Packaging Industry Alive and Well

Thankfully, another Christmas has passed. All that remains to remind us of the gluttony of giving that befalls our household each year is the stack of forgotten, yet unopened toys in the corner of the living room, many of which will be re-gifted – some to our own children – in the months and weeks to come. That and my bloody knuckles, of course.

When I was a child, toys came in a box. The box was typically made of cardboard which, except in rare instances, had a photograph of its contents plastered on the lid.

This was a convenient and effective packaging system. In the first place, our parents had it made in that boxes of the day were usually square or rectangular, which made wrapping them a breeze, even for a blind person missing two fingers on each hand.

To frantic children overcome by the spirit of receiving, it was also ideal in that once the thin veneer of gaudy paper was stripped from the box, we were able to tell exactly what was inside merely by looking at the photo pasted on the lid. It was rare, for example, to open a box with a photo of GI Joe on the lid only to discover Prom Queen Barbie lurking inside. What’s more, a quick shake and the lid would slide off, providing full and almost immediate access to the contents.

Today’s product manufacturers have decided that mere photographs aren’t good enough. No – people just won’t buy a product unless they can see the actual product encased inside a clear, hermetically sealed plastic vessel impenetrable even by Navy Seals demolition experts.

And I’m not talking just about toys. The same packaging philosophy appears to apply to electronics (lest we attempt to test them to see if they work), light bulbs (lest we mistakenly buy the wrong color), baseballs, paper clips, shoes, apples, puppies, etc. Want to protect something from damage, theft, or occasional use? Have it packaged by a modern-day product manufacturer. Idea: send the Hope Diamond to Mattel. No one will ever be able to steal it.

As a result, like most parents, I spent Christmas morning surrounded by hopping, squirming, whining kids, each desperate to actually touch the glimmering items smiling at them from inside their plastic prisons. So, after hacking four Hannah Montanas free of their acrylic sarcophagi with a utility knife, tin snips, and a blowtorch, and shredding my knuckles on the razor sharp edges in the process, the children were finally able to play with their toys, right?

Wrong!

In their infinite marketing wisdom, toy manufacturers have decided that not only must we see the toy, but it must be arranged in “play” mode so children – who are known to have little in the way of imaginations – can visualize how they might use it. “Look! We can pretend that he can fly.”

In order to create a more compelling illusion of “action,” each toy is then contorted and/or arranged into an exciting action pose or clever diorama via the use of thousands of tiny wires, strings, and nearly invisible rubber bands, the workable ends of which are sandwiched between layers of cardboard sealed at the edges with unbreakable clear plastic tape, thereby rendering the toy inaccessible to any child not skilled in the use of a hacksaw. And that’s just the feature item.

When we were kids, the small accessory parts (aka “choking hazards”) were contained in a plastic baggie tucked safely into a corner of the cardboard box. Not so anymore. In order to protect our children from certain death by insuring that these items can never be played with, each miniature thingamajig is sealed in plastic and glued (using the same adhesive NASA uses to attach heat resistant tiles to the space shuttle) onto a colorful cardboard backdrop depicting some clever use for the toy. “Look, Dolly can play with her rubber ducky in the bathtub!” or “Oh, I see – she wears the shoes on her feet!”

In that it is impossible to extract these smaller items without destroying them, we usually send them out to the recycling bin with the rest of the seven metric tons of plastic and cardboard that holidays of this magnitude generate.

Of course it’s all worth the hassle to be able to sit back and watch the little ones enjoy playing with the big cardboard box from my new television.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try and get this blood stain out of Cinderella’s dress.


© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

2007 Family Christmas Letter

As Andy Williams reminds us, it is once again “…the most wonderful time of the year.” Of course, Andy is referring to football season. It is also that magical time of year when the thoughts and hopes of all young children turn to toys, presents, and that long awaited visit by a jolly old elf in a soot-tarnished red suit – except in the Layne household, that is, where ghouls, witches, vampires, and mummies cast an orange-and-black shadow over this otherwise festive, red-and-green season.

It would seem around here that the penultimate annual commemoration of our savior’s birth has taken a back seat to the ancient druid celebration of the harvest. Amanda and Ally begin discussing their Halloween costumes on November 1st, changing their minds 364 times up until the afternoon of October 31st, at which point they give up and go as whatever they were the previous year. This year, Ally was pink Jasmine (as opposed to last year’s green version), and Amanda went as Myanmar. Barely ten minutes after trick-or-treating ended, plans were set into motion for the following year. As of this writing, Ally wants to be purple Jasmine, and Amanda, petulance.

