the kangaroo Iraqi court placed upon Hussein in the hope of returning him to his seat of power.

Bush considered Hussein's death a setback, but noted there are hundreds if not thousands of "Saddam Husseins" out there just aching for the opportunity to continue with the former dictator's good work, and believed it was only a matter of time before CIA field operatives would find another despot to take Hussein's place.

Said Bush, “People have criticized me for having no exit strategy from Iraq – well, put this in your Hookah and smoke it.”



© 2006 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

Daylight Savings Time (and Other Lies)

It is time once again to participate in that semiannual fraud in which we, the citizens of the United States, run through our homes changing clocks, struggling to remember which buttons to push to reset our digital watches, all so we can delude ourselves into believing that by simply advancing the hands of time by one hour, we will all lead happier, more productive lives.

The annoyance factor aside, I am frankly insulted that our leaders in Washington believe we are this stupid. While I’m certain some folks, particularly those in our southern states, may well consider Daylight Savings Time the greatest thing since food stamps, convinced it provides them an extra hour each day to brew moonshine, pickle pig parts, or figure out how to reinstate slavery, I must demur.

Even those of us who bought into that business about weapons of mass destruction, or the stories of a weather balloon crashing in Roswell, New Mexico, or that nonsense about man landing on the moon, are hard pressed to swallow the idea that merely advancing our clocks by an hour somehow earns us an extra sixty minutes to work, play, or make prank phone calls to the Department of Homeland Security.

In search of that elusive 25th hour, NASA scientists, applying a sophisticated mathematical algorithm, were able to prove that during the period of Daylight Savings, there are still 24 hours in a day. They also determined that, regardless of how many hours you advance your clock, the average per diem amount of sunlight remained relatively constant during any given month of any given year.

The idea that fiddling with the time runs contrary to the laws of nature is perhaps best witnessed in the behavior of my children. Both are under seven, unable to tell time, and except for those parts altered by consumption of genetically modified foodstuffs, more-or-less creatures of nature. Neither, however, are roused into daily consciousness by the ticking of a clock, but instead by that primordial force existing within each child that says it’s time to get out of bed and begin messing up the house.

If I had to guess, I’d say the sun has far more to do with society’s productivity than the time of day. Going back to my kids, I have observed that when the sun comes up, they begin making noise. Conversely, when the sun sets, they begin rubbing their eyes, yawning, and tripping over toys. On dark, cloudy days, they are inclined to sleep late. On bright sunny days, they wake with the birds.

And what of the birds?

The digital alarm clock on my nightstand faces a window. Never, however, have I observed even a single bird perched on my windowsill attempting to peer through the glass so as to know what time to commence its birdly activities. Nor do the other various and sundry creatures which roam our neighborhood appear sensitive to the hour. I expect this would hold true even if we set our clocks ahead by ten hours, forcing sunrise to occur at three in the afternoon.

But if DST is considered absurd by the scientific community, and likewise contrary to natural law, why do we continue to observe it?

The illogical, unfounded origins of Daylight Savings Time can be traced to an ill-conceived political response to the growing pressure on the agricultural industry to provide food to America’s rapidly increasing, post World War II population. It was believed at the time that providing more sunlight at the end of the day during growing season would allow farmers the ability to find their way home from their favorite taverns before it got too dark, thereby preventing countless tractor related deaths. Nowadays, as the bulk of our agricultural production has been outsourced to China, doubling and/or tripling the average farmer’s T.S.I.T. (Time Spent in Tavern), this albeit once key concept appears to have outlived its usefulness.

For example, until recently the state of Indiana had refused to bow to federal pressure to join the rest of the country in observing Daylight Savings. As a result, Hoosiers (a French term meaning “Gesundheit”) kept their clocks permanently set at noon Eastern owing to the fact that “the cows need milkin’ when they need milkin’ and the corn don’t grow no faster.”

In a dark day for sanity, Indianans have now passed legislation to fall-in with the rest of the country in honoring DST. The motion carried by a narrow margin, barely defeating legislation proposed by Indiana’s large Amish community which would have abolished time altogether, making possession of any mechanical timepiece other than a sundial illegal, and declaring cow tipping as the official state sport.

And considering geopolitical ramifications, is it any wonder why the rest of the world hates us? What with our constant meddling in the time-space continuum, Europeans are sitting back right now, laughing at our arrogant disregard for the laws of the physical universe, mocking us for believing that by merely passing a proclamation, we can cause today to become one hour longer (or shorter) than the day before.

“Basil, have you any idea what the time is across the pond in New York?”

“Really, Reginald. What with their willy-nilly clock fiddling, it’s anybody’s guess.”

“Yes, I suppose it is. Pass the sheep intestines, will you?”

Truly, this biannual attempt at chronological alchemy is tantamount to reordering the periodic table of elements or rearranging the points on a compass. For instance, the stuff inside your Aquafina bottle will still have two hydrogen something-or-others to every oxygen thingamajig regardless of whether we arbitrarily alter its atomic number from H20 to H7G. Likewise, swapping the “W” for the “N” on your trusty compass will no more cause the needle to point in a direction other than north than it will prompt a Muslim to embrace Jesus.

