VATICAN CITY – As the dust settles from the election of Pope Benedict XVI, the 264th successor to St. Peter, sources inside the Vatican expressed relief today over former Pope John Paul II’s passing.
A high ranking cardinal who wished to remain anonymous stated that Pope John Paul’s final years were in reality much different than the carefully managed public perception proffered by the Vatican.
“He was barely coherent,” the source claimed. “He would most of the time just sit in his rocking chair, drooling, looking for the television remote. I would ask him, ‘Hey. What’s a matta you? He would smile, babble a word or two about Madonna, hum a few bars of ‘Material Girl,’ then go back to staring.”
Certain high ranking members of the Catholic Church in the US concur that John Paul had outlived his usefulness.
“He was in his position much too long,” claimed Bishop Edmund Ford of the Auburn Hills Diocese in Michigan. “Rumor has it the last seven to ten years of his papacy, all he wanted to do was wander St. Peter’s Square and ogle attractive women.”
Although the Vatican won’t confirm or deny such rumors, experts in Rome believe the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals selection of 78 year old Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was indeed motivated by his age and the limited potential longevity of his office.
“It’s forced obsolescence,” said Heinrich Wienerplatz, chancellor of the Office of German-American Relations in New York. “It’s their way of ensuring turnover at the position, something we Germans will not stand for.”
Others claim the Vatican’s motivation wasn’t so much to make the papacy a revolving door, but to open more avenues of opportunity for dozens of cardinals who have devoted their lives to serving the Church.
“It’s payback,” said Luigi don Giovese of the Palermo Italy based Mutual Association of Families for Italian Ascendancy. “Most of these guys have given up everything to serve God. They just want a little somethin’ – you know – for the effort.”
Father Cody Wilson of the Surf’s Up Ministry in Hermosa Beach, CA, agrees.
“It’s a chance for these dudes to live in a really bitchin’ house and have people wait on them hand and foot. After a lifetime of celibacy and being forced to wear those funny hats, it’s the least they deserve.”
Though some expect Ratzinger to carry on the reforms begun by his close friend and predecessor, Pope John Paul II, others aren’t quite as confident. According to Randall Johnson, associate professor of theology at Criminy University of Religious Studies in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, Ratzinger is regarded by most theologians as a strict guardian of Roman Catholic tradition, and may well resurrect many of the church’s archaic practices.
“Ya, hey. Before year’s end, we fully expect to see more than a few heretics burned at the stake,” said Johnson.
Renaldo Manzanilla of the American Dominican University in Prague disagrees, doubting Ratzinger will re-visit such extreme measures.
“Seizure of property, public scourging, imprisonment – that’s one thing,” said Manzanilla. “Execution is something altogether different.”
Regardless, Ratzinger’s reputation as a hard line adherent to Catholic doctrine and social conservatism is a definite blow to those groups hoping for religious reform. Jonathan Holmes, spokesperson for Vatican watchdog group, Catholics for Sex, believes Ratzinger’s appointment sets his movement back fifteen years.
“It’s a shame,” Holmes said. “Toward the end, I believe John Paul was coming around to our way of thinking. I even heard they found a Penthouse magazine under his mattress.”
Though the Vatican disputes the former pontiff had any intention of easing the century-old restrictions on “recreational” sex among married Catholics, Holmes believes differently.
“Had he hung around a few more years, who knows? Catholics could have been having unprotected, non-reproductive sex in every conceivable position, with no fear of eternal damnation whatsoever.”
Holmes and many of his flock are now debating whether to renounce their Christian faith, and turn to a more open ideology.
“The Vatican’s decision leaves us very little choice,” Holmes stated, adding, “We’re not crazy about what they eat, but Hindus for example sure have a lot more fun in the sack.”
Other reform groups are relieved at the selection of a near octogenarian to head the church.
“If it had to be a hard-liner, at least he’s old,” commented Chianti Martini, religion reporter for the popular Italian underground paper, Daily Scungili. “It gives the more liberal Catholic sects some hope that, within their lifetimes, a younger voice might appear to ease the Church into the 17th Century.” Martini also claimed, later in the same article, that Pope John Paul II was likely an extraterrestrial.
Ratzinger’s election also opens the door for a new round of turf wars between Christian denominations in the US. Presbyterian minister Donald Drysdale is quick to point out that The Catholic Church isn’t exactly known for its progressive thinking.
“Let’s be honest. It only took them, what – three centuries to pardon Galileo?” Drysdale is of course referring to Galileo’s conviction for heresy in 1633 at the hand of Pope Gregory XIII – a crime for which the Vatican Council forgave Galileo in 1992, nine years after Pope John Paul II initiated an investigation into his condemnation, and 359 years after his wrongful imprisonment and subsequent death in prison.
Reaction in the Jewish community over Ratzinger’s appointment is understandably mixed, especially given Ratzinger’s former ties to Nazi Germany. Elohim Plotnik, director of the L’chiam Latke Center for Hebrew Reflection and Nosh in Chicago’s suburban Highland Park, believes that for the most part, Jews have left their dislike of Germans in the past.
“Not all Germans are genocidal fascists,” said Plotnik, “just like not all Jews have big noses.” Plotnik went on to add, “That being said, I must imagine Hitler is smiling.”
Whether viewed as a positive or negative, Pope John Paul II’s death was certainly a polarizing event worldwide.
Andy Miller of Chicago is just glad it’s over. “At least it means an end to all those friggin’ red and white flags,” said Miller, referring to the proliferation of Polish national flags that occurred throughout the Chicago area following John Paul’s death.
“With the largest Polish population outside Warsaw, it is only fitting people here would want to show respect for their countryman and spiritual leader by hanging the flag of our homeland out their car window, or making it into a babushka they could wear on their heads,” said Andrzej Budinski, owner of a butcher shop in Chicago’s Portage Park neighborhood.
Will the last person to leave Poland please turn out the lights.
© 2005 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.
