Nothing rings in the holiday season quite like a hearty dose of offensive humor (provided by my friend, Jeff)...
Joke #1:
An ugly guy walks into a bar with a huge smile on his face.
The bartender asks, “What’s up? Why are you so happy?”
The ugly guy says, “I live down by the RR yard, and last night on my way home from the bar, I found a girl tied to the tracks.”
The bartender says, “No way! What did you do?”
The ugly guy says, “I untied her, brought her to back to my place, and…. SCHWING, we went at it all night long.”
“No kidding?” the bartender says. “Was she pretty?”
”Don’t know,” the ugly guy says. “Never did find her head.”
Joke #2:
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are all on the Titanic when it hits the iceberg. Over the loudspeaker, the captain announces the ship is sinking and orders the crew to lower the lifeboats.
In a panic, the teacher shouts, “The children! Save the children!”
The lawyer pushes his way toward a lifeboat and yells, “Screw the children!”
The priest says, “Do you think we have time?”
Joke #3:
Three old guys are in a urologist’s waiting room talking. The first old guy asks the second old guy why he’s there.
Second old guy: “Well – every morning at 7 AM, I have the urge to piss like a racehorse, but when I try to go, only a few dribbles come out.”
The third old guy nods. “I know just what you mean. Every morning at 7 AM, I feel like I need to take a massive dump, but when I sit down, I only pass gas.”
The second old guy looks back to the first old guy and asks, “So – what about you? Why are you here?”
The first old guy leans forward: “Every morning at 7 AM I piss like there’s no tomorrow, and then have a bowel movement that would put an elephant to shame.”
The third old guy frowns: “So what’s the problem?”
First old guy: “I don’t get up until 8.”
Joke #4:
Three rednecks and a gay guy are out driving around in the country after a night of partying. They turn down a farm road and see a sheep with its head caught in a fence. The driver slams on the brakes, backs up, aims the headlights at the sheep, and all three rednecks jump out of the car and take turns with the sheep.
When the last redneck is done, he turns to the gay guy and asks, “You up for a little of this action?”
The gay guy shrugs and says, “Sure. But only if you promise to get my head out of the fence when you’re done.”
An ugly guy walks into a bar with a huge smile on his face.
The bartender asks, “What’s up? Why are you so happy?”
The ugly guy says, “I live down by the RR yard, and last night on my way home from the bar, I found a girl tied to the tracks.”
The bartender says, “No way! What did you do?”
The ugly guy says, “I untied her, brought her to back to my place, and…. SCHWING, we went at it all night long.”
“No kidding?” the bartender says. “Was she pretty?”
”Don’t know,” the ugly guy says. “Never did find her head.”
Joke #2:
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are all on the Titanic when it hits the iceberg. Over the loudspeaker, the captain announces the ship is sinking and orders the crew to lower the lifeboats.
In a panic, the teacher shouts, “The children! Save the children!”
The lawyer pushes his way toward a lifeboat and yells, “Screw the children!”
The priest says, “Do you think we have time?”
Joke #3:
Three old guys are in a urologist’s waiting room talking. The first old guy asks the second old guy why he’s there.
Second old guy: “Well – every morning at 7 AM, I have the urge to piss like a racehorse, but when I try to go, only a few dribbles come out.”
The third old guy nods. “I know just what you mean. Every morning at 7 AM, I feel like I need to take a massive dump, but when I sit down, I only pass gas.”
The second old guy looks back to the first old guy and asks, “So – what about you? Why are you here?”
The first old guy leans forward: “Every morning at 7 AM I piss like there’s no tomorrow, and then have a bowel movement that would put an elephant to shame.”
The third old guy frowns: “So what’s the problem?”
First old guy: “I don’t get up until 8.”
Joke #4:
Three rednecks and a gay guy are out driving around in the country after a night of partying. They turn down a farm road and see a sheep with its head caught in a fence. The driver slams on the brakes, backs up, aims the headlights at the sheep, and all three rednecks jump out of the car and take turns with the sheep.
When the last redneck is done, he turns to the gay guy and asks, “You up for a little of this action?”
The gay guy shrugs and says, “Sure. But only if you promise to get my head out of the fence when you’re done.”
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