Of course logic and common sense have never been a priority in this country. Just ask those first folks who climbed aboard boats the size of modern day sofas and, after washing ashore at Plymouth Rock and gazing around at a wild, untamed land lousy with dangerous creatures, harsh weather, and Indians, decided to invent the International Dateline.

© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

That Kid Coulda Been Somebody

Procreation is a cherished human tradition dating back to prehistoric times when cavemen, owing to the daily labor intensive struggle for human survival, came up with the idea of reproduction as a means of shifting their responsibility for hunting, gathering, and mowing the lawn to someone other than the cavewomen who were too busy shopping and scrap-booking to be of any assistance.

Even today most couples, and some singles, consider having kids a fashionable thing to do. While there are still those who raise kids solely for the meat, children have become such an important status symbol in your upper socioeconomic groups – coincidentally the same class of people who experience one of the highest levels of infertility among other population segments – that these folks will go to almost any length to obtain offspring, resorting to such cutting edge medical practices as “in-vitro fertilization,” “genetic mapping,” and “kidnapping.”

Granted, widespread infertility in the US is no doubt God’s way of preventing the planet from being overrun by spoiled, dysfunctional, heroin-addled video junkies cruising the streets in $100,000 German sports cars while talking on cell phones. Regardless, our nation’s well-to-do would-be parents seem undaunted, not only fueling a billion dollar fertility industry, but also accounting for over 90% of the gross national products of several Asian nations where “baby factories” housing millions of impregnated women crank out thousands of babies per week, all bound for export to US families.

The irony is, no matter how much money we spend or what level medical science we apply, in the end we parents have little control over how children turn out. All children learn, all children grow, and all parents are proud, as if they alone are responsible for the naturally pre-determined series of chemical reactions and cell divisions that result in the fully grown human beings most babies eventually become. But as every parent of more than one child quickly learns, each child is a unique being with character traits, personalities, and bizarre predilections that extend beyond what mere science and environmental influences can explain.

Not to downplay the role of heredity, but the byproducts of genetics would seem confined more to physical factors – elements such as hair and eye color, height and weight, the ability to walk and chew gum simultaneously, or the capacity to metabolize large quantities of vodka.

My oldest daughter, for example, most certainly tripped and fell into my genetic pool. Tall, willowy, brown-haired, and with all the grace of a blindfolded water buffalo, she is a victim of my DNA through-and-through. Her stalwart, blond-haired, blue-eyed sister, however – possessor of a bellicose nature and hair trigger temper that sends the other children in her preschool running for cover – tends to favor my wife’s Austrian-Italian bouillabaisse.

But here is where the similarity ends. The personalities of these two genetic replicas of my wife and myself are so dramatically different in terms of the extended family tree from which they dangle so as to make us wonder whether they are truly our own, or if they were perhaps switched at birth, mislabeled by the hospital nursery, or even transported into our midst from some other planet or dimension.

So, if not for genetics, how is it that children – and I’m talking about young children under the age of five who have not yet been acculturated (i.e. “brain washed”) into societal customs and norms – come into this world with certain “baggage” in the form of preponderances, predilections, fears, aptitudes, and allegiances to certain professional sports teams which don’t necessarily track with any person, living or dead, within their immediate circle of influence, nor jibe with the contemporary aspects of the times?

Demonic possession is but one explanation. For instance, I must imagine that when baby Ug pointed at a dinosaur towering over the door to his cave and grunted his first word, “Eek!” his kin gazed upon him with pride and satisfaction – everyone except Aunt Glurg who was up to her waistband in the dinosaur’s mouth, knee-highs flailing in the air. Had he, however, pointed to the sky at a circling pterodactyl and said, “Airplane,” his family would have no doubt locked the door to the cave with him outside, certain he was under the influence of evil spirits.

Children requiring exorcisms, while certainly growing in numbers, do not, however, represent a majority population, leaving only one other rational explanation for this observed phenomenon – reincarnation.

The cruel hand of fate notwithstanding, and no matter your religious beliefs or philosophical inclinations, the open-minded must at least entertain the possibility that what we might be witnessing in our children’s behavior is some sort of “bleed-through” from a previous existence in some other lifetime or dimension.

For instance, my oldest is the loud intellectual type. She has never lacked for an opinion concerning what everyone within range of her voice should be doing, saying, or thinking at any given moment, continually spouting commands and directing the destinies of those around her with indiscriminate precision from the time she was able to walk. Granted, just because she’s bossy doesn’t necessarily mean she was once Alexander the Great, Albert Einstein, or Mussolini. But exactly how does a three year old develop the leadership skills of a career army general?

Add that she left the womb with an odd interest in all things supernatural, mysterious and/or paranormal, exhibiting rapt fascination with the Harry Potter series from the tender age of four as if during our nightly readings I was quoting the Bible or True Crime magazine, and more experienced parents might be left scratching their heads. With no frame of reference against which to judge her, however, my wife and I thought her more or less normal… until the next child happened along.