Amanda is a tall-and-spindly, creative, high maintenance creature who is drawn to the arts and depends upon her parents to keep her alive by reminding her to eat, sleep, and breathe. Ally, on the other hand, is a tough, self-sustaining sort who takes guff from no one and can forage for a full day’s nutrition right in her own nose. Having given up all attempts to tame Ally’s fearsome temper, K & M have instead elected to put her pugilistic tendencies to constructive use by enrolling her in the kick-boxing program at the local YMCA. Known as “Ally-Kazam” and her sidekick “Blankie,” she strikes fear into the hearts of the other Medinah Park District preschoolers.

This past spring, the Layne troupe made their first pilgrimage to Orlando to visit Disney’s Wonderful World of Licensed Merchandise. Karen was ecstatic, having been inculcated into the Disney cult as a child. Amanda and Ally were excited about seeing their friends, Courtney and Stephanie, who came down from New Jersey following Bon Jovi on the southern leg of their 2007 tour. Mark was the only one not necessarily looking forward to the trip, owing to his pronounced distaste for crowds, hot weather, children, and fun of any sort. Thanks in large part to the hospitality of the Elliots – cousins Brad and Sheryl in particular – he managed to have a delightful time, except for the four days he spent in bed with 104 degree fever.

As everyone knows, Disney is all about getting kids to watch television. As such, Ally nearly fainted from the thrill of meeting her idols Jasmine and Aladdin. Amanda spent the week searching each theme park for Zack, Cody, Hannah, and the brothers Jonas, who Karen and Mark assume must be characters in some new Disney western. In the end, all the expense and hassle of travel was worth it in that to this day, whenever the subject of Disney World is mentioned, Amanda and Ally’s eyes light up and their rosy cheeks crease with smiles as they recall the glorious times they had at the hotel pool.

During summer, Illinois got a taste of life in a hurricane prone state when the most severe thunderstorms in history swept through the Chicago area, uprooting trees, flooding basements, and knocking out power to over half a million people, causing local ratings of Deal or No Deal to plummet. Karen and Mark discovered that living for three days without electricity and water is a lot like camping in a really expensive tent. It was a terrific learning experience for the kids, however, who got a taste of what life was like for the early pioneers by cooking over an open fire, reading by lamplight, making potty in a bucket and tossing it out the window, trapping beavers, etc.

For Thanksgiving, the gang made the trek down to drought-plagued Atlanta to visit Leslie, Anthony, and Jayson, and to celebrate Amanda’s eighth birthday. As it turns out, showering without water isn’t half as bad as it sounds. The kids had a blast rolling around on the bottom of the empty hotel pool and playing at the local Jump Zone (until Ally bloodied the nose of an eleven-year-old boy because she didn’t like how he was looking at her sister).

Sadly, the days of the annual X-mas letter may be numbered. As it happens, kids don’t enjoy their parents making fun of them. Who knew? K&M aren’t too worried about Amanda who has a relatively evolved sense of humor – even though after reading last year’s installation she demanded stuffed animals as compensation for being libeled and abused for the past seven years. It’s Allyson who will have her parents watching their backs.

In closing, never has the underlying melancholy of the Christmas season been captured more aptly than in “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” one of many idiomatic masterpieces by author Charles M. Schultz, who also once said, “I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.”

Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,

Karen, Mark, Amanda, and Ally

Old Foes Worry Washington

WASHINGTON DC – News of Cuban President Fidel Castro’s return to health spawned renewed concerns at the White House over the potential threat to US security at the hands of the devoutly anti-American communist republic located a stone’s throw from the Florida Keys.

“We all figured he was a goner,” said Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “His return to office can only be viewed as an imminent threat to our national security.”

During his Monday morning press conference, The President concurred. “The man is a terrorist,” stated Bush. “And like all terrorists, he will be dealt with in a terrorist-like fashion.”

Amid these new concerns over the potential spread of communism to America’s doorstep, the President ordered US Naval vessels to establish a defensive perimeter in international waters between the US and Cuba.

This military deployment is in response to what sources inside the CIA cite as reliable intelligence that the 80 year old military dictator intends to allow Russia to locate land-based ballistic missiles on the island nation.

“We have concrete evidence showing the initial stages of construction of a ballistic missile base near San Cristobal in the Pinar del Rios Province of Cuba’s western coast,” President Bush stated in his weekly radio address. “Bald-faced aggression of this nature will not be tolerated a mere 90 miles from America’s most popular gay and lesbian vacation spot.”

