The Most Miserable Place on Earth

Hi!  I’m Ricky Rat, and I’d like to personally welcome you to Diseaseney World, the most miserable place on earth!

 

Come visit central Florida’s most popular travel destination where all your health and financial nightmares come to life!

Our unique theme parks feature hundreds of attractions, shows, and entertainment designed to make Diseaseney addicts of the whole family so we can pick your pockets for generations to come!

It’s another miserable day at Diseaseney's Tragic Kingdom!

 

Let Ricky Rat be your guide to this magical world where the young and young at heart willingly pay a king’s ransom to cram like sardines into cleverly disguised lines which wind back and forth across three time zones enroute to a souvenir shop, pausing briefly in between to experience a cheesy contrivance masquerading as a thrill ride!

While here, be sure to visit Trash Mountain where kids can claw their way through piles of our own park-generated refuse in search of Magic Maggots.  

Too hot to breathe?  Cool yourself in the brown, putrid waters of Typhoid Lagoon, one of Tragic Kingdom’s three water attractions.

Make sure your tetanus vaccinations are up to date before you embark on the Junk Yard Cruise where after a short boat trip in an authentic garbage scow to Mobility Scooter Island, kids will put their cunning to the test as rabid dogs chase them through a maze of rusty scrap metal, old batteries, and broken glass.

There’s no shortage of fun for grownups at Mom and Dad’s Scary Adventure!  The kids will split their sides watching mom and dad try to escape a locked room with no windows or doors where they have to throw money into the gaping jaws of Louis the Lovesick Alligator in the hope of securing their freedom.  But watch out!  If mom and dad are too stingy, a trap door sends them sliding into a pit with real alligators!

Any swashbucklers in the group?  Arghh!  Then set sail upon a high-seas adventure at the ever popular Parasites of the Caribbean, where landlubbers get to experience firsthand what it was like below decks during a 16^th century sea voyage, having to brave scurvy, lice, and pesky intestinal worms.

Catch your favorite STD at The Swiss Family Whorehouse (penicillin available in the gift shop), or stop-by Dow Chemical’s Parade of Pesticides, a hands-on attraction where guests mix up their own cocktail of toxic chemicals to see who can kill a tank of goldfish faster!

Our newest attraction, Ricky’s Reactor Race, challenges kids to find their way out of an underground nuclear waste storage facility before their dosimeter badges reach critical.  

And don’t miss the perennial family favorite, It’s a Sick World, where animatronic figures of children from around the globe cough, sneeze, and wipe their noses and on each other, resulting in a worldwide pandemic.

Tired of rides and shows?  Then take a break at one of hundreds of themed restaurants all featuring the same food at prices which rival the room service menu at a Manhattan hotel.  Or browse one of our thousands of shops and boutiques, each adorned by clever signs promising unique and varied goods and services, but which all feature identical licensed merchandise at more than double the fare of an airport terminal kiosk.

And rest assured that everything we offer in our shops is designed to look stylish and apropos at work, home, or play.  Won’t you look smart wearing your giant-brimmed Gooey the Decomposing Dog cap on the construction site, waving your flashing Stinkerbell wand at church, or strutting around the law firm with a handsome pair of Ricky Rat ears perched atop your head?

Follow your nose to Diseaseney’s Animal Park Playground!

   

Who doesn’t love animals?  (Especially when they’re properly prepared.)  So get ready for a fun-and-gun-packin' day at Animal Park Playground!

Upon arrival, all guests board authentic Range Rover transports and head out into the Australian Outback where the world’s largest collection of endangered species roams freely among acre upon acre of manufactured rocks and faux vegetation.

 

Whether you’re shooting for trophies, tucker, or fun, you’ll find no shortage of targets at the Animal Park.   

What’s that?  Rifle confiscated by TSA?  No worries, mate!  Our game experts keep their transports fully stocked with the latest high-powered killing tools – and of course, plenty of ammo!

For an extra charge, let the top blokes in one of our seven five-star restaurants expertly prepare anything you kill during the day for your dinner that night.  You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted one of Chef Gary’s giraffe burgers hot off the barbie, or Chef Pauly’s polar bear pot pie.  And the black rhinoceros soup is a real rip snorter!

 Travel from Pestilence to Pandemic at Diseaseney's EPCRAP 

To round out your Diseaseney experience, be sure to save time for the many wonders of EPCRAP (Experimental Protozoan Contagions Rampant Among People). 

EPCRAP attracts folks from the four corners of the earth, each bringing with them their own cultures, languages, and contagious microorganisms!  (Our EPCRAP motto: One world, one petri dish.)

Sponsored by the World Health Organization, this futuristic park features the always popular Diseases of the World attraction.  Without ever leaving central Florida, you and your family can travel

from continent to continent, country to country, becoming exposed to long-since eradicated diseases you’ve likely never heard of and which has no known cure in the US!

 

In Europe, ride in an open barrel through the rat-infested sewers of medieval England where guests try as they might to avoid the Black Plague.  Or travel over to China where visitors float down the Yangtze River dodging bombarding waterfowl carrying Avian Flu H5N1, 2, and 3, then across the blue Pacific to tropical Molokai where you can rub elbows with actual lepers!

 

In Egypt, wade into an authentic Nile River swamp infested by millions of malaria-infected mosquitoes, then trek over to the forbidden regions of the African Congo for a spine-tingling ride on the thrilling Ebola-Ola Roller Coaster.