Whereas daughter number one favors a cerebral approach to most situations, employing logic and reasoning to resolve her problems, her younger sister prefers a hammer. And just because we caught her when she was not quite two shoving Disney Princess figurines into the mouth of her Little Tykes volcano, doesn’t mean she was a former high priestess of some ancient tribe who dabbled in human sacrifice, just as her innate obsession with trains and railroads is no guarantee she was once George Mortimer Pullman. When you consider, however, her irrational fear of balls, the picture becomes less clear.

Most persons would agree that balls, in and of themselves, are relatively benign – certainly not diabolical or fearsome at any intrinsic level. Even so, from the time she was able to simultaneously sit upright and drool, our youngest has perceived lurking within most orb-like objects an incarnate evil that once sent her scooting backwards up the gymnasium wall during a park district mommy-and-me program.

Writing it off to the unexplained, some months later we visited my parents’ house. My mother has never failed to fall prey to every television info-mercial, direct mail scam, or telemarketing sales pitch that has crossed her field of view. As such, when those huge exercise balls – the sort one sits upon while watching TV in the hope of achieving some perceived sense of fitness – were all the rage, my mother naturally ordered one.

When we carried our youngest into the house and plopped her down on the family room floor, she immediately spotted the huge yellow ball resting playfully in the corner and began screaming, wide-eyed and terrified, employing any means within her ability to ambulate her self away from the danger.

Aside from the fact she learned to crawl that day, the event is etched in our minds as one of our more harrowing experiences as parents. Even now at two-and-a-half, she will still peer around every corner and doorway of my parents’ house in search of the evil yellow sphere. My mother keeps the feared object stowed thoughtfully in the basement from where, within minutes of our arrival, our oldest will retrieve it merely to experience the pure joy of causing her younger sibling untold anxiety and distress.

In an effort to help you better understand your kids, below are some examples of things to watch for that may well indicate your child has some connection to a previous life. (Note – does not apply to Chinese children who are naturally gifted and far smarter than non-Chinese children of the same age):

1. Fondly recalls the good old days before cars.
2. Her first word was in fluent Latin.
3. Points to picture of Methuselah, shouts “Look! Daddy!”
4. Asked Santa to bring him a velocipede for Christmas.
5. Can identify Atlantis on a map and point to the house she grew up in.
6. Refers to the refrigerator as an “ice box.”
7. Can construct a geometrically perfect replica of the Great Pyramid with Lego’s, including heretofore undiscovered interior chambers.
8. Can tell time, but only with a sundial.
9. Is able to print her name in Cyrillic.
10. Was able to play “Mozart’s Piano Concerto in A” before he could walk.
11. First crayon drawing was of a reasonably accurate human DNA strand.
12. Expresses remorse over how he and his friends treated Jesus that one day.
13. Shows unusual proficiency with a broadsword.
14. Has been terrified of the ocean ever since “that Titanic incident.”
15. Refuses to leave the house without his powdered wig.
16. Remembers Abraham Lincoln as having chronic halitosis.
17. Complains of having had to carry those heavy stone tablets all the way back down Mt. Sinai without any help.
18. Refuses to eat anything but bison.
19. Is an expert at celestial navigation.
20. Has a morbid fear of animals that have been extinct for millions of years.

So next time you gaze down in wonder at the sweet, smiling face of your child, thinking to yourself, “Wow – what a weirdo,” think again. He or she could have been, as Bill and Ted so aptly put, “A famous dead dude.”

2005 Christmas Letter

Season’s Greasings, One and All.

As we look forward to our holiday tradition of decorating the tree while listening to the Three Tenors struggle with English, it’s hard not to remember 2005 as the year we witnessed the most destructive forces in nature wreak devastation upon property and life, leaving untold despair and ruin in their wake. But such is the reality of living with small children.

Life at the Layne household is a lot like life on The Itchy and Scratchy Show. The fighting briefly ceases each morning as Amanda leaves for Kindergarten, then resumes in full force and pitch when she climbs off of the bus at 11:30. Thank God for school. Karen and Mark shudder at the prospect of each approaching weekend.

In August, for the first time since Ally was born, Karen and Mark took a short trip alone to San Antonio. To keep Mom and Dad from feeling homesick, Amanda phoned in a daily fighting report. Though no knockouts were recorded, Amanda was declared the winner with seven kicks, five punches, and one pinch, to Ally’s four scratches, three bites, and one hair pull. (The girls will no doubt enjoy the “OK Corral Home Dueling Kit” they’re getting for Christmas.) In an effort to prolong their time away, K & M rented a car and drove home – by way of Alaska.

Whoever dubbed them the “terrible twos” never met Allyson Rose Layne. Ally has added a whole new dimension to the ignominious essence of this infamous age. Not unlike an iceberg, sea anemone, or Madonna, the sparkling blue eyes, angelic face, and pixie-cut blond hair are mere camouflage – a smoke screen provided by nature to conceal the pure malevolence lurking beneath.

