Floats Like a Butterfly, Stings Like a Giant Hornet

I don’t know about you, but the most disturbing news I’ve heard recently – other than that Kanye and Kim have reproduced – concerns the attack of the giant Asian hornets.

 

As reported last December by Michael Caldwell in The Allegiant, these cartoonishly large insects, which can grow to the size of Air Force One, have recently attacked over 1,600 people in the Shaanxi province of China, resulting in 41 confirmed deaths. 
 

The Asian Giant Hornet, or vespa mandarinia, is the largest species of wasp in the world.  Known for their aggression, they prey mostly on honeybees, but also eat wasps and other hornets, Praying Mantises (or is it Manti?), and beetles, typically of the Volkswagen variety.  These formidable creatures can grow to be two inches long, thick as a human thumb, and feature a wide orange-yellow head, large eyes, and distinct yellow-orange/brownish-black bands on its body.

 

Though indigenous to Eastern Asia, they are most commonly found in the mountains of Japan – the very same mountains which brought us the likes of Godzilla, Rodan, Gamera, and the Sobijin -- twin fairies whose shrill song not only summoned Mothra, but inspired Yoko Ono to record her own cat-like voice.

Unlike the poorly dubbed Japanese horror films of the 1950’s, however, these monsters are real. 
 

Armed with a stinger the size of a javelin, Asian Giant Hornet venom packs a complex punch featuring eight different chemicals which can cause breathing complications, skin degeneration, and anaphylaxis, not to mention full body paralysis just from seeing one fly past. As an added bonus, their venom is laced with pheromones which incite the rest of the colony to attack and sting the same victim multiple times.

Does it hurt?  Depends if you consider the sensation of a red-hot eight-penny finishing nail piercing your flesh painful.  And while the pain from the sting of a yellow jacket last about four minutes, the pain of an Asian Giant Hornet sting last about four hours and is often accompanied by intense swelling and never ending nightmares.

No worries.  See one coming, and you’ll just run away, right?

Think again.

Though not nearly as fast as the other Super Hornet – that being the F/A-18 carrier-based tactical fighter employed by the US Navy – these equally lethal war birds can achieve an astounding top speed of 25 mph and have been known to travel 60 miles in pursuit of prey. So unless you’re Usain Bolt, better come up with another plan.

Amazingly, the Asian Giant Hornet is considered a delicacy in many Asian cultures, proving once and for all that the term “delicacy” is contextual, and that people deprived of McDonald’s will eat just about anything.  As a result of hungry hordes of Asians streaming out into the jungles in search of this gruesome and deadly snack, the hornets have migrated into more populous areas, adapting themselves to urban life. Thanks a lot, hungry Asians!

If you’re like me, you’re probably asking yourself, “But why should I worry about some mutant insect killing folks halfway around the world?”  Because as recent as July, 2012, at least one of these deadly invaders was spotted in Arlington Heights, Illinois, with additional sightings in 19 other US states.  Nineteen!  We’re talking nearly half of the contiguous 48! 

The Midwest is renowned as a bastion of the ordinary, commonplace, and dull – not some modern day Mysterious Island.  And while these hornets are not the first menace sent by Asia to plague my native state of Illinois, they are certainly the most terrifying. 

I remember when our biggest worry around here was Zebra Mussels clogging the water intakes of our nuclear power plants.  Then came their Asian long-horned beetles which preyed upon and eventually decimated our Ash tree population. 

 

And though I don’t recall reading of Asian Carp leaping from the water and latching onto the throats of passersby, they do seem to be giving the folks at our Department of Natural Resources headaches.  These hornets, however, can not only fly, but seem to hate humans, attacking in swarms with the relentlessness of a personal injury attorney.

They say Asia will one day rule the world.  Is this how it happens?  Wearing down our national resolve one debilitating pestilence at a time?

The only good news to come out of the article is that destruction of the hornet’s natural habitat by humans may result in their extinction. Thank goodness!  This is one Asian export that needs to be returned to sender.  As Winston Churchill stated, “…we shall fight on the beaches… we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills…”

I, for one, intend to be prepared.  Look for me in my yard next summer.  I'll be the guy mowing the lawn in a beekeeper's suit holding a flamethrower.