2015 Layne Family Christmas Letter

It is once again that festive time of year when we gather around the Christmas tree, raise our steaming mugs of mulled wine, and join together singing Negro spirituals.

Sadly, the Laynes have dedicated 2015 to proving themselves the most boring family on Earth, resulting in perhaps the dullest edition of this tome ever.  You’d think they could at least count on Taffy to get skunked or eaten by a coyote, but alas, no.  If they don’t step up their game in 2016, their humdrum existence and inability to do anything even remotely interesting or humorous may spell the end of this annual treatise to the foibles of family hood.

Amanda's sophomore year is proving no more kind in terms of homework or her social discomfort.  She finds high school girls a disingenuous gaggle of despicable , backstabbing, self-absorbed narcissists concerned only with their own Snapchat stories, and the school itself a fetid petri dish of virulent disease.  So far, she has fought the urge to follow fully in Howard Hughes footsteps, stopping short of refusing to trim her fingernails or engaging in profligate substance abuse.  Karen and Mark hope the bio-containment suit they bought her for Xmas fits.

The victim of successive concussions during her freshman soccer season, Amanda is the only student in her driver’s education class who wears a crash helmet and balaclava – not because she is reckless, but in case some old woman on a mobility scooter races past and runs her off the road.  For Thanksgiving, Amanda traveled to Colorado with some friends to visit a former classmate who moved there to flee religious persecution and partake in the many medicinal benefits of cannabis.  It was nice to have only one child at home to complain during the holidays.  Karen and Mark are already planning her summer-long trip to Sri Lanka.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, Leslie and Jayson ventured north to join us once again.  Jayson continues to grow at such a violent pace that he will soon overtake Texas as the second largest state in the union.  Leslie has been forced to special order his shoes from a shipbuilder in Newport News, VA.

Speaking of shoes, Allyson was placed under a special order of protection by the FBI when they discovered radical Islamic terrorists wanted to use her feet to develop a deadly neuro toxin.  It all started when Karen’s car was impounded by Homeland Security after Ally left her softball cleats in back overnight, causing the morning car pool passengers to become nauseated and disoriented.

Fortunately, Ally and Amanda are getting along better – on alternate Tuesdays.  Having grown tired of listening to Amanda bemoan her disease du jour, Ally has generously extended an open invitation to escort Amanda to the “dying hole.”

For Spring Break, the clan endured the 6.2 million mile car ride to Sanibel, FL, for the annual Bald Guys Gone Wild festivities.  After driving for sixteen days, they arrived at the quaint island paradise populated primarily by bicycle-wielding octogenarians.  Tragedy was narrowly averted when Karen veered off the bike path and tumbled into a Mangrove swamp, almost losing the tomato she just purchased at the local market for $17.95.  Fortunately, she protected the rented bike from serious damage, using her body to cushion its fall.  Though badly bruised and humiliated, her security deposit was returned in full.

Speaking of the beach, Mark continues to gradually disintegrate like a sand castle at high tide.  Owing to his once beloved University of Illinois’ steadfast dedication to bolstering its reputation as the bellwether for malfeasance and mismanagement in higher education, Mark has traded his Bachelor’s degree for a certificate of completion from the Pivot Point School of Beauty and Cosmetology.  He’s offering a special on French manicures during the month of January.  Book your appointments now.

As J.B. Priestly said of Christmas, “Something in me resists the calendar expectation of happiness.”

Nevertheless, Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,

Karen, Mark, Amanda, Ally, and Taffy      

Illinois (Dis)Loyalty

Amidst the clumsy handling of Tim Beckman's long overdue entry into the annals of Illinois football mediocrity, the University of Illinois finds itself embroiled in yet another scandal serving to tarnish the reputation of my once proud Alma Mater.

With this in mind, I am sponsoring a contest to re-write Illinois Loyalty to more befit the University's current laughing stock stature.  The top three entries (selected by me) will receive one of my old U of I T-shits, size large, that I am now too ashamed to wear.  Submit by using the contact form at www.workingwordsproductions.com.

My attempt is below:


We’re embarrassed for you, Illinois

You haven’t a clue, Illinois.

You’ve tested our pride,

The alumni will hide,

We’ve abandoned your side, Illinois.

Ha, ha.

So pack up your ball, Illinois

Prepare for a fall, Illinois

Our spirit is broke

Your reputation’s a joke

We can’t stop laughing at you, Illinois

Hee-hee, hee-ha, hee-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, Illini, oh!

Hee-hee, hee-ha, hee-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, Illini, oh!

Illinois, Illinois, Illinois

Throw out that spirit wear of

Orange and Blue

Have all your sons and daughters

Enroll at Purdue

Wave goodbye to tradition

Enter sedition, won’t pay your tuition

 

Ouchy-ow-ow!