Ally absolutely adores Amanda – much in the way mountain lions adore sheep. K&M first caught wind of Ally’s true nature when, at the age of one-and-three-fifths, they discovered her dropping miniature Disney Princess figurines into the mouth of her Little Tykes volcano. Now it seems her love of human sacrifice is exceeded only by her taste for human flesh. Mark still has a scar from the day he turned around to find Ally clamped to his backside like a cartoon canine. K&M believe the reason Amanda is doing so well in school and wishes she could stay all day (and night), is because nobody there bites her.

Ironically, Amanda and Ally have a rather symbiotic relationship in this regard. Whereas Ally was obviously a New Guinean head hunter in a previous life – pre-programmed to stalk and eat her prey – Amanda was no doubt a fugitive. Not happy unless she’s being chased, Amanda occupies her free time running away and hiding from the small, fanged person that is her sister. (Note to Ally: follow the trail of crumbs.) The rest of her day is devoted to finding taller, more dangerous things to jump off of, adding to her stuffed animal collection (K & M recently sold their refrigerator to make room for more), or playing Quidditch with her friend Emily. Amanda hasn’t stopped moving since conception, and nighttime is no exception. Karen and Mark routinely find her wandering the house during the wee hours, talking in her sleep, and making potty in unusual places. They assume her restlessness stems from her belief that, as soon as she goes to sleep, all her friends come over with party hats, streamers, a clown, and a monkey.

When Ally isn’t busy feeding virgins to Krakatoa or taking a chunk out of someone’s behind, she’s engaging in her second favorite pastime – lunch. K & M have erected a shrine to whoever invented Spaghetti-O’s with Meatballs (slogan: “The neat-round-spaghetti-impregnated-with-pellets-of-meat-flavored-polyvinylchloride-you-can-eat-with-a-spoon.”) Both girls continue to grow despite that very little of what they eat actually makes it into their mouths. K & M are considering installing a grate under the kitchen table which would allow the several tons of food that falls there each day to be sluiced away to some third world country (i.e. Arkansas).

On a sad note, Barney the Dinosaur died earlier this year – another victim of global deforestation. Unfortunately, the Wiggles met a similar fate when their plane went down over the Pacific. K & M haven’t yet decided what tragedy awaits Thomas the Tank Engine, but it is sure to be horrible.

Karen continues to dream of putting an addition on the house, not only because she’s running out of horizontal surfaces to put stuff on, but in the hopes of creating a new hidden room where the kids can’t find her. Mark plods onward, adding to his blog when time permits (http://markjlaynesramblings.blogspot.com), while yet pursuing his lifelong dream of photosynthesis.

In keeping with the spirit of the season (and the flavor of this installation), Charles Dickens perhaps best summed up this year when he wrote, “In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt, as injustice.”

Merry Christmas to all, and to all good grief.

Karen, Mark, Amanda, & Ally

The Lonliest Nation on Earth

It has become painfully obvious that the United States is, without question, the loneliest nation on earth.

Stop to consider that the rest of the world despises us and wishes we would pack up and move to another planet in some other galaxy. Radical religious groups have vowed to snuff us out. Historians are comparing us to the Roman Empire prior to its demise.

So, why all the hatred? Sure we’ve been exporting a boatload of misguided foreign policy of late, our legal system has become something of a joke, and yes, we are responsible for reality TV, but are we truly that bad?

The answer is an unequivocal “yes.” I mean, you don’t earn a nickname like “The Great Satan” without trying. The bigger question, however, is what do we plan to do about it?

Sure, we could elect leaders with IQ’s higher than turnips who practice socially responsible politics. And yes, we could be more generous with our unprecedented national wealth in terms of combating worldwide hunger and poverty. Such a course of action, however, would require time, effort, and grass roots support of the voting public, which our current national attention deficit disorder and preoccupation with real estate speculation and advancements in SUV technology, make unlikely. As such, better to follow the tried-and-true path of focusing our collective attention on treating the symptoms rather than curing the illness.

The truth is, as the United States’ isolation from the rest of the world worsens, we will be facing an epidemic of loneliness (to go along with our present epidemics of depression, impotence, infertility, obesity, hair loss, high cholesterol, stained teeth, and penile insufficiency).

The warning signs are all around us. For example, Americans, as a people, are already so starved for contact with other human beings we cannot be out of touch with each other long enough to go the bathroom.

This became glaringly apparent to me the other day when I received an important call from a friend who had urgent news about the lint screen in his clothes dryer. As we were talking, I heard a loud splashing sound in the background.

“What are you doing,” I asked. My answer came with the rush and gurgle of a flushing toilet. At that moment, I realized I had just participated in something every man dreads – bathroom conversation with another male.

It’s an evolutionary fact that men do not like to be present when another male is eliminating. Unlike women who tend to “potty” in groups of no less than three (one to hold the toilet paper, one to lift the seat, one to guard the door, etc.), men historically eschew the company of other males during such times, routinely going to great lengths to avoid each other.

