I was having lunch at a buffet the other day. It was one of those all-you-can-eat deals where you come for breakfast and stay through dinner for the all inclusive price of $4.95. This particular buffet was of the Chinese variety and featured such venerable Asian delicacies as won ton soup, General Tso’s chicken, shrimp egg-foo-young, cheese pizza, and French fries.
I was seated near the door, enjoying my first course selections of Mongolian chicken, garlic shrimp, and a corn dog, when from out in the parking lot approached several of the largest humans I’ve seen since the latest The Biggest Loser premier. The restaurant owner spotted them too, but not in time to put the “Closed” sign in the window and lock the door.
Immediately upon ordering their beverages (“Included in Price of Buffet”), these monstrosities waddled to the nearest steam table, returning moments later carrying plates piled so high with various breaded and deep fried items topped with bacon and covered in gravy that they needed a second plate inverted over the top to prevent an avalanche of saturated fat capable of burying a small Indonesian island.
Stunned, I gazed around the restaurant, noting that patrons of average weight were a minority here. It was then it occurred to me I was witnessing a serendipitous lesson on healthy eating. To wit: watch what fat people eat, and do the opposite.
I knew I had stumbled upon a scientifically significant hypothesis which begged further study. As I sat nibbling on my Three Happiness Over Rice Noodle pondering the practicality of my theory, I quickly came to realize my original premise was fundamentally flawed. Do foods have “opposites?” For example, would beef be the logical opposite of chicken? Is a potato the opposite of a carrot? And exactly what is the antonym of deep-fried, sugar-coated bread? Steamed broccoli?
It seemed in order to truly take advantage of this opportunity for scientific study, I needed to follow one of these less-than-svelte folks around the buffet, making note of the foods they chose, and opting for only those items they sought to avoid, thereby gaining needed contrast between what were in theory poor versus healthy dietetic choices.
I selected an overall clad gent just seated to my left as my subject. In his mid to late 40’s and tipping the scales at well over 400 pounds, he seemed an ideal candidate. Placing another diner between us so as not to be spotted, I tailed him as he filled two plates with fried chicken, fried chicken tenders, onion rings, and rolls with butter.
Keeping to the same section of the buffet line, I then made my “anti” selections from the steam trays he neglected, returning to my table with sautéed green beans, baked salmon, sushi, and sautéed mushrooms.
Popping a shroom into my mouth, I paused to reflect on this topic as it relates to my own family.
My father is overweight. He likewise suffers from diverticulitis, high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, and a mean wife. His favorite food? Mayonnaise. And while he will sometimes order a salad when dining out – as long as it’s covered in fried chicken and a half gallon of ranch dressing – he will typically opt for the fat and cholesterol packed name-your-pasta alfredo, or the prime rib with a side of drawn butter.
Was it really this simple to determine the basics of a healthy diet? I decided my hypothesis required additional testing.
On our second visit to the trough, my subject elected two Chinese dishes featuring breaded, fried meats in a gelatinous, sweet-looking sauce, French-fried shrimp, spare ribs covered in an unnatural red glaze, and macaroni and cheese. I then hop-scotched through the remaining selections which included chicken with broccoli, vegetable lo mein, “Beef with Pea Pod,” and made-to-order stir fry.
For dessert? Based on my subject’s choices, I was precluded from visiting the ice cream bar or from sampling the cream puffs or mystery cakes, instead returning with orange slices, a wedge of watermelon, cottage cheese with canned peaches, and a cube of red Jell-O so resilient I had to cut it with a knife.
As my lunch hour expired, so ended the experiment. Though my research was far from conclusive, no doubt requiring further study at other buffets, there did appear to be a positive correlation between diet and weight.
Lest I be accused by the scientific community of having no empathy for the subjects of my research, however, after leaving a standard ten percent tip (on the count of it being self-service), I grabbed one of those balls of sugar-coated, deep-fried bread on my way to the door.
No wonder people are fat.
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