 

Visitors to our country can capture the true spirit of western expansionism as they don cowboy hats, chaps, and boots and ride horseback into America’s old west, following in the footsteps of European missionaries as they bring bibles, cholera, and smallpox to isolated native tribes living in the northern Great Plains.

And top off your day with a bite to eat at the Enchanted Stinky Room featuring the smells of foods and flatulence from around the globe, or check out It’s a Bug’s Death where all manner of exotic bugs and insects are drown in molten chocolate then fed to patrons while still warm.  Mmm-mmm, good!

Remember – money is no object to parents who truly love their kids.  So sit back, relax, and let our cast members help you find new and creative ways to show your love by draining your wallets of any remaining cash before a Tragic Express motor coach dumps you at the airport filthy, penniless, and convulsing with a raging fever for your return flight home.

With so much to do and see, you’ll want to visit us every year!  So don’t be a stranger – get your immunizations, take out that second mortgage, and come back to see us again real soon!

So b-bye for now.  See you next time.  And have don't forget to have yourself a miserable Diseaseney day! 

Walk of Shame

America was discovered by men of great courage – intrepid explorers who braved long and perilous ocean voyages, landing upon the rugged, foreboding shores of this continent where they endured harsh conditions, bitter winters, hostile natives, and the Donner Party, all to bring the hope of civilization and professional football to this wild and untamed land.   

Which leaves me to wonder – given our proud heritage of exploration and fortitude, when did we all become too lazy to walk?

What I’m referring to is the recent proliferation of electronic convenience vehicle or ECV – a battery powered wheel-craft designed to locomote persons who ostensibly cannot do so themselves.

Also referred to as “mobility scooters,” I became aware of their existence thanks to those late night television ads which prey upon the elderly, specifically my mother.  I did not realize the extent of their pervasiveness, however, until we decided to bring the kids to Disney World.  (Motto: Experience the magic of your disappearing cash!)

When I say “we,” I of course mean “my wife” in that most males recognize Disney as a money devouring monster in the shape of a giant mouse whose sole objective is to separate you from your savings faster than the speeding roller coaster you just waited in line two hours to ride.

After a twenty minute delay during which our bus driver loaded, secured, and unloaded a half dozen ECV’s, we finally arrived at the Tragic Kingdom.  (Motto: The happiest place on earth for Disney shareholders.)  

At first, I thought we had stepped into the midst of a new Disney attraction:  Scooter Land – a futuristic society where humans have evolved beyond their need for legs.  I could already hear Goofy’s voice in my head: “Kindly exit through the gift shop featuring an enticing assortment of Mickey scooters, canes, and prosthetics.” 

At the risk of offending ECV owners, I realize many persons who employ these devices do so out of medical necessity.  Our neighbor, for instance, rides his scooter from the house to the end of his driveway – tubes up his nose, oxygen bottle strapped to the rear, smoldering cigarette dangling from his lower lip – to take out the trash.   

My own father, who suffers from congestive heart failure and has two bad knees, is just the sort of person who would benefit greatly from one of these contraptions.  He gets out of breath walking twenty feet and can’t ascend a flight of stairs without pausing for a martini.

Dad is a veteran of WWII, however, and would never consider taking advantage of any modern convenience that might improve his quality of life.  In his mind, crawling on one’s belly under barbed wire through a muddy field with tracers flying overhead is nothing compared to the indignity of accepting another’s assistance – unless it’s from a short-skirted cocktail waitress carrying a tray of vodka tonics. 

Nevertheless, each day of our magical adventure found us assaulted, nudged, and bypassed in line by folks on scooters.  There was even an ECV rental booth at the entrance to every park.  Most days, they were sold out by ten AM.

It confounds me why anyone with a dire medical condition which prevents them from walking would purposely come to a 10,000 acre theme park where walking, standing in line, and sprinting to the nearest ATM are prerequisites.  

Yes, there were those indolent few who needed assistance to get around.  There were also a remarkable number of perfectly healthy individuals – some in their teens – riding to and fro for no reason other than they were too lazy to walk or didn’t want to wait in line.    

At our resort, we watched two intoxicated seniors – one wearing a Richard Petty hat and the other a Dale Earnhardt t-shirt – plow their way through the hotel lobby, scattering toddlers and costumed characters, in a race to take the pole position at the early-bird buffet.   And my nine-year-old was nearly mowed down outside the tennis courts by two scooter-enabled couples in their thirties who had cut their doubles match short to ride to the fitness center for their 3 PM rock climbing class. 

Back home, our local news carried the story of a heroic man who came to the aid of a woman whose scooter became trapped on the railroad tracks at a crossing.  She had somehow turned parallel to the rails and got her wheels stuck.  Casting his personal welfare aside, this brave soul bolted into the crossing, pulled the woman from her scooter, and dragged her to safety mere seconds before the downtown express pulverized her ECV into poker-chip-size pieces. 

During the post near-tragedy interview, the woman was understandably grateful to the man for saving her life, but nevertheless disappointed he didn’t also rescue her scooter as she would now have to walk the four blocks back to her home.  The man apologetically offered her a ride.

So as the dawn of another year approaches, I resolve to walk less, ride more, and perhaps take up smoking, because if I’ve learned one thing for certain, it’s the stairway to heaven ends in a souvenir shop.