Hurray for Hollywood!

It is once again that time of year when we set aside our petty concerns, take pause of our daily routines, and direct our attention to one of the more profound, far reaching questions facing mankind today: who designed Hillary Swank’s dress?

Of course I’m referring to the Oscars – Hollywood’s annual love affair with itself… the one night of the year when the rich, famous, and terminally dysfunctional can stand up and proclaim, “It’s all about me,” to the rousing affirmations of their colleagues and cohorts.

Like many great discoveries including penicillin, the polio vaccine, and “ultra suede,” the storied, socially significant history of the Oscars can be traced to a serendipitous event which occurred on the evening of February 27, 1929, at the Brown Derby restaurant in Hollywood.

On the night in question, notorious skinflint, Jack Benny, was dining on the house specialty, Veal Oscar. In an effort to avoid paying his bill, Benny planted a rubber palmetto bug under his last bite of meat, making such a commotion over its discovery that the restaurant’s maitre d’ was heard to comment, “He should win an award for that performance.” The maitre d’ then turned to his head waiter and reluctantly commanded, “Bring Mr. Benny another Oscar,” at which point Benny’s fellow diners rose to their feet and applauded, cell phones no doubt wedged between their shoulders and cheeks.

The rest, as they say, is history. And at a point in history where the world is short on heroes, who better to invest our hopes for the future than in those persons able to pretend, with utter credibility, that they possess the bravery, wisdom, fortitude, and charisma to overcome the many contrived obstacles precisely arranged in their paths, and then triumph over their carefully drawn tragic flaws in the end?

Consider former President Ronald Reagan: anomaly or prototype? Prior to our last national election, when asked who they thought would make a good President, 111 of the 100 people polled said they would vote for West Wing star Martin Sheen. Is it then so far fetched to consider hiring a troupe of semi-skilled actors to run our government? As long as we had some top notch writers scripting everything they say and do, would we really be any worse off than we are now?

I for one am relieved to see Hollywood finally dispense with the pretense that The Academy Awards has anything to do with films and filmmaking, focusing its attention instead on the people who bring the celluloid art form to life. Let’s be honest – without the actors and actresses, what would film be but a meaningful, carefully orchestrated series of interconnected pictures that tell a story? Even more importantly, without what some might consider the “insane” compensation film stars receive for laboring minutes on end between massages, sessions with personal trainers, and catered meals, one can only imagine the sad state of affairs this nation’s pharmaceutical, cosmetic surgery, and mental health industries might otherwise find themselves in.

There is a reason we as a nation harbor such fascination for movie stars. The truth is we need our celebrities… the “beautiful people” who, except in the case of Clint Howard, have been put on this earth to help the rest of us see just how unattractive and misshapen we really are, thereby giving us an ideal to strive toward, while simultaneously reinforcing life’s pecking order.

So party on, Hollywood! Truly there is no one more deserving of yourselves than you. And wouldn’t Hillary Swank be a terrific name for a country line dance?



© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Non Compos Mentis Productions, Ltd.