The Most Miserable Place on Earth

Hi!  I’m Ricky Rat, and I’d like to personally welcome you to Diseaseney World, the most miserable place on earth!

 

Come visit central Florida’s most popular travel destination where all your health and financial nightmares come to life!

Our unique theme parks feature hundreds of attractions, shows, and entertainment designed to make Diseaseney addicts of the whole family so we can pick your pockets for generations to come!

It’s another miserable day at Diseaseney's Tragic Kingdom!

 

Let Ricky Rat be your guide to this magical world where the young and young at heart willingly pay a king’s ransom to cram like sardines into cleverly disguised lines which wind back and forth across three time zones enroute to a souvenir shop, pausing briefly in between to experience a cheesy contrivance masquerading as a thrill ride!

While here, be sure to visit Trash Mountain where kids can claw their way through piles of our own park-generated refuse in search of Magic Maggots.  

Too hot to breathe?  Cool yourself in the brown, putrid waters of Typhoid Lagoon, one of Tragic Kingdom’s three water attractions.

Make sure your tetanus vaccinations are up to date before you embark on the Junk Yard Cruise where after a short boat trip in an authentic garbage scow to Mobility Scooter Island, kids will put their cunning to the test as rabid dogs chase them through a maze of rusty scrap metal, old batteries, and broken glass.

There’s no shortage of fun for grownups at Mom and Dad’s Scary Adventure!  The kids will split their sides watching mom and dad try to escape a locked room with no windows or doors where they have to throw money into the gaping jaws of Louis the Lovesick Alligator in the hope of securing their freedom.  But watch out!  If mom and dad are too stingy, a trap door sends them sliding into a pit with real alligators!

Any swashbucklers in the group?  Arghh!  Then set sail upon a high-seas adventure at the ever popular Parasites of the Caribbean, where landlubbers get to experience firsthand what it was like below decks during a 16^th century sea voyage, having to brave scurvy, lice, and pesky intestinal worms.

Catch your favorite STD at The Swiss Family Whorehouse (penicillin available in the gift shop), or stop-by Dow Chemical’s Parade of Pesticides, a hands-on attraction where guests mix up their own cocktail of toxic chemicals to see who can kill a tank of goldfish faster!

Our newest attraction, Ricky’s Reactor Race, challenges kids to find their way out of an underground nuclear waste storage facility before their dosimeter badges reach critical.  

And don’t miss the perennial family favorite, It’s a Sick World, where animatronic figures of children from around the globe cough, sneeze, and wipe their noses and on each other, resulting in a worldwide pandemic.

Tired of rides and shows?  Then take a break at one of hundreds of themed restaurants all featuring the same food at prices which rival the room service menu at a Manhattan hotel.  Or browse one of our thousands of shops and boutiques, each adorned by clever signs promising unique and varied goods and services, but which all feature identical licensed merchandise at more than double the fare of an airport terminal kiosk.

And rest assured that everything we offer in our shops is designed to look stylish and apropos at work, home, or play.  Won’t you look smart wearing your giant-brimmed Gooey the Decomposing Dog cap on the construction site, waving your flashing Stinkerbell wand at church, or strutting around the law firm with a handsome pair of Ricky Rat ears perched atop your head?

Follow your nose to Diseaseney’s Animal Park Playground!

   

Who doesn’t love animals?  (Especially when they’re properly prepared.)  So get ready for a fun-and-gun-packin' day at Animal Park Playground!

Upon arrival, all guests board authentic Range Rover transports and head out into the Australian Outback where the world’s largest collection of endangered species roams freely among acre upon acre of manufactured rocks and faux vegetation.

 

Whether you’re shooting for trophies, tucker, or fun, you’ll find no shortage of targets at the Animal Park.   

What’s that?  Rifle confiscated by TSA?  No worries, mate!  Our game experts keep their transports fully stocked with the latest high-powered killing tools – and of course, plenty of ammo!

