HEALTH INSURANCE UPDATE!
Important Announcement concerning your current PPO coverage…
As reported recently in the news, health care costs in the US have risen over 107% during the past six months and are projected to quadruple in the next five years.
In an effort to keep your health plan affordable, yet continue to provide you with the same quality care and services you’ve come to expect from our plan providers, several changes have been instituted with regard to your current health care program:
- Your approved provider list has been enhanced to include only those physicians who have been in practice for less than one year. Only in this way you can be assured of receiving the most “cutting edge” medical advice from the “freshest” young minds in the business, while at the same time avoiding the unnecessary higher costs and fees associated with so called “experienced” practitioners.
- Recent studies have shown that most illnesses and injuries will go away on their own given sufficient time. In that regard, all plan members must now satisfy a seven week waiting period prior to requesting and/or receiving treatment from a plan physician. Of course certain medical conditions are of a more “severe” nature and can’t wait seven weeks for treatment. Toward that end, we will now supply all plan members with free aspirin.
- During the early part of this country’s history, doctors were scarce and demand for quality medical care was high. In response to this situation, our forefathers developed their own brand of backwoods medicine that is still in use today in parts of our nation where disease and injury are widespread, but the ability to pay is not. Because your financial well being is just as important to us as your physical well being, you will soon receive a complementary copy of Aunt Agnes’ Appalachian Apothecary, a ground-breaking guide to homeopathic medicine, chock full of homespun remedies used for centuries to keep rural Americans plodding along. (We’re sure you’ll agree there’s no sense filing an insurance claim for something a mustard poultice and a few leeches can clear up!)
- In coming weeks, we will also be sending you a free home surgery kit. While we obviously do not recommend that plan members perform complex procedures such as multiple heart by-pass or ocular transplants, simple tumor excisions and/or angioplasties are not only within the mien of the well read layperson, but a fun activity the whole family can enjoy.
- Studies have shown that a person’s state of mind has a direct impact on their physical well being. Since an emotionally healthy person is far less likely to suffer physical illness, we have entered into an agreement with the Pez candy corporation to design a series of custom Zoloft dispensers featuring various celebrity likenesses. The first release of these collector quality, molded plastic dispensers should be available by fall and will feature Robert Downey Jr., Ozzie Osbourne, Kurt Cobain, Elvis, and Kathie Lee Gifford among others.
- Most of us are well aware that hospitals are the primary culprits behind this nation’s rising health care costs. For this reason, we have expanded our list of plan-approved hospitals to include those located outside the continental US (Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico inclusive). It has been our experience that these “offshore” institutions, who remain unencumbered by the restrictive, non-cost-effective policies and regulations as established by the FDA and AMA, are able to provide economical – if not experimental – treatments at a fraction of the cost of the typical “on-shore” alternative. Naturally, we realize travel is not always an option for the more severely ill, and for that reason, plan members may continue to patronize any US hospital they choose, as long as they have been declared legally dead prior to being admitted.
We’re confident these enhancements to your PPO plan will allow us to continue to provide you with quality healthcare, while simultaneously keeping a lid on rising medical and hospitalization costs to you and your employer.
To your good health!
© 2004 Mark J. Layne/Layne-Duck Productions, Ltd.
