2024 Layne Family Christmas Letter

Well, here we are again. To paraphrase Cheech and Chong, another year up in smoke.

Despite the gloom and doom pre-election messaging from the CIA sponsored mass media outlets and the deep state-controlled entertainment industry, as of this writing, all leading indicators would suggest the world has not ended. Only time will tell if that’s a good thing.

2024 began as 2023 ended with travel, this time to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry – Orlando Campus – where Ally gave serious consideration to entering the transfer portal prior to her senior year. As it turns out, the NIL money wasn’t nearly enough to lure her away from Iowa City and her beloved Hawkeye nation. Nevertheless, all enjoyed rubbing elbows with the many robe-clad witches, wizards, and sticky children crawling about Universal’s stadium-size restaurants and overstimulating attractions. The crew also visited Kennedy Space Center where Mark was sorely disappointed he couldn't hitch a ride back to his mothership. 

In April, Sylvia shed her chemo-wracked body for what we imagine was a tear-filled reunion with Don. It seems she felt Don had suffered too long under the delusion that he’d won their last argument and was determined to set the record straight. Although diagnosed with ovarian cancer several years prior, her official cause of death was systemic organ failure resulting from chemotherapy, ironically the very treatments she believed would cure her. Not long after Syl’s departure, her sister Adel joined the party, thereby reuniting the whole Lemanski clan. We pray they don’t run out of Cutty Sark in heaven.

Speaking of gravestones, in March, Karen added another row to her eclectic and unconventional resume’ when she joined the staff of the Peter Troost Monument Company, a local purveyor of cemetery monuments, grave markers, and pretty much anything else you can make from granite save countertops. In keeping with custom, she finds herself surrounded by another quirky group of co-workers straight out of central casting. Holding to the philosophy of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” they still employ many of the same procedures, equipment, facilities, and staff that were there when the company was founded in 1889. Karen nevertheless enjoys her 1.2 mile commute, three day workweek, and her brushes with celebrities –  most dead, some apparently still revered by adoring fans. (Mark is disappointed they weren’t clever enough to give their employees Tombstone Pizza gift certificates as a holiday bonus.)

After listening to her friends and cohorts profess the many benefits of a career in nursing such as working seven consecutive twelve-hour shifts of alternating days and nights as well as prevalent contact with bodily discharges, Ally made an academic course correction, electing to return to her familiar athletic milieu in pursuit of a degree in exercise science. It is her goal to motivate and assist other athletes in reaching their full potential both physically and academically as she claims to have done for former classmate and protégé, JJ McCarthy.

Speaking of jobs, in May, Mark was released from the telecommunications project management role he’d held the prior two years. He cheerfully utilized the ensuing six months reclaiming a fraction of the millions he contributed into the Illinois unemployment security system over past 40 years while getting some projects done around the house. In fall, he again subjected himself to the rigors of officiating high school football, earning even greater respect and sympathy for the striped pariahs whose job it is to learn and apply roughly 10,000 abstract and nuanced rules compiled by a dyslexic law student, all while keeping track of 22 testosterone-enraged teenagers who, at the urgings of their perpetually irate coaches, scatter at the snap like illegals during an immigration raid, violating as many of said rules as possible during the five seconds it takes to complete a typical down. (One of his fellow officials described the job like trying to count cattle in the middle of a stampede.) He recently accepted a new role as a sherpa leading explorers on remote expeditions to exotic Upper-Midwest locations like Kokomo, Ixonia, Quasqueton, and Chokio.

For the better part of the months of May, June, and July we were beset by a plague straight out of the Old Testament when both the 13- and 17-year cicada broods emerged from the earth and began terrorizing teenage girls throughout the upper Midwest. It was impossible to go outside without being dive-bombed and so loud we couldn’t even hear the rap music blaring from the Amazon delivery truck. They’re harmless except for the fact that they pee on you when threatened – which Mark discovered one day while reading on the patio – and the bites we all suffered from the mites which feast on their decaying carcasses after they die. On the bright side, Maggie found them fun to torture and tasty too!