For an extra charge, let the top blokes in one of our seven five-star restaurants expertly prepare anything you kill during the day for your dinner that night.  You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted one of Chef Gary’s giraffe burgers hot off the barbie, or Chef Pauly’s polar bear pot pie.  And the black rhinoceros soup is a real rip snorter!

 Travel from Pestilence to Pandemic at Diseaseney's EPCRAP 

To round out your Diseaseney experience, be sure to save time for the many wonders of EPCRAP (Experimental Protozoan Contagions Rampant Among People). 

EPCRAP attracts folks from the four corners of the earth, each bringing with them their own cultures, languages, and contagious microorganisms!  (Our EPCRAP motto: One world, one petri dish.)

Sponsored by the World Health Organization, this futuristic park features the always popular Diseases of the World attraction.  Without ever leaving central Florida, you and your family can travel

from continent to continent, country to country, becoming exposed to long-since eradicated diseases you’ve likely never heard of and which has no known cure in the US!

 

In Europe, ride in an open barrel through the rat-infested sewers of medieval England where guests try as they might to avoid the Black Plague.  Or travel over to China where visitors float down the Yangtze River dodging bombarding waterfowl carrying Avian Flu H5N1, 2, and 3, then across the blue Pacific to tropical Molokai where you can rub elbows with actual lepers!

 

In Egypt, wade into an authentic Nile River swamp infested by millions of malaria-infected mosquitoes, then trek over to the forbidden regions of the African Congo for a spine-tingling ride on the thrilling Ebola-Ola Roller Coaster.

 

Visitors to our country can capture the true spirit of western expansionism as they don cowboy hats, chaps, and boots and ride horseback into America’s old west, following in the footsteps of European missionaries as they bring bibles, cholera, and smallpox to isolated native tribes living in the northern Great Plains.

And top off your day with a bite to eat at the Enchanted Stinky Room featuring the smells of foods and flatulence from around the globe, or check out It’s a Bug’s Death where all manner of exotic bugs and insects are drown in molten chocolate then fed to patrons while still warm.  Mmm-mmm, good!

Remember – money is no object to parents who truly love their kids.  So sit back, relax, and let our cast members help you find new and creative ways to show your love by draining your wallets of any remaining cash before a Tragic Express motor coach dumps you at the airport filthy, penniless, and convulsing with a raging fever for your return flight home.

With so much to do and see, you’ll want to visit us every year!  So don’t be a stranger – get your immunizations, take out that second mortgage, and come back to see us again real soon!

So b-bye for now.  See you next time.  And have don't forget to have yourself a miserable Diseaseney day! 

2018 Layne Family Christmas Letter

‘Tis the season to welcome yet another round of insufferable, condescending, and totally un-relatable December-to-Remember commercials.

2018 began as most years do with winter which, in a never more convincing argument for global warming, ended in July.

In February, after much gnashing of hands and wringing of teeth, Amanda finally narrowed her college choices to Alabama, University of ILL-inois, and Nebraska.  Because the Huskers presented her the most generous scholarship offer, Karen and Amanda set off on a mother-daughter adventure to explore Lincoln one frigid February weekend.  Karen fell in love and decided to stay, but before she could ink the deal on her apartment lease, Amanda insisted they set out for home during a blinding snowstorm which shut down I-80 for two days.  They were eventually rescued by the state police, but the experience effectively crossed NE off Amanda’s list, much to Karen’s disappointment.  Karen’s abandoned minivan was recovered two weeks later, then immediately deposited at Carmax, the family’s favorite charity.

In March, we packed Amanda’s entire wardrobe along with a Walgreen’s-worth of toiletries into three steamer trunks for her class trip to Lille, France.  With a tear in her mother’s eye (and a gleam of profound joy in her sister’s), we deposited Amanda at the airport under the dubious supervision of her maladroit French teacher for a 14 day sojourn across the pond.  Fully expecting her to defect, all were surprised at how anxious she was to return to her familiar surroundings, normal food, and mother who runs her interminable errands.