House Democrats, who claimed the intelligence reports upon which the President and CIA had relied consisted of reconnaissance photos taken by U2 spy planes during the 1962 Cuban missile crisis, quickly withdrew their objections when poorly doctored photographs of these same representatives in compromising situations with Valerie Plame’s Chihuahua, Max, began appearing on the internet.

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the Democrat’s claims as politically motivated rubbish. “This is obviously the partisan, anti-American rhetoric of a group of fascist pinko sympathizers and likely terrorists,” said Cheney during an interview on Face the Nation. Adding, “If they dare question the policies of this administration again, I’ll shoot their faces off.”

According to a report by Walter Cronkite which aired Wednesday evening on the History Channel, nineteen cargo ships believed to be carrying Russian missile components and other Soviet military cargo were on route to Cuba with orders to ignore any US attempt to intercept them.

President Bush immediately drafted a letter to Nikita Khrushchev demanding the ships reverse course and that all offensive weapons be removed from Cuba immediately. In the event diplomatic measures fail, the President is said to be prepared to authorize a naval blockade of the tiny Caribbean nation.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow denies this new military deployment has any connection to a weekend-long classic film festival held at the President’s Texas ranch during which the President viewed the 1974 film, The Missiles of October, along with several other war, western, and sci-fi classics.

Just the same, Bush vowed to keep a close watch on a reported Indian uprising near Wounded Knee, SD, as well as to have the FBI look into rumors of a planned Japanese attack on the US naval base at Pearl Harbor. As for claims of a Martian invasion of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, the President said during his weekly taped radio address, “The Martians want New Jersey, they can have New Jersey.”

Hussein Genius Applauded

WASHINGTON DC – A ruthless dictator in life, Saddam Hussein is now being regarded as a political genius in death by the very forces who sponsored his downfall.

In a surprise about face, the Bush administration now admits removing Saddam Hussein from his role as dictator of Iraq may not have been in the world’s best interest.

“Perhaps we’ve been going about this all wrong,” Bush remarked during a White House press conference. “Rather than removing dictators from the Middle East, maybe we should be supporting the rise of new ones.”

It is no news to anyone that the situation in Iraq has deteriorated since the arrival of US troops. Prior to Hussein’s ouster, Iraq was a stable, secondary world power functioning efficiently in the global theater. Now, however, Iraq is locked in a chaotic state of rampant civil war with the US caught in the middle.

Coming in the wake of the President’s statement, House and Senate leaders agreed that removing Hussein from his leadership role in Iraq was a mistake. Though commentary on the floor ran to both ends of the spectrum, in the end, all agreed that Hussein was the only person in history able to maintain control over a disparate population of zealous, gun-toting, religious nut-jobs, and should be replaced with a like-minded individual.

While some world leaders consider the idea of reinstating a Hussein clone in Iraq as a foolhardy gesture that will only serve to plunge the nation into another generation of repression and tyranny, many others disagree.

“As it turns out, the man was a genius,” stated an official White House aide. “He may have been a brutal, murderous dictator, but apparently, that’s exactly what those folks over there need.”

Dan Weimaraner, State Department spokesperson, believes that the fighting and unrest is merely a cry for help. “Fear is the only thing some people respond to,” said Weimaraner. “It’s the same reason nuns carry yardsticks.”

While most experts agree that Saddam’s success as a leader was attributable to his clever if not ruthless application of fear, it was his willingness to experiment with non-traditional types of intimidation and terror which seemed to yield the greatest results.

According to General William Bombgard of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the US military has been ineffective in Iraq largely because the typical Iraqi insurgent doesn’t fear death.

“What he does fear, however, is being fed to a tiger, or having his testicles cut off and shoved down his throat in front of his kids,” stated Bombgard. “Unfortunately, the Geneva Convention currently prevents us from taking such measures.”

Sociologist Marvin Gardner of New York University agrees. “Just like all children crave boundaries, Iraqis crave terror. It’s the only thing they respond to.”

In a recent broadcast on Al Jazeera, Shiite cleric Kilal Ben Dik Hed Abu Azhol said, “Saddam Hussein was the devil and deserved to die, as do the infidels who removed him from power.” Azhol also called for the deaths of all Christians, Sunnis, non-Arabic Muslims, and people who eat broccoli.

Some speculate the United States’ lack of military success in Iraq coupled with growing anti-war sentiment at home have swayed the President’s thinking, causing him to reconsider his policies for the Middle East in general.

When questioned about the decision by Congress to reinstate a Hussein-like dictator to the Iraqi throne, the President said, “Sometimes you need a bigger whooping stick, which is what we had with Saddam.”