Speaking of Maggie, when she wasn’t snacking on cicadas, she would wait patiently for hours under one of our two backyard trees in hopes the resident squirrel would fall dead at her feet after succumbing to starvation and/or dehydration, thereby saving her the trouble of chasing it around the yard and killing it herself. Her faithful companion remained ever at her side, providing critical support by dashing to a vacant spot in the yard and barking at the sky, the shed, or the fence, clueless as to why but proud to be doing such important work.

Speaking of Sparky, given the current cultural sensitivity to offending protected classes, the word “retard” and “retarded” have been largely eradicated from our everyday lexicon – except in the case of Sparky as no other words more aptly describe his unique persona. We have come to learn that the Mongoloidian Poo Hound – a designer dog bred for its soft fur, sweet disposition, and tender meat – is now extinct in urbanized areas owing to its limited mental capacity and tendency to jump in front of moving cars to avoid being attacked by parkway trees. In conformance with the current public sentiment against whiteness, he works tirelessly to cover his fur in filth whenever left unsupervised, occupying the balance of his waking hours licking his paws, furniture, rugs, the patio, and Karen.

In September, Amanda decided to meet her pathological anxiety head-on by confronting two of what psychiatrists consider the top five most stressful life events. Because their lives weren’t sufficiently complicated, Amanda and Todd made the decision to cohabitate. After an extensive search, they signed a lease at a new, hip apartment complex off a major tollway exit in the southwest DuPage metropolis of Warrenville. How we fit 2,000 square feet of furniture into their 700 square foot space remains a miracle for the ages.

Days after moving, in an apparent effort to bolster the wealth of future generations of oil Sheiks, Amanda left her familiar social media role at Morraine Valley CC and agreed to a new writing-focused gig at Elmhurst University. At the same time, Todd ended his several months of unemployment by accepting a new job in the far north suburb of Long Grove. They now spend most of their quality time on the phone whilst driving or enjoying each other’s company during their brief encounters on weekday evenings and the two hours they’re not sleeping on weekends. So far, Amanda likes her new job which is more aligned with her love for writing. She is, however, struggling to adjust to her in-office, five-day workweek which has cut into her online shopping and warm season tanning.

Later in September, K & M cashed in an aging voucher for two free nights at a Wyndham Helltel (Wyndham’s motto: Many rooms now with toilets!”) for a weekend pilgrimage to Canton, OH, to visit the Pro Football HOF. Karen reveled in the abundant display of Bears history and memorabilia dating back to their origins as one of the founding professional football franchises and leading up to and including their present status as the laughingstock of the NFL.

In November, K & M hosted a Thanksgiving prelim when Leslie and Jayson paid a visit. Mark and Leslie somehow managed to assemble a traditional array of seasonal favorites without Sylvia looking over their shoulders, questioning their every move, and offering her disapproving glares. This test drive was followed two weeks later by Amanda's 25th birthday bash then actual Thanksgiving. Todd and family joined us for both events, after which everyone hit the road overstuffed and sleepy for their long drives home. So far, there have been no reports of food poisoning or missing persons.

Which leads us to the present day and all the pre-Christmas hullaballoo necessary to get us into the true spirit of the season which seems to revolve around unchecked consumerism and stressful familial obligations. (Not the least of which involves Karen requiring Mark’s company at the annual screening of the fourteen-hour-long Christmas classic It’s a Wonderful Life at our local cinema. Fortunately for Mark, they offer free refills on large buckets of popcorn, but sadly no alcohol.)

The divergent sentiments of this festive season are perhaps best captured by two quotes, one from humorist Erma Bombeck who wrote, “Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog who drew her name,” and the other by Charlie Brown’s little sister, Sally, who said, “Christmas is getting all you can get while the getting is good.”

May you all lean-in to the season of your choosing.

Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,

Karen, Mark, Amanda, Ally, Maggie, and Scummy