It is once again that time of year where we, the reasonably
intelligent citizens of the United States, consent to participate in the
semiannual sham of
Daylight Savings.
I am frankly insulted that our leaders in Washington believe
we are stupid enough to buy into the premise that merely by advancing our clocks
by one hour, we will lead happier, more productive lives. Thank you, Mr. President, for providing me an
extra hour each spring to reset the hundred or so clocks and timers in my
home, office, and vehicles. One more
hour, and I might remember how to reset my digital watch as well.
Even those of us who bought into the stories of an alien
weather balloon crashing in New Mexico, or that nonsense about Lance Armstrong
landing on the moon, are hard pressed to swallow the idea that advancing our
clocks by one hour will earn us an extra sixty minutes to work, play, or make
prank phone calls to the Department of Homeland Security. (“Do you have Prince Sultan in a can?” Or, “Is
that a warhead in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?”)
Newsflash: In search of this elusive 25th hour, NASA
scientists, using a sophisticated mathematical algorithm, were able to prove
that during Daylight Savings, there are still only twenty-four hours in a day!
Listen up, Washington DC: the progression of time is a fact
of nature. Irrespective of what the
clock indicates, even a television meteorologist knows the per diem
amount of sunlight remains relatively consistent during any given month of any
given year. End of debate.
Still not convinced? One
need only look to the behavior of your own children to see that messing with
time runs contrary to the laws of nature.
Except for those parts altered by the consumption of
genetically modified corn, young children are more-or-less creatures of nature.
As such, they are not roused into daily
consciousness by the ticking of a clock, but instead by their own Cicadian
rhythms – that primordial force within which causes them to rise from their beds
and demand food.
Following this logic, I always assumed the sun had far more
to do with society’s productivity than the time of day.
Vampires and teenagers notwithstanding, I have observed when
the sun comes up, most folks tend to rouse into consciousness. Conversely, when the sun sets, we begin yawn
and feel sleepy. On dark, cloudy days, it’s
tough to get out of bed. On bright sunny
days, we often wake with the birds.
Speaking of birds, the digital alarm on my nightstand faces
a window. Never have I observed a single
avian species perched on my windowsill attempting to see whether it was time to
commence their bird-like activities.
Bluejay: “Is it time to crap on that dude’s car?”
Robin: “Let me check my fake Rolex.”
Bluejay: “Well? What’s
it say?”
Robin: “No clue. I can’t
tell time.”
Nor do the other sundry creatures which roam our neighborhood
appear sensitive to the hour. I expect this would hold true even if we set our
clocks ahead by ten hours.
But if DST is considered so absurd by the scientific
community, and likewise contrary to natural law, why do we continue to observe
it?
It seems the origins of Daylight Savings Time can be traced
to an ill-conceived political response to growing pressure on the agricultural
industry to provide food to America’s booming post-World War II population.
It was believed at the time that providing more sunlight at
the end of the day during growing season would allow farmers to find their way
home from their favorite taverns before dark, thus preventing countless implement
related amputations. Nowadays, with the bulk of our agricultural production outsourced
to China, this once revolutionary initiative appears to have outlived its
usefulness.
The state of Indiana, a long-time holdout in the DST battle,
had for decades refused to join with the rest of the country in observing
Daylight Savings. As a result, Hoosiers
(a French term meaning “Gesundheit”) kept their clocks permanently set to noon
Eastern because, according to Indiana Department of Agriculture spokesman Terry
Haute, “The cows need milkin’ when they need a milkin’ and the corn don’t grow
no faster.”
In a dark day for sanity, Indiana eventually passed legislation
to honor Daylight Savings. The motion
carried by a narrow margin, barely defeating a bill proposed by Indiana’s large
Amish community which would have abolished time altogether and made possession
of any mechanical timepiece other than a sundial illegal.
What’s more, our constant meddling with the time-space
continuum does little to bolster our reputation with the rest of the developed world. Europeans are sitting back right now,
laughing at our arrogant disregard for the laws of the physical universe,
mocking us for believing that by merely passing a proclamation, we can cause
today to become one hour longer than the day before.
“Basil, have you any idea what the time is across the pond?”
“Really, Reginald. What
with their willy-nilly clock fiddling, it’s anybody’s guess.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
[Yawn.] “Pass the sheep
intestines.”
Truly, this biannual attempt at chronological alchemy is
tantamount to reordering the periodic table of elements, rearranging the points
on a compass, or requiring politicians to tell the truth.
Fact: the stuff inside your Aquafina bottle will still have
two hydrogen something-or-others to every oxygen thingamajig whether or not we
arbitrarily alter its atomic number from H20 to UB40. Likewise, swapping the “W” for the “N” on your
compass will no more cause the needle to point in a direction other than north
than it will water to run uphill.
Of course logic and common sense have never been a priority
in America. Just ask those first plucky
individuals who climbed aboard boats the size of modern day sofas, and after
washing ashore at Plymouth Rock, gazed out upon the wild, untamed landscape,
lousy with dangerous creatures and Indians, and set about to invent the
International Dateline.
In a nutshell, meditation is a “training of the mind” which has been practiced
by individuals and certain religions for centuries with the goal of promoting
relaxation, concentration, and building internal energy. Even today, however, meditation tends to be
misunderstood as some sort of weird mind-control hocus pocus used by hippies
and yogis, when in fact it is nothing more than a collection of techniques and
tools used to quiet the mind and increase one’s focus. 
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