LOS ANGELES – In a landmark initiative, the California State Legislature unanimously declared that murder is now legal in California, as long as it is committed within the sanctity of the “immediate family” and by a “well-known celebrity.”
“This is a terrific example of our justice system at work,” commented public defender Robbie “Whipsaw” Cochran, outspoken cousin of O.J. Simpson’s defense counsel. “What the state is saying is what we’ve been saying all along: just because the police find a knife covered in a victim’s blood with a dude’s finger prints on the weapon and a video tape of that same dude stabbing the victim left next to his signed confession, it doesn’t necessarily mean the dude’s guilty.”
According to sources in state government, recent decisions in the lower courts prompted Tuesday’s controversial action. Douglas Shriver, spokesperson for the California Supreme Court, was relieved. “We are now able to eliminate dozens of “frivolous” celebrity murder trials from our already overburdened court system. The legislature must have finally realized there was no sense perpetuating the charade that celebrities are subject to same laws as the rest of the population, especially when there are so many more serious issues currently before the court such as gay marriage.”
A source inside the Governor’s office who wished to remain anonymous claimed, however, that the decision was based more on economic considerations owing to the state’s recent financial crisis. “This is California. Our entire economy is linked to the entertainment industry. Speaking from an economic standpoint, if our primary export product is entertainment, and celebrities are the raw material from which that product is forged, then, in spite of what reprehensible citizens they may be, locking them all up would be not only foolish, but economically disastrous given the state’s current budget situation.”
Assistant Lieutenant Governor, Günter Schwarzenegger, denied this legislation had anything to do Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s former ties to Hollywood. “That’s nonsense,” he claimed. “Arnold was never a very good actor anyway.”
Religious groups are understandably outraged. “This is a travesty,” complained Rev. Calvin Glover of the San Dimas Church of Future Day Martyrs. An advocate for the prevention of domestic violence, Reverend Glover has devoted his ministry to the prevention of such crimes subsequent to his 1991 conviction for spousal abuse. “This ruling will only serve to place innocent lives in jeopardy, including my own wife’s.”
I understand his concerns,” stated Esmeralda Clooney, inside counsel for the Screen Actor’s Guild, “but these aren’t people we’re talking about. They’re celebrities. As such, they must be held to a different standard of law.”
Defense lawyers for Michael Jackson were ecstatic about the law’s passage. “In a way, it’s too bad Michael didn’t just kill those kids,” remarked Michael’s lead counsel. “If he had, this trial would be over already.” When asked how he thought Michael will fare before a jury of his peers, Jackson’s attorney laughed. “Of course Michael has no peers – at least not on this planet. Regardless, I expect my client to get off – excuse me – be acquitted. I mean – compared to murder, whatever Michael allegedly did probably isn’t even against the law now.”
Some questions remain as to what qualifies one as a “well-known” celebrity under the revised statutes. Experts believe the courts will likely rule that a defendant would need to have acquired their celebrity status prior to committing a murder, not as a result of publicity relating to the commission of said act.
According to Donald Kennedy, chairman of the California Bar Association, “Under the new law, even though Robert Blake has been out of the limelight for decades, given his well established television presence in the 1970’s, he would have been perfectly within his right to shoot Ms. Bakely right there in the restaurant in front of dozens of eye witnesses without the least fear of prosecution.”
Scott Peterson, on the other hand, was a relative unknown prior to murdering his wife, Laci, and as a result stood no chance of acquittal. “Ironically, Scott would have been better off hiring Robert Blake to kill his wife,” quipped Kennedy. Most legal experts agree, however, that even if Peterson had not killed his wife, the state would have found some other excuse to put him to death, if for no other reason than to “rid the planet of a real schmuck.”
Although no one in California is quite sure what the long term repercussions of the revised law will be, Hollywood is bracing for a rash of new killings expected to follow in the wake of the recent legislation.
Film producer Martin Scorsese is already scrambling to revise casting on a new film he begins shooting next month which was scheduled to star Barbara Streisand. “We don’t expect her to survive the week,” lamented Scorsese. “It’s better to replace her now with someone less likely to get whacked, than take the chance Brolin snuffs her two weeks into filming.”
Renown Las Vegas odds maker Vinnie “The Pocket” Felice says Las Vegas is already accepting wagers on which celebrities will be the first to die.
Despite widely publicized rumors of her death during the late 1980’s, Felice says Joan Rivers is alive, well, “raking in the bucks” at casinos up and down the strip. Smart money, however, seems to be flowing toward one of Hollywood’s more contemporary honeys. “Even though she’s not technically anyone’s spouse, most folks are throwing down on Paris Hilton,” said Felice. “It seems most everyone hates her guts.”
Other names at the top of the odds maker’s list include Sean Penn, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Ben Affleck. “If this happened a few months ago, Affleck would have been a goner right away,” insists Felice. “Since he’s been hanging around with Jennifer Garner, though, it’s hard to say. I mean, I’ve watched that chick tear out a guy’s liver, cook it, and feed it to him for dinner before he knew it was missing. No way J-Lo messes up Ben with her around.”
The fates of other Hollywood couples aren’t as easy to predict. Political analysts attribute this uncertainty to whether the courts will interpret the new law as including common law marriages and/or ex-spouses. Under the extended scenario, Felice likes a Madonna-Sean Penn ticket. “I’d give Madonna the edge physically, but Penn has a real mean streak. It’d be a great fight.” Asked about another of his favorite match ups, Felice gives Bruce Willis the nod over Demi Moore, owing mostly to Willis’ roles in the Die Hard films. “He’s smart, creative, and ruthless,” insists Felice. “And to top it off, he has motive. I mean Ashton Kutcher? What the hell is that all about?”
Owing to unpredictable violent outbursts associated with frequent steroid use, another group in the high risk category are the wives of Major League Baseball players. Felice agreed. “Yeah. We’re expecting a lot of them to get whacked too.” Commissioner Bud Selig declined comment.
Sales of rat poison and handguns have tripled in the Los Angeles area since the new law passed. Even so, only time will tell how this all plays out, and whether other states will follow suit. Until then, it seems the law change is putting America’s famous on their best behavior. “I even saw Bill and Hillary holding hands yesterday,” claimed a Washington political insider. “Yep – everyone’s all smiles and politeness these days, cause they know when they get home, it could be whackin’ time,” agreed Felice.
Finally, the California State Parole Board tells us the Charles Manson case is being reviewed under the new statute. Experts agree Manson’s fate will likely hang on the court’s interpretation of the term “family.”
© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.
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