Tasteless Humor x 4

Nothing rings in the holiday season quite like a hearty dose of offensive humor (provided by my friend, Jeff)...

 

 

Joke #1:

An ugly guy walks into a bar with a huge smile on his face.

The bartender asks, “What’s up? Why are you so happy?”

The ugly guy says, “I live down by the RR yard, and last night on my way home from the bar, I found a girl tied to the tracks.”

The bartender says, “No way! What did you do?”

The ugly guy says, “I untied her, brought her to back to my place, and…. SCHWING, we went at it all night long.”

“No kidding?” the bartender says. “Was she pretty?”

”Don’t know,” the ugly guy says. “Never did find her head.”



Joke #2:

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are all on the Titanic when it hits the iceberg. Over the loudspeaker, the captain announces the ship is sinking and orders the crew to lower the lifeboats.

In a panic, the teacher shouts, “The children! Save the children!”

The lawyer pushes his way toward a lifeboat and yells, “Screw the children!”

The priest says, “Do you think we have time?”



Joke #3:

Three old guys are in a urologist’s waiting room talking. The first old guy asks the second old guy why he’s there.

Second old guy: “Well – every morning at 7 AM, I have the urge to piss like a racehorse, but when I try to go, only a few dribbles come out.”

The third old guy nods. “I know just what you mean. Every morning at 7 AM, I feel like I need to take a massive dump, but when I sit down, I only pass gas.”

The second old guy looks back to the first old guy and asks, “So – what about you? Why are you here?”

The first old guy leans forward: “Every morning at 7 AM I piss like there’s no tomorrow, and then have a bowel movement that would put an elephant to shame.”

The third old guy frowns: “So what’s the problem?”

First old guy: “I don’t get up until 8.”



Joke #4:

Three rednecks and a gay guy are out driving around in the country after a night of partying. They turn down a farm road and see a sheep with its head caught in a fence. The driver slams on the brakes, backs up, aims the headlights at the sheep, and all three rednecks jump out of the car and take turns with the sheep.

When the last redneck is done, he turns to the gay guy and asks, “You up for a little of this action?”

The gay guy shrugs and says, “Sure.  But only if you promise to get my head out of the fence when you’re done.”

2011 Layne Family Christmas Letter

It is again that time of year when baby Jesus rises from the manger, dons his red suit, and climbs aboard his sleigh to deliver dreidels and ham sandwiches to all the good, non-Muslim children of the world.

Speaking of winter, 2011 began with the first honest-to-goodness blizzard we’ve had in decades. For several weeks, our patio was converted to a “potty-o” as the snowfall totals exceeded Taffy’s ground clearance by well over 17 inches.

Karen declared 2011 the year of purging the unnecessary and lightening loads, which Mark took to include ancillary pets. Not only was Mark thwarted in his attempts to introduce the tropical fish to egg wash and Pankow bread crumbs, but his plan to set the parakeets free in time for them to reacquire their natural migratory instincts and thus return to their place of origin (which in the case of store bought birds raised in captivity is the nearest PetSmart), was likewise foiled by his bleeding heart children and bird-loving mother-in-law. In keeping with the “out-with-the-old, in-with-the-new” theme, Karen’s new husband moved in during August. He and Mark are getting along well, although the bed is a bit crowded.

Allyson was highly disappointed when her Magic 8 Ball ran afoul of her career plans by confirming she would be a famous dancer one day. Insisting it’s not fair she can’t have a cat just because her father and sister are deathly allergic, Ally decided it would be best if Amanda and Mark moved out. When confronted with the impracticability of that idea, Ally generously proposed shaving the cat so Mark and Amanda could stay.

In reading through her old school papers Mark & Karen were surprised to learn Ally’s favorite things about 2nd grade were morning snack and lunch. Now a mature third grader, having moved to the more expansive Intermediate School building and grounds, it seems recess has gained a slight edge over lunch.

Amanda has become one of her soccer team’s best defenders, a skill she no doubt acquired from watching her father repeatedly defend his manhood. Ally almost missed the fall soccer season owing to her preference for Wii athletics to sports not involving a sofa. To cure her of this predilection, Karen & Mark signed her up for boy’s flag football. Turns out she preferred soccer after all, quickly elevating her game from the previous season during which she was a finalist for the Orange Cone Award given to the player most resembling a practice drill pylon.

Amanda has adjusted to the rigors of Middle School with a shrug and a yawn. Her academic achievements and writing skills are overshadowed only by her ability to antagonize people, primarily her sister. K & M are working with a team of scientists to convert the energy the girls spend fighting into a commercially viable byproduct such as a “green” automotive propulsion system, free electricity, or a death ray.

In their quest to visit a place even colder and bleaker than Illinois, the gang traveled to Minneapolis prior to Thanksgiving to visit Mark’s childhood friend who recently relocated there. It was great to see John and Janet and their mastodon-size puppy, Lila. While the girls squandered their college savings at the Mall of Everything That’s Wrong With America, Mark caught up with a former roommate from the University of North Dakota who is there hiding from his ex-wife.

Karen continues to battle depression over her inability to clean the house more than twice per day owing to her aggressive weight lifting schedule. Incorrectly assuming he was completing the paperwork to become a living organ donor, Mark was accidentally elected to the local school board. The girls are excited to have some new “muscle” behind their pet initiatives including a three day school week, No Homework Month, and Talk Like Scooby Doo Day.

Even though George Bernard Shaw once described Christmas as an indecent, cruel, gluttonous, drunken, disorderly, wasteful, disastrous, wicked, cadging, lying, filthy, blasphemous, and demoralizing subject forced upon a reluctant and disgusted nation by shopkeepers and the press, and that if left to its own merits would wither and shrivel in the fiery breath of universal hatred, all those lights sure are pretty.

Merry Christmas to All and to All Good Grief,

Karen, Mark, Amanda, Ally (and Taffy too)

Santa Safety Video

It is again that time of year when our thoughts turn to family, friends, festive decorations, Santa Claus, and exploding houses.  Have you had your furnace checked lately?

http://youtu.be/F8XBpkjwe-g