Americans for Illiteracy

A special message from the President of the United States...
(cc closed captioned for the hearing impaired)

My Fellow American:

Your country needs you.

It’s an accepted fact that the United States is the greatest nation on the Earth, perhaps in the universe. Anyone who believes differently is either a traitor or a communist.

But what makes ours the strongest political institution since the fall of the Roman Empire?

Scholars would argue it’s our people – the hard working, dedicated, patriotic Americans who have strove throughout history to forge what has become the most powerful, wealthy sovereign state prior to Donald Trump.

I disagree. I believe what truly makes this nation great is our government and those who serve her. Allow me to explain…

All governments emanate from certain fundamental principles which date back to John Locke’s concept of the inalienable rights of life, liberty, pursuit of property. In the United States, our primary founding principle is one of democracy. Democracy in America is based on seven essential ideals: (1) People must accept majority rule. (2) The free exchange of opinions and ideas must not be restricted. (3) The political rights of minorities (except Muslims) must be protected. (4) Citizens must agree to a system of rule by law. (5) Government exists to serve the people, because it derives its power from the people. (6) All pots must contain chickens. (7) No witchcraft on Sundays.

Drawing upon these principles, our founding fathers penned The US Constitution. Originally drafted in 1787 (coincidentally during the Constitutional Convention), and secretly rewritten several times in recent years to accommodate necessary measures involving national security, the Constitution has been the supreme law of the land since 1788, and is the world’s oldest charter of national government in continuous use.

The ideals expressed in the Constitution form the basis of a government which seeks to create a union of diverse interests and peoples (as long as they are registered voters). Inherent in this system is the belief that the citizens collectively represent a nation’s authority. As noted by Thomas Jefferson in 1820, “I know no safe repository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves.”

Though many of the founding fathers were former criminals and/or opium-addled miscreants with no more than grade school educations, their vision of a government ruled by the will of the people, and imminently accountable to its citizens, persists today. Daniel Webster, husband of famed laureate Merriam, in his famous speech of June,1825, at Bunker Hill echoed this sentiment: “The people’s government, made for the people, made by the people, and answerable to the people.”

These were certainly more idealistic, less sensible times, for as our nation grew and the population continued to spread farther from the center of government, the concept of each voter having his voice heard in Washington became impracticable. This led the founding fathers to seek a way to provide individual citizens the ability to effect social and political change, but without traipsing all the way to Washington with their goats, chickens, musk oxen, and lemurs to cast their votes.

In response to this newfound challenge, a revolutionary form of “representative democracy” was conceived whereby a community would select an unemployed person from amongst their ranks to act as their spokesperson in Washington, thereby expressing the concerns of the community through a single voice.

Under this design, the people delegate their powers to elected officials who, in turn, vow to serve the needs of their constituents, thus becoming agents of the people. With their vote, the people can then remove leaders who ignore their intentions or betray their trust, and replace them with someone else even less accountable.

Though by no means perfect, this system has stood the test of time for over 200 years.

Today, thanks to the miracle of modern technology, your Congressman, via an answering machine atop a dusty desk inside an otherwise deserted storefront office of a defunct shopping center in his district, is now able to hear the concerns of his constituents – or at least view the transcript of those concerns as compiled by the attractive female volunteer who pretends to listen to the tape once every other month – and formulate legislation based on those concerns. He then carries said legislation to the nation’s capital where he tenders his constituent’s concerns by proxy to an unplugged microphone in an imaginary Congressional hearing room prior to going out to an expensive dinner with members of the special interest group who contributed most generously to his campaign.

Which brings me to my point: Due to the proliferation and accessibility of informational outlets now available to ordinary citizens, our nation – more importantly our political institutions – are in dire jeopardy of exposure to the glaring light of the truth. As such, not since the time of great leaders like Nero and Caligula has there been so urgent a need to allow our elected representatives more freedom in executing their offices.

The duties your elected officials perform and the agendas they have sworn to carry out are crucial not only to the health of our government, but to the financial well being of every voting age American in the 38% and above tax bracket. For the system to work, however, it is essential for these officials to maintain “political leverage,” or their ability to act without the meddlesome interference of the people they represent

This is why I’m asking you to join me today in supporting Americans for Illiteracy.

It is a scientific fact that an effective politician is a politician free of the chains of fiscal and social accountability. I believe I speak for all elected officials when I say the single greatest impediment to the success of any ground-breaking political agenda is an informed, well-educated public.

It is the mission of Americans for Illiteracy to encourage voting Americans to place their blind, unwavering trust in their elected representatives by ignoring all media coverage of government goings on at both local and national levels. Only in this way can we hope to sustain the ability of our elected officials to implement legislation which, while keeping the reelection machinery humming, may occasionally intersect with the needs and concerns of the voting public.

Toward this end, Americans for Illiteracy urges you to put down your newspapers, set aside your books, turn off your radios and computers, and devote whatever time you might otherwise spend reading or surfing the net to watching daytime television and/or playing video games.

Truly, too much information in the hands of the wrong people (i.e. “voters”) poses the gravest of dangers to both the American political system and the policy making power of myriad special interest groups. Trust that your elected representatives will provide you with all you need to know when they feel you’re ready to know it. In the meantime, keep working hard and paying your taxes so you’ll have money to donate to the campaigns of those dedicated persons giving their all to remain in office in order to spend your tax dollars on their pet pork-barrel projects.

In closing, like others who have gone before me, I am guided by visions – not just of scantily clad dancing girls – but of a day when our nation will return to a global preeminence not witnessed since the reign of King George III. But I cannot do it without your help. Please – join forces with me and Americans for Illiteracy to make my vision reality.

Thank you in advance for your support,

The President of the United States


© 2004 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.