According to Game Changer, Ally’s freshman season as starting varsity pitcher for Nazareth Academy went well, even though we only caught brief glimpses of her through the blinding snow which lasted until Memorial Day.  As luck would have it, the highly regarded female coach who was the driving force behind her decision to attend Naz turned out to be a bipolar misogynist who hates kids and kicks puppies.  After her team’s successful albeit tear-filled season, the school had the good sense to replace the unhinged female skipper with a calm and stable male who’s only dislikes are rude hand gestures and pickled herring.  It remains to be seen how things will play out, but if all else fails, Naz’s state champ varsity football coach said he’d hold a spot for her on the O line.

With only Alabama and Illinois left on her short list, and because Illinois was both equally as expensive and bereft of anything resembling a football program, Amanda emphatically elected to join the Crimson Tide (which, according to the internet, is a toxic strain of salt water algae).  But when her best friend chose Tampa instead of Bama, she started having second thoughts about being 10 hours from home and $105,000 in debt.  Sensing her weakness and indecision, K & M hacked into her high school account, stole her transcript, and surreptitiously submitted an application to Illinois State.  They pretty much forgot about it until one day after school when Amanda stomped into the house, threw the acceptance letter in their faces, and vowed to never, ever, in a million years, over her sister’s dead body, attend ISU.

By all accounts, Ally is alive and well, and Amanda’s first semester at ISU has gone swimmingly.  She joined Alpha Delta Pi, likes her classes, and enjoys living in Normal (ironic on many levels).  Although ISU is a renowned teacher’s college, Amanda’s distaste for school, children, and the mere idea of benefitting from an overly generous, economically unsustainable pension, caused her to eschew any thought of a career in teaching, opting instead for the college of communications with an emphasis in public relations.  Mark has the under on how long it will take her to switch to education.

Speaking of Amanda, June brought a ceremonious end to four years of pain and suffering at the hands of the honors and AP curriculum at LPHS when Amanda walked across the stage to receive her HS diploma, and without falling off the riser in her impractical, unnecessarily tall shoes.

Speaking of impractical and unnecessary, August marked our first full year with Maggie the Mongrel.  Boasting a truly sweet disposition and all the cunning of a spoon, her only interests are squirrels, trees known to harbor squirrels, and squirrel-shaped treats.  She also enjoys playing tug 24/7 and stalking Mark to the point he had to put up a gate next to his desk to keep her away.  Mark has been forced to defile the shrine once known as Amanda’s bedroom by sleeping therein when Maggie wakes him at 2 AM to play.  Worse than a two year old with A-D-D, Mark never skips an opportunity to unload Maggie onto an unsuspecting family or stranger.  He might have gotten away with it, too, if the garbage man hadn’t noticed the trash bag squirming.

After decades of fighting and tears, when it finally came time for Amanda to leave for college, Ally was genuinely sad – for all of fifteen minutes.  Having quickly adjusted to being an only child, Ally admits to missing her sister, but only on Thursdays after a full moon.  K & M have enjoyed the additional time spent bonding with Ally during ten hours per week they spend driving her back-and-forth to school.  Mark has adapted to shaving, bathing, and brushing his teeth while behind the wheel, all of which bodes well for Karen’s plan to buy an RV and visit every Jellystone Park worldwide once the kids finish college.

With Amanda away and having grown tired of the drive, K & M listed the house in October.  Their goal is to find someplace closer to Naz that’s smaller and less costly to maintain in the hope of one day affording themselves a decent funeral.  For those unfamiliar, house hunting is a dreadful process which makes one yearn for a life behind bars.  Having the girls’ input in the search has been most helpful, however.  Amanda emails us a hundred Zillow listings every day for homes we can’t afford, whereas Ally laments that every house we visit is haunted while insisting having any more than two bedrooms will only discourage Amanda from remaining at school year round.

From K & M’s perspective, the school years can’t end soon enough, and ideally before they are forced to take up residence under an overpass.  We are beginning to question whether the price of education, described by the founder of modern macroeconomics, John Maynard Keynes, as “… the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent,” is worth it.  It had better be; we’re in too deep to turn back now.

Merry Christmas to all and to all good grief!

 Mark, Karen, Amanda, Ally, & Maggie