‘Tis the season to welcome yet another round of insufferable,
condescending, and totally un-relatable December-to-Remember commercials.
2018 began as most years do with winter which, in a never
more convincing argument for global warming, ended in July.
In February, after much gnashing of hands and wringing of teeth,
Amanda finally narrowed her college choices to Alabama, University of
ILL-inois, and Nebraska. Because the
Huskers presented her the most generous scholarship offer, Karen and Amanda set
off on a mother-daughter adventure to explore Lincoln one frigid February weekend. Karen fell in love and decided to stay, but
before she could ink the deal on her apartment lease, Amanda insisted they set
out for home during a blinding snowstorm which shut down I-80 for two days. They were eventually rescued by the state
police, but the experience effectively crossed NE off Amanda’s list, much to
Karen’s disappointment. Karen’s abandoned
minivan was recovered two weeks later, then immediately deposited at Carmax,
the family’s favorite charity.
In March, we packed Amanda’s entire wardrobe along with a
Walgreen’s-worth of toiletries into three steamer trunks for her class trip to
Lille, France. With a tear in her mother’s
eye (and a gleam of profound joy in her sister’s), we deposited Amanda at the
airport under the dubious supervision of her maladroit French teacher for a 14
day sojourn across the pond. Fully
expecting her to defect, all were surprised at how anxious she was to return to
her familiar surroundings, normal food, and mother who runs her interminable
errands.
According to Game Changer, Ally’s freshman season as
starting varsity pitcher for Nazareth Academy went well, even though we only
caught brief glimpses of her through the blinding snow which lasted until Memorial
Day. As luck would have it, the highly
regarded female coach who was the driving force behind her decision to attend Naz
turned out to be a bipolar misogynist who hates kids and kicks puppies. After her team’s successful albeit tear-filled
season, the school had the good sense to replace the unhinged female skipper with
a calm and stable male who’s only dislikes are rude hand gestures and pickled herring. It remains to be seen how things will play
out, but if all else fails, Naz’s state champ varsity football coach said he’d
hold a spot for her on the O line.
With only Alabama and Illinois left on her short list, and
because Illinois was both equally as expensive and bereft of anything
resembling a football program, Amanda emphatically elected to join the Crimson
Tide (which, according to the internet, is a toxic strain of salt water algae). But when her best friend chose Tampa instead
of Bama, she started having second thoughts about being 10 hours from home and
$105,000 in debt. Sensing her weakness
and indecision, K & M hacked into her high school account, stole her
transcript, and surreptitiously submitted an application to Illinois State. They pretty much forgot about it until one
day after school when Amanda stomped into the house, threw the acceptance
letter in their faces, and vowed to never, ever, in a million years, over her sister’s
dead body, attend ISU.
By all accounts, Ally is alive and well, and Amanda’s first
semester at ISU has gone swimmingly. She
joined Alpha Delta Pi, likes her classes, and enjoys living in Normal (ironic
on many levels). Although ISU is a
renowned teacher’s college, Amanda’s distaste for school, children, and the
mere idea of benefitting from an overly generous, economically unsustainable
pension, caused her to eschew any thought of a career in teaching, opting
instead for the college of communications with an emphasis in public
relations. Mark has the under on how
long it will take her to switch to education.
Speaking of Amanda, June brought a ceremonious end to four
years of pain and suffering at the hands of the honors and AP curriculum at
LPHS when Amanda walked across the stage to receive her HS diploma, and without
falling off the riser in her impractical, unnecessarily tall shoes.
Speaking of impractical and unnecessary, August marked our first
full year with Maggie the Mongrel.
Boasting a truly sweet disposition and all the cunning of a spoon, her
only interests are squirrels, trees known to harbor squirrels, and
squirrel-shaped treats. She also enjoys playing
tug 24/7 and stalking Mark to the point he had to put up a gate next to his
desk to keep her away. Mark has been
forced to defile the shrine once known as Amanda’s bedroom by sleeping therein when
Maggie wakes him at 2 AM to play. Worse
than a two year old with A-D-D, Mark never skips an opportunity to unload Maggie
onto an unsuspecting family or stranger.
He might have gotten away with it, too, if the garbage man hadn’t noticed
the trash bag squirming.
After decades of fighting and tears, when it finally came
time for Amanda to leave for college, Ally was genuinely sad – for all of
fifteen minutes. Having quickly adjusted
to being an only child, Ally admits to missing her sister, but only on
Thursdays after a full moon. K & M
have enjoyed the additional time spent bonding with Ally during ten hours per
week they spend driving her back-and-forth to school. Mark has adapted to shaving, bathing, and
brushing his teeth while behind the wheel, all of which bodes well for Karen’s
plan to buy an RV and visit every Jellystone Park worldwide once the kids
finish college.
With Amanda away and having grown tired of the drive, K
& M listed the house in October. Their
goal is to find someplace closer to Naz that’s smaller and less costly to
maintain in the hope of one day affording themselves a decent funeral. For those unfamiliar, house hunting is a
dreadful process which makes one yearn for a life behind bars. Having the girls’ input in the search has
been most helpful, however. Amanda emails
us a hundred Zillow listings every day for homes we can’t afford, whereas Ally laments
that every house we visit is haunted while insisting having any more than two
bedrooms will only discourage Amanda from remaining at school year round.
From K & M’s perspective, the school years can’t end
soon enough, and ideally before they are forced to take up residence under an
overpass. We are beginning to question
whether the price of education, described by the founder of modern
macroeconomics, John Maynard Keynes, as “… the inculcation of the
incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent,” is worth it. It had better be; we’re in too deep to turn
back now.
Merry Christmas to all and to all good grief!
Mark, Karen, Amanda, Ally, & Maggie
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