The Most Miserable Place on Earth

Hi!  I’m Ricky Rat, and I’d like to personally welcome you to Diseaseney World, the most miserable place on earth!

 

Come visit central Florida’s most popular travel destination where all your health and financial nightmares come to life!

Our unique theme parks feature hundreds of attractions, shows, and entertainment designed to make Diseaseney addicts of the whole family so we can pick your pockets for generations to come!

It’s another miserable day at Diseaseney's Tragic Kingdom!

 

Let Ricky Rat be your guide to this magical world where the young and young at heart willingly pay a king’s ransom to cram like sardines into cleverly disguised lines which wind back and forth across three time zones enroute to a souvenir shop, pausing briefly in between to experience a cheesy contrivance masquerading as a thrill ride!

While here, be sure to visit Trash Mountain where kids can claw their way through piles of our own park-generated refuse in search of Magic Maggots.  

Too hot to breathe?  Cool yourself in the brown, putrid waters of Typhoid Lagoon, one of Tragic Kingdom’s three water attractions.

Make sure your tetanus vaccinations are up to date before you embark on the Junk Yard Cruise where after a short boat trip in an authentic garbage scow to Mobility Scooter Island, kids will put their cunning to the test as rabid dogs chase them through a maze of rusty scrap metal, old batteries, and broken glass.

There’s no shortage of fun for grownups at Mom and Dad’s Scary Adventure!  The kids will split their sides watching mom and dad try to escape a locked room with no windows or doors where they have to throw money into the gaping jaws of Louis the Lovesick Alligator in the hope of securing their freedom.  But watch out!  If mom and dad are too stingy, a trap door sends them sliding into a pit with real alligators!

Any swashbucklers in the group?  Arghh!  Then set sail upon a high-seas adventure at the ever popular Parasites of the Caribbean, where landlubbers get to experience firsthand what it was like below decks during a 16^th century sea voyage, having to brave scurvy, lice, and pesky intestinal worms.

Catch your favorite STD at The Swiss Family Whorehouse (penicillin available in the gift shop), or stop-by Dow Chemical’s Parade of Pesticides, a hands-on attraction where guests mix up their own cocktail of toxic chemicals to see who can kill a tank of goldfish faster!

Our newest attraction, Ricky’s Reactor Race, challenges kids to find their way out of an underground nuclear waste storage facility before their dosimeter badges reach critical.  

And don’t miss the perennial family favorite, It’s a Sick World, where animatronic figures of children from around the globe cough, sneeze, and wipe their noses and on each other, resulting in a worldwide pandemic.

Tired of rides and shows?  Then take a break at one of hundreds of themed restaurants all featuring the same food at prices which rival the room service menu at a Manhattan hotel.  Or browse one of our thousands of shops and boutiques, each adorned by clever signs promising unique and varied goods and services, but which all feature identical licensed merchandise at more than double the fare of an airport terminal kiosk.

And rest assured that everything we offer in our shops is designed to look stylish and apropos at work, home, or play.  Won’t you look smart wearing your giant-brimmed Gooey the Decomposing Dog cap on the construction site, waving your flashing Stinkerbell wand at church, or strutting around the law firm with a handsome pair of Ricky Rat ears perched atop your head?

Follow your nose to Diseaseney’s Animal Park Playground!

   

Who doesn’t love animals?  (Especially when they’re properly prepared.)  So get ready for a fun-and-gun-packin' day at Animal Park Playground!

Upon arrival, all guests board authentic Range Rover transports and head out into the Australian Outback where the world’s largest collection of endangered species roams freely among acre upon acre of manufactured rocks and faux vegetation.

 

Whether you’re shooting for trophies, tucker, or fun, you’ll find no shortage of targets at the Animal Park.   

What’s that?  Rifle confiscated by TSA?  No worries, mate!  Our game experts keep their transports fully stocked with the latest high-powered killing tools – and of course, plenty of ammo!

For an extra charge, let the top blokes in one of our seven five-star restaurants expertly prepare anything you kill during the day for your dinner that night.  You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted one of Chef Gary’s giraffe burgers hot off the barbie, or Chef Pauly’s polar bear pot pie.  And the black rhinoceros soup is a real rip snorter!

 Travel from Pestilence to Pandemic at Diseaseney's EPCRAP 

To round out your Diseaseney experience, be sure to save time for the many wonders of EPCRAP (Experimental Protozoan Contagions Rampant Among People). 

EPCRAP attracts folks from the four corners of the earth, each bringing with them their own cultures, languages, and contagious microorganisms!  (Our EPCRAP motto: One world, one petri dish.)

Sponsored by the World Health Organization, this futuristic park features the always popular Diseases of the World attraction.  Without ever leaving central Florida, you and your family can travel

from continent to continent, country to country, becoming exposed to long-since eradicated diseases you’ve likely never heard of and which has no known cure in the US!

 

In Europe, ride in an open barrel through the rat-infested sewers of medieval England where guests try as they might to avoid the Black Plague.  Or travel over to China where visitors float down the Yangtze River dodging bombarding waterfowl carrying Avian Flu H5N1, 2, and 3, then across the blue Pacific to tropical Molokai where you can rub elbows with actual lepers!

 

In Egypt, wade into an authentic Nile River swamp infested by millions of malaria-infected mosquitoes, then trek over to the forbidden regions of the African Congo for a spine-tingling ride on the thrilling Ebola-Ola Roller Coaster.

 

Visitors to our country can capture the true spirit of western expansionism as they don cowboy hats, chaps, and boots and ride horseback into America’s old west, following in the footsteps of European missionaries as they bring bibles, cholera, and smallpox to isolated native tribes living in the northern Great Plains.

And top off your day with a bite to eat at the Enchanted Stinky Room featuring the smells of foods and flatulence from around the globe, or check out It’s a Bug’s Death where all manner of exotic bugs and insects are drown in molten chocolate then fed to patrons while still warm.  Mmm-mmm, good!

Remember – money is no object to parents who truly love their kids.  So sit back, relax, and let our cast members help you find new and creative ways to show your love by draining your wallets of any remaining cash before a Tragic Express motor coach dumps you at the airport filthy, penniless, and convulsing with a raging fever for your return flight home.

With so much to do and see, you’ll want to visit us every year!  So don’t be a stranger – get your immunizations, take out that second mortgage, and come back to see us again real soon!

So b-bye for now.  See you next time.  And have don't forget to have yourself a miserable Diseaseney day!