Friday, December 18, 2015

2015 Layne Family Christmas Letter

It is once again that festive time of year when we gather around the Christmas tree, raise our steaming mugs of mulled wine, and join together singing Negro spirituals.
Sadly, the Laynes have dedicated 2015 to proving themselves the most boring family on Earth, resulting in perhaps the dullest edition of this tome ever.  You’d think they could at least count on Taffy to get skunked or eaten by a coyote, but alas, no.  If they don’t step up their game in 2016, their humdrum existence and inability to do anything even remotely interesting or humorous may spell the end of this annual treatise to the foibles of family hood.
Amanda's sophomore year is proving no more kind in terms of homework or her social discomfort.  She finds high school girls a disingenuous gaggle of despicable , backstabbing, self-absorbed narcissists concerned only with their own Snapchat stories, and the school itself a fetid petri dish of virulent disease.  So far, she has fought the urge to follow fully in Howard Hughes footsteps, stopping short of refusing to trim her fingernails or engaging in profligate substance abuse.  Karen and Mark hope the bio-containment suit they bought her for Xmas fits.
The victim of successive concussions during her freshman soccer season, Amanda is the only student in her driver’s education class who wears a crash helmet and balaclava – not because she is reckless, but in case some old woman on a mobility scooter races past and runs her off the road.  For Thanksgiving, Amanda traveled to Colorado with some friends to visit a former classmate who moved there to flee religious persecution and partake in the many medicinal benefits of cannabis.  It was nice to have only one child at home to complain during the holidays.  Karen and Mark are already planning her summer-long trip to Sri Lanka.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, Leslie and Jayson ventured north to join us once again.  Jayson continues to grow at such a violent pace that he will soon overtake Texas as the second largest state in the union.  Leslie has been forced to special order his shoes from a shipbuilder in Newport News, VA.
Speaking of shoes, Allyson was placed under a special order of protection by the FBI when they discovered radical Islamic terrorists wanted to use her feet to develop a deadly neuro toxin.  It all started when Karen’s car was impounded by Homeland Security after Ally left her softball cleats in back overnight, causing the morning car pool passengers to become nauseated and disoriented.
Fortunately, Ally and Amanda are getting along better – on alternate Tuesdays.  Having grown tired of listening to Amanda bemoan her disease du jour, Ally has generously extended an open invitation to escort Amanda to the “dying hole.”
For Spring Break, the clan endured the 6.2 million mile car ride to Sanibel, FL, for the annual Bald Guys Gone Wild festivities.  After driving for sixteen days, they arrived at the quaint island paradise populated primarily by bicycle-wielding octogenarians.  Tragedy was narrowly averted when Karen veered off the bike path and tumbled into a Mangrove swamp, almost losing the tomato she just purchased at the local market for $17.95.  Fortunately, she protected the rented bike from serious damage, using her body to cushion its fall.  Though badly bruised and humiliated, her security deposit was returned in full.
Speaking of the beach, Mark continues to gradually disintegrate like a sand castle at high tide.  Owing to his once beloved University of Illinois’ steadfast dedication to bolstering its reputation as the bellwether for malfeasance and mismanagement in higher education, Mark has traded his Bachelor’s degree for a certificate of completion from the Pivot Point School of Beauty and Cosmetology.  He’s offering a special on French manicures during the month of January.  Book your appointments now.
As J.B. Priestly said of Christmas, “Something in me resists the calendar expectation of happiness.”
Nevertheless, Merry Christmas to All, and to All Good Grief,
Karen, Mark, Amanda, Ally, and Taffy