2012 Layne Family Christmas Letter



Ah, Christmas – that wondrous time of year when we take time from our busy lives to reflect upon Christmases past and all the care and thoughtful planning that went into selecting the perfect gifts for the kids, only to be trumped by whatever electronic gadgets they got from grandma and grandpa.  This year, Karen and Mark hope the girls enjoy their shoelaces and toothbrushes.

In spring, Allyson channeled her desire to club small round objects into a more socially acceptable outlet when she became the Babe Ruth of the Roselle Medinah Softball and Baseball Organization (minus the drinking and philandering).  Mark regrets he didn’t run more red lights on his way to the league championship game, having arrived in the warm afterglow of her grand slam.  Fortunately Karen was ready with the camcorder and thus managed to capture Ally’s swing, contact, plus a lot of frantic screaming and jerky video of the dirt behind home plate.

On the subject of traffic signals, Mark J. Layne & Associates forfeited most of its 2012 earnings to red light camera violations, thus prompting the firm’s hostile takeover in October when Mark was asked to step down as CEO because the board of directors (aka Karen) was tired of having him around the house all the time, messing up the bathrooms.  Mark has since joined the real estate department at Commonwealth Edison where he was tasked with, among other things, developing a new super breed of fighting monkey.  This being his first experience with cubicle life in twenty five years, Karen was glad he was issued a hardhat which she insists he wears at his desk, not only for protection when he nods off, but for the merciless teasing he receives from coworkers.  Karen has adjusted to Mark’s absence during the days by redoubling her shopping efforts and shifting the firm’s mission statement from real estate consulting to house cleaning.

Whereas Amanda continues to impress with her skills as a writer, Ally has developed a knack for photography, prompting her to ask Santa for a camera.  Mark & Karen were unaware that shaving and photographing cats was an up and coming niche in the field.  Mark explained to her that while this was an interesting choice of careers, it might be more practical to ask Santa for a quality pair of cat shears first.

Speaking of cats, Taffy has become a legendary skunk hunter.  Though she hasn’t caught one yet, she remains undeterred, emboldened by her new strategy to smell enough like the enemy that she’ll be able to sneak up unnoticed.

In an effort to escape the mayhem the Ryder Cup brought to town in September, M & K decided to bring the family down to Disney World.  (Motto: Experience the magic of your disappearing cash!)  By “M & K” we of course mean “K” in that “M” considers Disney a money devouring monster in the shape of a giant mouse whose sole objective is to separate him from his savings faster than the attraction he just waited in line over two hours to ride.  The generosity of Mark’s cousins and the fact that only Amanda got sick this time made the experience almost bearable compared to trips past.

Speak of the devil, on November 23rd, Amanda turned 13.  Refusing to admit she’s a teenager, at least she now has a reason for taking two hours to get dressed, showering before soccer practice, doing her hair before going to the pool, staying up so late she misses the bus, and changing her clothes more often than the cast in a Broadway musical.

At 5’6” and 225 lbs., our 9 year old nephew, Jayson, was the only high school player on his Pee Wee football team.  Despite Jay’s prodigiousness, his team lost every game this season owing to the new league rule which required him to play on his knees, blindfolded.

In other sporting news, owing to his legendary skill operating the scoreboard during his high school freshman “C” games, Mark was asked to be an assistant coach on Ally’s basketball team.  He hopes to teach the girls such useful skills as the slip shank, the eye poke, the reverse Lindy, and decoupage.

Speaking of eye-poking, in November Mark broke his left ring finger playing hockey.  Unfortunately, the referee was no less blind after Mark jabbed him than before.  Although the finger is healing fine, as Mark’s luck would have it, he emerged from surgery with a third left foot.

As the warmth of the season envelops us like a pestilential fever, let us recall that while Christmas is for children, “Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.”  [Ogden Nash]

Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,
Karen, Mark, Amanda, Ally, and Tabby… er, Taffy