This predilection is nothing new. During prehistoric times, the single greatest contributing factor to the high mortality rate among early male hominids was the desire to get as far away from fellow cave dwellers as possible during times of intestinal urgency.

As a result, cavemen would routinely stray into a remote portion of the jungle with the latest edition of the Daily Grunt, never to be heard from again. Back at the cave, the cavewomen would be squatting together in a circle, prattling on about the pterodactyl they were planning to roast that evening or whose husband has the biggest club, while saber tooth tigers were devouring their mates.

Even today, most men find the privacy factor in public restrooms sorely lacking. Ask a man, and he will tell you that a sound-proofed cubicle with, floor-to-ceiling lead-lined walls and a bank vault door may still not be enough to ease his anxiety over toilet-time intrusions. In fact, I have a male friend who works in a brand new office building featuring “modern,” restrooms with no separation between stalls whatsoever. He tells me he often holds it until his ride home at night, at which point he stops at a gas station to “take care of business the way God intended.”

But I digress… The point is, although surrounded by over six billion people, we are a nation desperate for social interaction, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by the wireless telephone industry.

Witness the proliferation of cellular telephones at every level of society. Thanks to the wireless industry, none of us needs ever be out of contact with friends, loved ones, or bookies again, even if those persons are standing right next to us.

Consider our heroes in Hollywood. While channel surfing the other night, I happened upon one of those ubiquitous awards ceremonies – a rare occasion when actors, musicians, agents, publicists, and caterers congregate to celebrate their collective genius, exchange recipes, and prove that they can still look smashing even when weighed down by two-hundred-fifty thousand dollars worth of borrowed jewelry and designer fashions.

Every celebrity worth his or her weight in gold was talking on a cell phone – one no doubt equipped with the essential camera feature – throughout the entire broadcast. I assumed, as most viewers probably did, that they were perhaps conversing with family members, pet sitters, or parole officers watching at home on TV. But then you would see a particular celebrity waving across the room to his counterpart who also had a phone plastered to the side of his or her head. One can only imagine the conversations.

“How does my new phone look while I’m talking on it?”

“Here, let me send you a picture so you can see for yourself.”

Given the current pace, in ten years it is likely that direct human conversation will go the way of dinosaurs as people become more and more embarrassed to relate to each other in the stodgy, old fashioned, mano-a-mano way.

Fast-forward to the 2015 “Aren’t I Fantastic Awards” and two Hollywood starlets seated across from each other in the back of the same limo, conversing by wireless phone:

“Like, can you believe Pomegranate Paltrow talking to Terlingua Travolta face-to-face?”

“Do you think she knew how stupid she looked not using her cell phone?”

“And all those germs!”

“What about Evian Eastwood? His phone is so last week!”

“I know! It doesn’t even have a built-in MP3 player, electronic organizer, satellite television, or microwave oven!”

“Not to mention this handy taser feature.”

“Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh!”

Yes, times have changed. In today’s hands-free world, walking down a public sidewalk having an animated conversation with oneself – while annoying and ostentatious – is now relatively commonplace. Fifty years ago, however, such behavior would have rated a one way ticket to a mental hospital. The doctors of the time, upon discovering a wire leading from a patient’s ear to a small device clipped to his belt, would have no doubt concluded it to be some sort of battery pack supplying power to the brain, and immediately begun an alien autopsy.

Nevertheless, like Amazonian termites constructing a giant pillar of mud, the fearless employees of the wireless industry are literally tripping over each other (and in some cases themselves) in an effort to strap antennas to every stationary, immovable, and/or inanimate object on the face of the earth including Mount Rushmore, Donald Trump’s hair, and the US Supreme Court.

In fact, if the wireless companies have their way, our planet will soon be so bristling with antennae that when viewed from space, the Earth will look like a giant koosh ball. Of course, the benefit of being able to order a pizza from heretofore unheard of locations like parking garages, coal mines, and Iowa will no doubt far outweigh the negatives in terms of global ecology, aesthetics, and increased male pattern baldness.

But is this what we truly want… to be so connected to each other that we can be contacted anywhere, anytime including during moments of intimacy, on adventure vacations in the Antartic, or while watching Survivor Detroit?

I for one find this trend deeply troubling, emblematic of the degradation of the very fabric of society. I long for simpler times… those bygone days when you could drive up to your favorite fast food restaurant, order a high cholesterol lunch face-to-face from a smiling fiberglass clown, and drive away with the wrong food without the use of any modern technology whatsoever.
I guess times have changed, and social convention as well.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to phone my wife up in the kitchen and ask her bring the newspaper downstairs. Nature calls.


© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

Vatican Expresses Relief at Pope's Passing

VATICAN CITY – As the dust settles from the election of Pope Benedict XVI, the 264th successor to St. Peter, sources inside the Vatican expressed relief today over former Pope John Paul II’s passing.

A high ranking cardinal who wished to remain anonymous stated that Pope John Paul’s final years were in reality much different than the carefully managed public perception proffered by the Vatican.

