Sunday, December 20, 2020

2020 Layne Family Christmas Letter

2020 can be pretty much summed up in one word – WTF.

January kicked off with Mark and Amanda coming down with an odd respiratory infection bearing a number of what are now internationally famous symptoms.  The rest of the family remained healthy, and other than coughs which persisted a month, neither felt that bad, and both are currently alive.

It took until late February for the media to give Mark and Amanda’s disease a name, thus imbuing it with a conscious malevolence many believe is worse than the disease itself.  It wasn’t until March, however, that Governor Pritzker (aka Fat Bastard) placed everyone in Illinois on house arrest, inciting riots in the paper products aisle at Walmart.

Faced with long term incarceration, we found ourselves with a surfeit of uncommitted time, forcing us to find creative ways to fill the gaping hole left in our lives by our sudden inability to go out to eat, to school, graduations, the grocery store, weddings, church, the gym, movies, vacations, live sporting events, family gatherings, bear hunting, and just about every other thing that makes life tolerable. 

Although unsettling at first, it turns out we rather enjoyed the opportunity to slow our pace, hunker down, and get reacquainted as a family.  We spent much quality time cooking, playing games, taking walks, and watching Rosanne.  Truth be told, it was terrific experience.  For about two weeks, after which we were at each other’s throats like a pack of starved hyenas trapped in a Buick.  M & K are convinced the only thing that prevented an all-out civil war was the dogs’ antics which lightened the mood sufficiently to keep everyone’s mitts out of the knife drawer.

Earlier in the year and quite by accident, we became the custodians of a small white animal that we were told is a dog, but more resembles an overripe turnip.  Clueless as oatmeal, Sparky (also known as Spewy, Stinky, Lumpy, Spongefoot, Turd, and Nancy) was likely the product of a puppy mill as is evidenced by his pronounced abandonment issues and inability to differentiate between his human caregivers and furniture.


Blessed with useless eyes, inadequate ground clearance, and a brain the size of a Milk Dud, Sparky attached himself to Karen like a lamprey to a Coho.  Against Mark’s protests, Sparky was elevated to a permanent member of the family, both to give Maggie something alive to attack, and to protect us from our fence, the neighbor’s bird bath, Mark, and the other inanimate objects at which he constantly barks.  Owing to their compassion for the mentally and physically challenged, the Layne females adore Sparky.  Mark, conversely, finds him repulsive and irritating, not only because he Insists on being carried around like a breastfeeding infant, but when he isn’t rolling in excrement, he’s wandering about the yard randomly dropping his body weight in turds, thus prompting Mark to nickname him The Traveling Turdinator or Turdinator for short.  It is Mark’s hope that during one of their incessant play fights, Maggie will eat him. 

In response to the governor’s mandate to stay home and avoid visiting dangerous “hot states” which at the time included most of those south of Indiana, the family embarked upon a summer tour of AL, TN, SC, GA, IN, so Ally could see firsthand what a college campus might look like after nuclear holocaust.  It was a terrific opportunity for her to exercise her creativity by imagining the vacant buildings and deserted quads teeming with life.

After a mid-summer taste of liberation, the gov enacted a new initiative to avoid burdening the state’s economy with any sort of productivity by re-imposing "voluntary" confinement in the fall.  Part of his scheme to bolster the spirits of his constituents included pulling the plug on fall high school sports, thereby limiting our autumn entertainment options to televised replays of Olympics dressage competitions and political mudslinging.  Not so in Alabama, however, where freedom still rings, and Jayson was able to make his gridiron debut at left OT for the Spain Park Angry Antelopes (or is it Jaguars?)  We all knew hiding inside those BB trunks and tank top was the heart of a football player. Thanks to NFHS Network, we were able to watch him dominate his position despite bone spurs in his ankle, plantar fasciitis in both feet, and a color-blind quarterback. 

Notwithstanding her debilitating angst over which major to pursue, whether she made a mistake attending Illinois State, if she would ever find a job and become a productive member of society, and which shoes to wear on Wednesdays, Amanda landed herself a paid internship with the ISU marketing department and has excelled in her studies.  In spite of taking a semester off to explore the rich heritage and varied culture of Addison, IL, Amanda informed us she will be graduating this May, a full year ahead of schedule and absent any student loans, thereby cheating K & M out of paying another year’s rent for an apartment she visited twice.  Given all her good fortune, it seems Amanda’s main worry now is running out of things to worry about.

Apparently two kids attending school online at home – one in the kitchen and one in the dining room – a husband working in the office upstairs, and two dogs chasing each other around the house all day was the perfect incentive for Karen to accept a new job managing the office for a nearby charitable organization providing meals to seniors.  She now spends her days socially distancing from a cast of characters who make the staff of Dunder Mifflin look like a Harvard class reunion.   

Unencumbered by softball, classroom attendance, or anything resembling “normal” to a high school senior, Ally has rivaled her sister by landing at the top of the Nazareth Academy GPA heap. The scholarship offers continue to roll in, not as we might have expected for softball, but for her grades.  Her short list currently includes three schools in IA, one each in IL, WI, MI, KS, and TN, and all of them in Hawaii.  We look forward to attending her virtual softball games and online graduation this spring.

November marked 21 years of M & K listening to Amanda complain.  It had long been Amanda’s dream to celebrate her 21st birthday at Harry Potter World.  Amidst financial and travel related concerns, we opted instead for Wisconsin – which is a lot like Harry Potter World minus the attractions, magic shops, and medieval weirdos.  Karen, Mark, and Ally did their best to transform the condo where they stayed into a mini-Hogwarts, featuring a life size cardboard cutout of Harry, Hermione, and Ron which now resides in Ally’s room and still frightens us whenever we walk past.  Ally was disappointed we couldn’t find Amanda a real dragon or a working wand she could use to turn her sister into a Grindylow.

So as you stagger, limp, or crawl across the finish of line the year that wasn’t, looking ahead toward a more positive, enlightened 2021, let us recall the sage advice of George Bernard Shaw who said, “When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points, or it would be impossible to endure them.”

Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,

Karen, Mark, Amanda, Ally, Maggie, and Spewy



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