Lohan to Serve Time

During her plea hearing over a felony theft charge for allegedly stealing a necklace from a Venice jewelry store, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz said he will personally see to it that scofflaw Lindsay Lohan serves time – as a US Congresswoman.

“Miss Lohan’s utter disregard for the law, coupled with her antisocial, self-destructive behaviors, make her a perfect fit for the US Congress,” said Schwartz during a post-hearing press conference.

In a plea bargain that would spare Lohan jail time, but force her into a life of public service more fitting her reputation and proclivities, Schwartz was left with little choice.

The plea requires Lohan to run for public office at the next available opportunity. The one caveat Judge Schwartz placed upon Lohan’s sentence was she could not represent the state of California.

“The people of the state of California have had just about enough of celebrity politicians,” Schwartz commented.

Under Schwartz’s ruling, Lohan will be remanded into the custody of Federal Marshals who will then select the state that most deserves her.

Schwartz went on to suggest a good fit might be someplace where blind celebrity worship is still fashionable such as Iowa, North Dakota, or perhaps Alaska.

E Entertainment gadfly Ted Casablanca agrees that jail wouldn’t have helped the out-of-control child star.

“She’s been to jail before. For a person with no interest in reform and given her failed attempts at rehab, politics – especially on the national stage – is the only place left for her to go.”

Sources close to the beleaguered actress said, that after living so many years under legal scrutiny, she was looking forward to finally being “above the law.” Lohan also expressed excitement over the prospect of making new laws of her own.

Some initiatives she is reportedly considering include raising the legal blood alcohol level to 0.40, making retail theft up to $10,000 punishable by a tearful televised apology, and blogging for world peace.

Lohan’s attorney, Shawn Holley, was visibly upset over the numerous leaks to the media during the plea bargaining process.


"Thankfully, this case doesn't involve military secrets where people's lives are at stake," she said. “Of course as a congresswoman privy to state secrets and matters of national security, that might change once she’s in office.”

Lohan, who was meeting with her newly hired campaign manager, Charlie Sheen, at Sheen’s private Malibu residence could not be reached for comment.