“He was barely coherent,” the source claimed. “He would most of the time just sit in his rocking chair, drooling, looking for the television remote. I would ask him, ‘Hey. What’s a matta you? He would smile, babble a word or two about Madonna, hum a few bars of ‘Material Girl,’ then go back to staring.”

Certain high ranking members of the Catholic Church in the US concur that John Paul had outlived his usefulness.

“He was in his position much too long,” claimed Bishop Edmund Ford of the Auburn Hills Diocese in Michigan. “Rumor has it the last seven to ten years of his papacy, all he wanted to do was wander St. Peter’s Square and ogle attractive women.”

Although the Vatican won’t confirm or deny such rumors, experts in Rome believe the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals selection of 78 year old Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was indeed motivated by his age and the limited potential longevity of his office.

“It’s forced obsolescence,” said Heinrich Wienerplatz, chancellor of the Office of German-American Relations in New York. “It’s their way of ensuring turnover at the position, something we Germans will not stand for.”

Others claim the Vatican’s motivation wasn’t so much to make the papacy a revolving door, but to open more avenues of opportunity for dozens of cardinals who have devoted their lives to serving the Church.

“It’s payback,” said Luigi don Giovese of the Palermo Italy based Mutual Association of Families for Italian Ascendancy. “Most of these guys have given up everything to serve God. They just want a little somethin’ – you know – for the effort.”

Father Cody Wilson of the Surf’s Up Ministry in Hermosa Beach, CA, agrees.

“It’s a chance for these dudes to live in a really bitchin’ house and have people wait on them hand and foot. After a lifetime of celibacy and being forced to wear those funny hats, it’s the least they deserve.”

Though some expect Ratzinger to carry on the reforms begun by his close friend and predecessor, Pope John Paul II, others aren’t quite as confident. According to Randall Johnson, associate professor of theology at Criminy University of Religious Studies in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, Ratzinger is regarded by most theologians as a strict guardian of Roman Catholic tradition, and may well resurrect many of the church’s archaic practices.

“Ya, hey. Before year’s end, we fully expect to see more than a few heretics burned at the stake,” said Johnson.

Renaldo Manzanilla of the American Dominican University in Prague disagrees, doubting Ratzinger will re-visit such extreme measures.

“Seizure of property, public scourging, imprisonment – that’s one thing,” said Manzanilla. “Execution is something altogether different.”

Regardless, Ratzinger’s reputation as a hard line adherent to Catholic doctrine and social conservatism is a definite blow to those groups hoping for religious reform. Jonathan Holmes, spokesperson for Vatican watchdog group, Catholics for Sex, believes Ratzinger’s appointment sets his movement back fifteen years.

“It’s a shame,” Holmes said. “Toward the end, I believe John Paul was coming around to our way of thinking. I even heard they found a Penthouse magazine under his mattress.”

Though the Vatican disputes the former pontiff had any intention of easing the century-old restrictions on “recreational” sex among married Catholics, Holmes believes differently.

“Had he hung around a few more years, who knows? Catholics could have been having unprotected, non-reproductive sex in every conceivable position, with no fear of eternal damnation whatsoever.”

Holmes and many of his flock are now debating whether to renounce their Christian faith, and turn to a more open ideology.

“The Vatican’s decision leaves us very little choice,” Holmes stated, adding, “We’re not crazy about what they eat, but Hindus for example sure have a lot more fun in the sack.”

Other reform groups are relieved at the selection of a near octogenarian to head the church.

“If it had to be a hard-liner, at least he’s old,” commented Chianti Martini, religion reporter for the popular Italian underground paper, Daily Scungili. “It gives the more liberal Catholic sects some hope that, within their lifetimes, a younger voice might appear to ease the Church into the 17th Century.” Martini also claimed, later in the same article, that Pope John Paul II was likely an extraterrestrial.

Ratzinger’s election also opens the door for a new round of turf wars between Christian denominations in the US. Presbyterian minister Donald Drysdale is quick to point out that The Catholic Church isn’t exactly known for its progressive thinking.

“Let’s be honest. It only took them, what – three centuries to pardon Galileo?” Drysdale is of course referring to Galileo’s conviction for heresy in 1633 at the hand of Pope Gregory XIII – a crime for which the Vatican Council forgave Galileo in 1992, nine years after Pope John Paul II initiated an investigation into his condemnation, and 359 years after his wrongful imprisonment and subsequent death in prison.

Reaction in the Jewish community over Ratzinger’s appointment is understandably mixed, especially given Ratzinger’s former ties to Nazi Germany. Elohim Plotnik, director of the L’chiam Latke Center for Hebrew Reflection and Nosh in Chicago’s suburban Highland Park, believes that for the most part, Jews have left their dislike of Germans in the past.

“Not all Germans are genocidal fascists,” said Plotnik, “just like not all Jews have big noses.” Plotnik went on to add, “That being said, I must imagine Hitler is smiling.”

Whether viewed as a positive or negative, Pope John Paul II’s death was certainly a polarizing event worldwide.

