Japan Braces As New Threat Looms

Scant weeks since the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear facility was slammed by a mammoth tsunami resulting in a deadly release of radiation, Japan now nervously awaits an even more ominous peril which could threaten the very existence of the beleaguered island nation.

In what Chief Cabinet Secretary Yukio Edano regards as “a likely realization of Japan’s greatest collective fear,” Kyodo News reported yesterday that all merchant Japanese fishing vessels were ordered to be on the lookout for a “giant mutant dinosaur with rough, bumpy, charcoal-gray scales, a long powerful tail, and jagged dorsal fins” emerging from the sea near the site of the damaged reactors.

In a national televised address, Prime Minister Naoto Kan stated, “As a nation we have long feared a natural disaster of this magnitude would one day wake our slumbering nemesis.”

The nemesis to which the Prime Minister refers is Godzilla – a legendary creature similar in appearance to a Tyrannosaurus Rex of the Paleozoic Period, but ten stories tall and able to incinerate people and objects with its radioactive “fire breath.”

A hideous consequence of the US bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Godzilla is a mutation of a native species of Asian Iguana which has returned to wreak havoc upon the Japanese mainland several times throughout post WWII history.

Buried under tons of rock in the Pacific Ocean and presumed dead, it has been decades since the people of Japan faced annihilation at the albeit tiny hands of this abomination of nature.

Just the same, the Japanese people remain wary of Godzilla’s possible reappearance given the magnitude of the March 11 earthquake and the high levels of radiation in the ocean surrounding the crippled nuclear facility.

“It is not a matter of if, but when,” commented Tokyo resident David Hirohito.

“At this point, we cannot rule anything out,” agreed Secretary Edano. “Godzilla is known to be quite fierce and resilient.”

His Imperial Majesty Emperor Akihito has called upon the international community to send financial aid amid concerns of what many Japanese citizens consider an imminent attack.

“Seriously?” said Marcia McNutt, current Director of USGS. “They suffer an unprecedented seismic event, their country lies in ruins, radiation is leaking into the groundwater and ocean, their food supply is contaminated, and they’re worried about some overgrown lizard? Somebody shoot me.”

Though the creature has not been spotted to date, the Japanese military is bracing for the worst. Key port cities have been fortified – especially Tokyo which has been a favored target of the creature.

Sadly, the extensive military deployment has done little to bolster the spirits of the Japanese people.

“Conventional weaponry has no effect, and nuclear arms only make him stronger,” claimed Godzilla expert, Ishirō Honda. “If he returns, may the gods help us.”

With their options few and disaster relief operations stretched to breaking, the Japanese government has called to arms the most deadly and dangerous weapon in their post-war military arsenal.

Earlier today, Prime Minister Kan consulted with the shōbijin (Japanese for "small beauties") – two tiny fairies who have the ability to summon Mothra, a giant lepidopteron who has been known to get the better of Godzilla in past confrontations. 

Out of work for decades and woefully overweight, the shōbijin were found living in a tattered shoebox under a trash bin in Tokyo’s red-light district, cheating tourists at Chō-Han Bakuchi.

After exacting a hefty fee from the Japanese government, the shōbijin’s shrill entreaty was sung over radio stations and on public address systems throughout Japan in the hopes Mothra would appear to oppose Godzilla’s return.

“Now we wait,” said Secretary Edano, scanning the western sky. “Now we wait.”

Should the efforts of Mothra fail, Prime Minister Kan plans to seek the aid of a giant mutant simian from Skull Island in the Pacific. Obnoxious film actor Jack Black has been contacted to lead the expedition.