A senior White House official who preferred to remain unnamed told reporters that even prior to his execution, measures had been put in place to commute the sentence the kangaroo Iraqi court placed upon Hussein in the hope of returning him to his seat of power.

Bush considered Hussein's death a setback, but noted there are hundreds if not thousands of "Saddam Husseins" out there just aching for the opportunity to continue with the former dictator's good work, and believed it was only a matter of time before CIA field operatives would find another despot to take Hussein's place.

Said Bush, “People have criticized me for having no exit strategy from Iraq – well, put this in your Hookah and smoke it.”

© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.

Mascot Mayhem

South Bend – In the wake of the ouster of legendary University of Illinois symbol, Chief Illiniwek, University of Notre Dame officials are this week considering the fate of their own mascot and spokes model, as well as the future of the Fighting Irish moniker.

The move on the part of the Notre Dame board of directors to reevaluate their widely recognized trademark is preemptive in nature and likely fueled by the NCAA’s recent crusade against “hostile or abusive mascots or images.”

“We have had complaints,” said Maggie Donnelly, Office of Community Relations for the University. The complaints Donnelly refers to originate primarily from the Irish Image Reform Association, an activist group who claims the mascot and moniker are insulting to persons of Irish descent.

“It gives people the impression that all we Irish do is drink and fight,” stated Association President, Golden Gloves boxer, and part-time bartender, Patrick Monahan. “We’re concerned that outsiders may get the wrong idea of the Irish culture.”

According to University of Notre Dame president, Rev. John I. Jinkers, it is the University’s intention to head off any potential action by the NCAA which could compromise their teams’ eligibility for post season play. “It’s a sign of the times in which we live that we must strive to eliminate all racial and/or potentially controversial elements from our day-to-day lives.”

The University of Notre Dame is said to have adopted the Fighting Irish appellation by happenstance over some vicious taunting by Northwestern University nuclear physics students during an 1899 football contest.

“At the time, calling someone ‘Irish’ was akin to uttering some of todays more offensive and degrading racial epithets,” said Sean Mangus, Professor of US History at the University of Pennsylvania. “Back then, the Irish were considered dirty, untrustworthy people you wouldn’t want your kids to hang around with.”

Regardless of the dubious origins of its public identity, Notre Dame – namesake of the famed Gothic cathedral in Paris, France – rapidly became an icon among the Irish and pseudo-Irish community, even though the institution has no formal connection to Ireland whatsoever. The University nevertheless embraced its albeit tenuous association with The Green Isle – as well as the generous financial support of the thriving Chicago area Irish Catholic community – by adopting the leprechaun as its official school mascot.

A mythical figure from Irish folklore, the leprechaun is a small male faerie known for his feisty, ill-tempered, and mischievous nature. Said to be possessed of magical powers, leprechauns can supposedly guarantee wealth and protection to any who might capture one (except acting ND head football coaches).

The irascible, elf-like creature first appeared in a cut-away green suit, Irish country hat, and shillelagh at the start of the 1965 football season. He has since become a fixture at all home varsity sporting events. Prior to the leprechaun, the University’s official mascot was an Irish terrier named Clashmore Mike, and prior to that, an artichoke.

Surprisingly, though a seemingly benign if not embarrassing symbol, the familiar leprechaun does not enjoy the support of all Notre Dame fans and faculty.

Notre Dame alumna, Eileen Shanahan, is disgusted by what she considers an abuse of elfin iconography. “I mean – leprechauns are people too, aren’t they? So is it fair to stereotype them all as odd, nasty little men always begging for a fight?”

NCAA president Myles Bland believes it is the NCAA’s obligation to consider complaints from outside interests seriously. “It is the policy of this organization to present a wholesome image of intercollegiate athletics. As such, we cannot allow institutions of higher education to perpetrate insensitive references to racial minorities, religious groups, forces of nature, ancient extinct civilizations, mythical war-like figures, or animals with unattractive or aggressive qualities.”

Civil rights organizations applaud this increased level of sensitivity with respect to minorities and special interest groups, initiatives the NCAA maintains are rooted in their mission to be more responsive to public concerns.

Inside media sources conversely believe the NCAA’s recent push to make intercollegiate athletics as non-controversial as possible has far more to do with their concerns over the potential loss of billions in annual television revenues in this post-Janet-Jackson era.