Andy Miller of Chicago is just glad it’s over. “At least it means an end to all those friggin’ red and white flags,” said Miller, referring to the proliferation of Polish national flags that occurred throughout the Chicago area following John Paul’s death.

“With the largest Polish population outside Warsaw, it is only fitting people here would want to show respect for their countryman and spiritual leader by hanging the flag of our homeland out their car window, or making it into a babushka they could wear on their heads,” said Andrzej Budinski, owner of a butcher shop in Chicago’s Portage Park neighborhood.

Will the last person to leave Poland please turn out the lights.



© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

California to Legalize Murder

LOS ANGELES – In a landmark initiative, the California State Legislature unanimously declared that murder is now legal in California, as long as it is committed within the sanctity of the “immediate family” and by a “well-known celebrity.”

“This is a terrific example of our justice system at work,” commented public defender Robbie “Whipsaw” Cochran, outspoken cousin of O.J. Simpson’s defense counsel. “What the state is saying is what we’ve been saying all along: just because the police find a knife covered in a victim’s blood with a dude’s finger prints on the weapon and a video tape of that same dude stabbing the victim left next to his signed confession, it doesn’t necessarily mean the dude’s guilty.”

According to sources in state government, recent decisions in the lower courts prompted Tuesday’s controversial action. Douglas Shriver, spokesperson for the California Supreme Court, was relieved. “We are now able to eliminate dozens of “frivolous” celebrity murder trials from our already overburdened court system. The legislature must have finally realized there was no sense perpetuating the charade that celebrities are subject to same laws as the rest of the population, especially when there are so many more serious issues currently before the court such as gay marriage.”

A source inside the Governor’s office who wished to remain anonymous claimed, however, that the decision was based more on economic considerations owing to the state’s recent financial crisis. “This is California. Our entire economy is linked to the entertainment industry. Speaking from an economic standpoint, if our primary export product is entertainment, and celebrities are the raw material from which that product is forged, then, in spite of what reprehensible citizens they may be, locking them all up would be not only foolish, but economically disastrous given the state’s current budget situation.”

Assistant Lieutenant Governor, Günter Schwarzenegger, denied this legislation had anything to do Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s former ties to Hollywood. “That’s nonsense,” he claimed. “Arnold was never a very good actor anyway.”

Religious groups are understandably outraged. “This is a travesty,” complained Rev. Calvin Glover of the San Dimas Church of Future Day Martyrs. An advocate for the prevention of domestic violence, Reverend Glover has devoted his ministry to the prevention of such crimes subsequent to his 1991 conviction for spousal abuse. “This ruling will only serve to place innocent lives in jeopardy, including my own wife’s.”

I understand his concerns,” stated Esmeralda Clooney, inside counsel for the Screen Actor’s Guild, “but these aren’t people we’re talking about. They’re celebrities. As such, they must be held to a different standard of law.”

Defense lawyers for Michael Jackson were ecstatic about the law’s passage. “In a way, it’s too bad Michael didn’t just kill those kids,” remarked Michael’s lead counsel. “If he had, this trial would be over already.” When asked how he thought Michael will fare before a jury of his peers, Jackson’s attorney laughed. “Of course Michael has no peers – at least not on this planet. Regardless, I expect my client to get off – excuse me – be acquitted. I mean – compared to murder, whatever Michael allegedly did probably isn’t even against the law now.”

Some questions remain as to what qualifies one as a “well-known” celebrity under the revised statutes. Experts believe the courts will likely rule that a defendant would need to have acquired their celebrity status prior to committing a murder, not as a result of publicity relating to the commission of said act.

According to Donald Kennedy, chairman of the California Bar Association, “Under the new law, even though Robert Blake has been out of the limelight for decades, given his well established television presence in the 1970’s, he would have been perfectly within his right to shoot Ms. Bakely right there in the restaurant in front of dozens of eye witnesses without the least fear of prosecution.”

Scott Peterson, on the other hand, was a relative unknown prior to murdering his wife, Laci, and as a result stood no chance of acquittal. “Ironically, Scott would have been better off hiring Robert Blake to kill his wife,” quipped Kennedy. Most legal experts agree, however, that even if Peterson had not killed his wife, the state would have found some other excuse to put him to death, if for no other reason than to “rid the planet of a real schmuck.”

Although no one in California is quite sure what the long term repercussions of the revised law will be, Hollywood is bracing for a rash of new killings expected to follow in the wake of the recent legislation.

Film producer Martin Scorsese is already scrambling to revise casting on a new film he begins shooting next month which was scheduled to star Barbara Streisand. “We don’t expect her to survive the week,” lamented Scorsese. “It’s better to replace her now with someone less likely to get whacked, than take the chance Brolin snuffs her two weeks into filming.”

Renown Las Vegas odds maker Vinnie “The Pocket” Felice says Las Vegas is already accepting wagers on which celebrities will be the first to die.

Despite widely publicized rumors of her death during the late 1980’s, Felice says Joan Rivers is alive, well, “raking in the bucks” at casinos up and down the strip. Smart money, however, seems to be flowing toward one of Hollywood’s more contemporary honeys. “Even though she’s not technically anyone’s spouse, most folks are throwing down on Paris Hilton,” said Felice. “It seems most everyone hates her guts.”