 

Amid the scandals yearly

Rocking our land

For graft and exploitation

You proudly stand

Our loyalty has sadly reached an end

Dear Alma Mater, Illinois

See Ya Sioux

GRAND FORKS, ND – Exercising its obligation to safeguard the moral fiber of America under authority granted to it by Congress and the US Constitution, the NCAA took another important step toward erasing the scourge of this nation’s ugly Native American past by making it illegal for University of North Dakota athletic teams, cheerleaders, and bands to wear or display the school's American Indianhead logo and Fighting Sioux nickname.


Inlaid Marble Floor, Ralph Engelstad Arena
Photo by Bill Alkofer

In his letter to UND provost Paul LeBel, NCAA executive vice president, Bernard “Ben” Franklin, stated that should the university refuse to cooperate in what is the NCAA’s latest round of "ethnic cleansing," they must forfeit participation in all post-season tournament play or otherwise risk having their upcoming men's and women's hockey games moved to a cattle pond on the Yankton reservation and their home venue, the Ralph Engelstad Arena, turned into an auto mall.

It was under this same pretext that in 2005, the NCAA forced the University of Illinois to retire the name, regalia, and image of Chief Illiniwek, a student mascot who performed a Native American “fancy dance” during the halftime of men’s home varsity football and basketball games wearing traditional Oglala Sioux ceremonial dress.

Although most University of Illinois students, faculty, and alumni considered The Chief a proud tradition, respectful of the State’s Native American heritage, certain Native American groups found the symbol to be “predominantly offensive and deeply disparaging to Native Americans.” According to a spokesperson for the National Indian Education Association, it was high time this dramatic and dignified depiction of Native American culture was eliminated so as to “stomp out any remaining public memory of the Illiniwek people,” a consortium of Algonquin tribes who once thrived in the central Midwest.

Percy Stumbling Bull, general manager of the Spirit Lake Casino in Devils Lake, ND, believes the recent NCAA directive leveled at the University of North Dakota is crucial in his people’s goal to shield all aspects of Native American culture from the prying eyes of white society.

“Current generations of whites don’t realize their ancestors essentially stole North America from indigenous peoples,” said Bull. “As such, it has been our ongoing policy to attempt to erase our historical legacy from the modern world, thereby honoring our ancestors by protecting their obscurity – at least until such time as gambling revenues allow us to buy back the territory we lost in the Louisiana Purchase.”

Honorary University of North Dakota professor and legendary 1960’s rocker, Burton Cummings, explained it is the belief of many Native Americans that by further isolating themselves from mainstream society, they might one day hope to overcome the misunderstanding and mistrust that plunged their people into decades of destitution, impoverishment, and substance abuse dating back to the arrival of white settlers from Europe.

Said Cummings, “American woman, mama let me be.”

In the wake of the NCAA decision, a group of outraged students petitioned the University of North Dakota board of governors to consider changing the school’s moniker to, “A Team Named Sue.”

Photo by Bill Alkofer

The NCAA acted immediately by making it illegal to speak the name ”Sue” in public lest it be misconstrued as “Sioux” by college sports fans. Based on these same concerns, NCAA attorneys have proposed landmark legislation to ban US citizens from naming their unborn infants “Sue” or “Susan.”

UND is now said to be considering such alternate mascot names as the “Angry Aboriginals” and the “Not So Pleasant Potato Farmers.”

The university is also grappling with funding the multi-million dollar task of eliminating the Indianhead imagery from campus venues, official media, and football players’ biceps.

In the wake of the recent NCAA directives, other universities are considering proactive changes to their identities. The Florida State Seminoles, for instance, will now be the FSU Felons, and the Arkansas State University Indians will become the Rednecks. Although unrelated to Native American iconography, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks (referred to by their fans as the “Cocks”) will be making the switch to the Penises, while the Oregon State Beavers will transition to the Naughty Female Body Parts.

According to Franklin, most US universities have nothing to worry about, such as the University of Hawaii’s Rainbows which already fits the NCAA's vision of proper symbolism. The mascots from Georgetown University and Indiana University will remain intact only because nobody knows what Hoyas or Hoosiers are. The State of Indiana, however, will be forced to change its name to Nativeamericana.

In March 2011, the North Dakota Legislature approved a law requiring the university to continue using its logo and nickname despite the threat of NCAA sanctions. The Legislature later repealed the pro-nickname law when the NCAA declined to exempt UND from its policy against the use of American Indian nicknames and logos.

Nickname backers then responded by filing petitions demanding a June vote to decide whether UND should keep the nickname and logo, or instead move the university across the border into Canada where folks aren’t so uptight.



© 2012, Working Words Productions