Some new University of Notre Dame slogans and mascots currently under consideration include the Golden Domers (Mascot Idea: a bald Jesuit monk with a gold spray painted cranium), the Capitulating Frenchmen (Mascot Ideas: either a student in a foam French fry costume with his hands raised in surrender, or Napoleon Bonaparte with a cartoonishly large head), the Holy Rollers (Mascot Idea: a Rastafarian priest brandishing a giant spleef), and the Saintly Smoters (Mascot Idea: an angry, baseball-bat-wielding Jesus). The University previously rejected Pugnacious Pugilists, Bellicose Barflies, Cantankerous Catholics, and Haggis as inappropriate given the public message they are attempting to convey.

Under new NCAA policies, Notre Dame isn’t the only school considering a shift in identity. According to the NCAA, a fair number of colleges and universities will need to “rethink” their mascots, slogans, and catch phrases. For example, the Florida State Seminoles will soon be the FSU Kittys, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks (known by their fans simply as “Cocks”) will make the switch to the Peckers, the Arkansas State University Indians will become the Rednecks, and the Oregon State Beavers will transition to the OSU Naughty Female Body Parts. A plan to rename the Arizona State’s Sun Devils to the Ecstasy Addicts was recently rejected by ASU officials.

By the same token, there are a number of schools who won’t need to make changes. “The University of Hawaii Rainbows already fits the NCAA vision of proper symbolism,” says Bland. Others team names such as the Hoyas (Georgetown) and Hoosiers (Indiana) will remain in tact in that nobody knows what a Hoya or a Hoosier is. (The State of Indiana, however, will be forced to change its name to Nativeamericana.)

The NCAA likewise ruled Purdue's Boilermakers – named for a cocktail popular with steel workers in the 1930’s – is not in itself offensive, but that mascot Purdue Pete could be construed as making fun of hydrocephalic individuals, hence the University’s decision to replace Pete with a giant shot glass in time for the start of the 2008 football season.

When asked about Michigan State University’s recent move to retire the moniker Spartans in favor of Serial Killers, Bethany Martin, Director of MSU Sports Relations, says the change makes perfect sense. “I can certainly see how direct descendants of ancient Sparta might find Sparty the Spartan offensive – what with his overly prominent chin and all – whereas nobody likes a serial killer, not even other serial killers.”

It is under this same pretext the NCAA forced the University of Illinois to retire the name, regalia, and image of Chief Illiniwek in March, 2007. In a tradition dating back to 1926, Chief Illiniwek – aka “The Chief” – portrayed by a student in traditional Oglala Sioux ceremonial dress – would perform a Native American “fancy dance” during the halftime of men’s home varsity football and basketball games.

Though most University of Illinois students, faculty, and alumni considered The Chief a proud tradition respectful of the State’s Native American heritage, certain Native American groups, namely the National Indian Education Association and the National Congress of American Indians, found the symbol to be “predominantly offensive and deeply disparaging to Native Americans.”

"Illiniwek," an Algonquin word meaning, “the complete human being – the strong, agile human body, and the indomitable human spirit,” is from whence the State of Illinois derives its name. Regardless, according to The Chief’s critics, it is high time this dramatic and dignified depiction of Native American culture was eliminated so as to “stomp out any remaining public memory of the Illiniwek people,” a consortium of Algonquin tribes who once thrived in the central Midwest.

Though reluctant to go on record with anything which could be construed as legally actionable, Ronald Rizza, University of Illinois professor of sociology, explained it is the belief of Native Americans that by further isolating themselves from mainstream American society, they might one day hope to overcome the misunderstanding and mistrust that plunged their people into decades of destitution, impoverishment, and substance abuse dating back to the arrival of the first white settlers from Europe.

Oneida Casino manager, Percy Stumbling Bull, agreed. “Bull” believes the University of Illinois’ decision is a crucial first step in his people’s goal to eradicate all traces of Native American culture from the prying eyes of white society. “Current generations of whites don’t realize their ancestors essentially stole North America from indigenous peoples. As such, it has been our ongoing policy to attempt to erase our historical legacy from the modern world, thereby honoring our ancestors by protecting their obscurity – at least until such time as gambling revenues allow us to buy back the Louisiana Purchase.”

Other measures under consideration by the NCAA include broadcasting all televised games in Spanish, making cheerleaders wear bloomers, forcing colleges to earmark a certain number of scholarships for illegal immigrants, changing Division I varsity football from tackle to touch, replacing half of all head coaches with members of the clergy, making personal fouls in men’s and women’s basketball a felony, requiring referees to wear flowered shirts, and having Alabama head football coach Nick Saban shot.

Editor’s Note: As an added measure of solidarity with the Native American community, The Illinois General Assembly is currently considering legislation to change the name of the State of Illinois to The State Just East of Missouri, and Chicago – a word derived from the Algonquin “chigagou” meaning “onion field” – to Detroit.



© 2007 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.