Libyan Madman Detained in US

New York - In a shocking revelation, the New York Times reports that beleaguered Libyan strongman, Moammar Gadhafi, is not only living comfortably in the US, but served as 55th governor of New York from 2008 to 2010.

In addition to charges of obstruction of justice, illegally acquiring World Series tickets, and his alleged involvement in a sex scandal, it would seem that former New York Governor David Paterson was not at all who he claimed to be.

“It’s really quite embarrassing,” said Josh Vlasto, current New York Governor Andrew M. Cuomo’s spokesperson. “We all noticed the similarities, but never guessed the former governor was actually a maniacal Libyan despot.”

Apparently, Paterson’s (aka Gadhafi’s) publicized indiscretions were only the tip of the iceberg.

Subsequent to release of the New York Times story, TMZ has discovered that Gadhafi has enjoyed a decadent, playboy lifestyle since arriving in the US.

With Libya’s vast oil wealth at his disposal, Gadhafi reportedly purchased a sprawling, multimillion dollar estate in the Hamptons next door to infamous radio host Howard Stern. Replete with a harem of high priced NY call girls, a stable of fancy cars, and all the Miller High Life he cared to drink, Gadhafi is said to have held week-long parties that make Charlie Sheen look like a Boy Scout.

FBI Director Robert Mueller, now better understands the absence of typical stress indicators during their analysis of Gadhafi’s recent taped addresses as commander-in-chief of his armed forces.

“Of course he was relaxed,” Mueller quipped. “I’d be relaxed too if I was over 4,000 miles from the battlefront.”

The puzzle began to take shape after rebel forces captured Gadhafi’s palace compound in Tripoli, and were surprised to find it empty. The rebel leader was informed by a palace servant that that Gadhafi hadn’t been there in years, having left Libya for the US over half a decade prior.

The non-profit State Government Affairs Council indicated this is first time a non-US citizen has held a high elected office.

“The New York governor’s office is shocked and disheartened that this somehow slipped through the cracks,” said Vlasto. “We hope it won’t happen again.”

Cuomo himself was outraged. “It’s simply wrong that security screenings at LaGuardia should be more rigorous than the vetting of candidates running for election to the highest office in the state. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been cavity searched before a twenty minute flight to DC, yet here’s this ruthless dictator living like a king right under our highly prominent noses.”

Prior to being detained by the FBI, Gadhafi was spotted at a popular NY night club with a beautiful woman on each arm, and earlier at a taping of the David Letterman Show.

Upon his arrest outside a Sag Harbor Starbucks, Gadhafi became enraged, shouting, “My bitches! I must get back to my bitches!”

Gadhafi will be deported and remanded into the custody of the provisional Libyan government to await trial for crimes against the Libyan people. His fate, as well as that of his “bitches,” remains unclear.

Lohan to Serve Time

During her plea hearing over a felony theft charge for allegedly stealing a necklace from a Venice jewelry store, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz said he will personally see to it that scofflaw Lindsay Lohan serves time – as a US Congresswoman.

“Miss Lohan’s utter disregard for the law, coupled with her antisocial, self-destructive behaviors, make her a perfect fit for the US Congress,” said Schwartz during a post-hearing press conference.

In a plea bargain that would spare Lohan jail time, but force her into a life of public service more fitting her reputation and proclivities, Schwartz was left with little choice.

The plea requires Lohan to run for public office at the next available opportunity. The one caveat Judge Schwartz placed upon Lohan’s sentence was she could not represent the state of California.

“The people of the state of California have had just about enough of celebrity politicians,” Schwartz commented.

Under Schwartz’s ruling, Lohan will be remanded into the custody of Federal Marshals who will then select the state that most deserves her.

Schwartz went on to suggest a good fit might be someplace where blind celebrity worship is still fashionable such as Iowa, North Dakota, or perhaps Alaska.

E Entertainment gadfly Ted Casablanca agrees that jail wouldn’t have helped the out-of-control child star.

“She’s been to jail before. For a person with no interest in reform and given her failed attempts at rehab, politics – especially on the national stage – is the only place left for her to go.”

Sources close to the beleaguered actress said, that after living so many years under legal scrutiny, she was looking forward to finally being “above the law.” Lohan also expressed excitement over the prospect of making new laws of her own.

Some initiatives she is reportedly considering include raising the legal blood alcohol level to 0.40, making retail theft up to $10,000 punishable by a tearful televised apology, and blogging for world peace.

Lohan’s attorney, Shawn Holley, was visibly upset over the numerous leaks to the media during the plea bargaining process.


"Thankfully, this case doesn't involve military secrets where people's lives are at stake," she said. “Of course as a congresswoman privy to state secrets and matters of national security, that might change once she’s in office.”

Lohan, who was meeting with her newly hired campaign manager, Charlie Sheen, at Sheen’s private Malibu residence could not be reached for comment.