Other names at the top of the odds maker’s list include Sean Penn, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Ben Affleck. “If this happened a few months ago, Affleck would have been a goner right away,” insists Felice. “Since he’s been hanging around with Jennifer Garner, though, it’s hard to say. I mean, I’ve watched that chick tear out a guy’s liver, cook it, and feed it to him for dinner before he knew it was missing. No way J-Lo messes up Ben with her around.”

The fates of other Hollywood couples aren’t as easy to predict. Political analysts attribute this uncertainty to whether the courts will interpret the new law as including common law marriages and/or ex-spouses. Under the extended scenario, Felice likes a Madonna-Sean Penn ticket. “I’d give Madonna the edge physically, but Penn has a real mean streak. It’d be a great fight.” Asked about another of his favorite match ups, Felice gives Bruce Willis the nod over Demi Moore, owing mostly to Willis’ roles in the Die Hard films. “He’s smart, creative, and ruthless,” insists Felice. “And to top it off, he has motive. I mean Ashton Kutcher? What the hell is that all about?”

Owing to unpredictable violent outbursts associated with frequent steroid use, another group in the high risk category are the wives of Major League Baseball players. Felice agreed. “Yeah. We’re expecting a lot of them to get whacked too.” Commissioner Bud Selig declined comment.

Sales of rat poison and handguns have tripled in the Los Angeles area since the new law passed. Even so, only time will tell how this all plays out, and whether other states will follow suit. Until then, it seems the law change is putting America’s famous on their best behavior. “I even saw Bill and Hillary holding hands yesterday,” claimed a Washington political insider. “Yep – everyone’s all smiles and politeness these days, cause they know when they get home, it could be whackin’ time,” agreed Felice.

Finally, the California State Parole Board tells us the Charles Manson case is being reviewed under the new statute. Experts agree Manson’s fate will likely hang on the court’s interpretation of the term “family.”




© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

Hurray for Hollywood!

It is once again that time of year when we set aside our petty concerns, take pause of our daily routines, and direct our attention to one of the more profound, far reaching questions facing mankind today: who designed Hillary Swank’s dress?

Of course I’m referring to the Oscars – Hollywood’s annual love affair with itself… the one night of the year when the rich, famous, and terminally dysfunctional can stand up and proclaim, “It’s all about me,” to the rousing affirmations of their colleagues and cohorts.

Like many great discoveries including penicillin, the polio vaccine, and “ultra suede,” the storied, socially significant history of the Oscars can be traced to a serendipitous event which occurred on the evening of February 27, 1929, at the Brown Derby restaurant in Hollywood.

On the night in question, notorious skinflint, Jack Benny, was dining on the house specialty, Veal Oscar. In an effort to avoid paying his bill, Benny planted a rubber palmetto bug under his last bite of meat, making such a commotion over its discovery that the restaurant’s maitre d’ was heard to comment, “He should win an award for that performance.” The maitre d’ then turned to his head waiter and reluctantly commanded, “Bring Mr. Benny another Oscar,” at which point Benny’s fellow diners rose to their feet and applauded, cell phones no doubt wedged between their shoulders and cheeks.

The rest, as they say, is history. And at a point in history where the world is short on heroes, who better to invest our hopes for the future than in those persons able to pretend, with utter credibility, that they possess the bravery, wisdom, fortitude, and charisma to overcome the many contrived obstacles precisely arranged in their paths, and then triumph over their carefully drawn tragic flaws in the end?

Consider former President Ronald Reagan: anomaly or prototype? Prior to our last national election, when asked who they thought would make a good President, 111 of the 100 people polled said they would vote for West Wing star Martin Sheen. Is it then so far fetched to consider hiring a troupe of semi-skilled actors to run our government? As long as we had some top notch writers scripting everything they say and do, would we really be any worse off than we are now?

I for one am relieved to see Hollywood finally dispense with the pretense that The Academy Awards has anything to do with films and filmmaking, focusing its attention instead on the people who bring the celluloid art form to life. Let’s be honest – without the actors and actresses, what would film be but a meaningful, carefully orchestrated series of interconnected pictures that tell a story? Even more importantly, without what some might consider the “insane” compensation film stars receive for laboring minutes on end between massages, sessions with personal trainers, and catered meals, one can only imagine the sad state of affairs this nation’s pharmaceutical, cosmetic surgery, and mental health industries might otherwise find themselves in.

There is a reason we as a nation harbor such fascination for movie stars. The truth is we need our celebrities… the “beautiful people” who, except in the case of Clint Howard, have been put on this earth to help the rest of us see just how unattractive and misshapen we really are, thereby giving us an ideal to strive toward, while simultaneously reinforcing life’s pecking order.

So party on, Hollywood! Truly there is no one more deserving of yourselves than you. And wouldn’t Hillary Swank be a terrific name for a country line dance?



© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Non Compos Mentis Productions, Ltd.