Ten Characteristics of Higly Successful People

1. Competitive
   Everyone has heard the axiom, “There’s plenty for everyone.” Likewise, most are familiar with the concept of the “win-win” scenario. Successful persons recognize such platitudes as hogwash – false assumptions of the weak-minded and spineless. The successful learned long ago that only by keeping down the “have nots” can they be assured of always having more than they possibly need or could ever hope to use for themselves.
2. Ostentatious
   Back in the 80’s, before the advent of “personal shoppers” and the “luxury tax,” success was its own reward. In modern times, however, the only good reason for becoming successful is to rub it in the faces of those who aren’t. This is why successful people live by the credos, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it,” and “The bigger, the better.” This is also why the successful spend a substantial portion of their “disposable” income on unnecessary, extravagant items they do not need nor have any intention of ever using such as gems they keep permanently locked in bank vaults, helicopters to decorate the backs of a yachts they’re thinking about purchasing, and islands they've never visited. Go ahead – order an extra slab of prime rib and feed it to the dog. You can afford it!
3. Arrogant
   Successful people don’t think they’re better than everyone else, they are better than everyone else. As a result, the successful are wont to offer their opinions to any and all who will listen, and even to those who won’t. Likewise, it is the civil duty of the truly successful to remind the less fortunate just how bad they have it, thereby serving as a source of inspiration to the unwashed masses while simultaneously reinforcing life’s pecking order.
4. Alcoholic
   It has often been said that the true measure of a man’s success is how well his bar is stocked. Being successful produces a great deal of stress, and the way successful people deal with stress is by drinking—plain and simple.
5. Heart-Unhealthy
   Everyone knows that when you’re busy being successful, there isn’t time to eat properly. This is why truly successful people subsist mainly on a diet of high fat, high cholesterol foods with minimal nutritional value like those available at our country’s fine selection of fast food franchises, shopping mall kiosks, and convenience store vending machines.
6. Opinionated
   When a successful person is presented an opportunity to share his or her knowledge on a subject, he or she sees it not so much as an occasion to engage in colorful discourse with his fellow man, but more of a chance to enlighten an uninformed, largely ignorant rabble of cretins and boors. In fact, a mark of true success is the ability to adopt an indefensible stance on a subject you know nothing about, and then defend that position to the death, even when the facts prove you wholly incorrect.
7. Square-Eyed
   We live in a society where information is king. Since television is the only readily available and truly reliable source of information on almost every subject, most successful people spend upwards of eight hours per day glued to their TV’s.
8. Indifferent
   Because they want for nothing, successful people tend to find life extremely boring. As a result, they are not ashamed to yawn brazenly during the middle of a conversation they find tedious, or to abruptly leave a dinner party after the soup, but before the salad, with no explanation. It is this same refined quality that allows the successful to walk blissfully past an injured animal or drowning child without notice or care.
9. Vain
   Successful people realize that in this world, appearance is everything. Studies have shown that attractive, well groomed persons of professional manner and dress are almost guaranteed success in life. Conversely, fat, ugly people with public educations have little chance of becoming anything more than counter workers at fast food restaurants or ditch diggers, and should probably just kill themselves rather than living in certain misery and desperation while simultaneously giving the beautiful people of this world indigestion from having to look at them.
10. Ruthless
    Successful people don’t get to where they are by considering the feelings of others. They learn early on in life that being successful means looking out for one’s own best interests, even if at the expense of another’s success, dignity, or personal well being. When the chips are down and the ship is sinking at the bow, the successful gentleman casts his pride aside, hikes up his skirt, and climbs aboard the lifeboat whether his heels match his handbag or not.

© 2004 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.