Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Alabama Under Siege Over Auburn Victory

Alabama governor Rob Riley declared martial law today as celebrations resulting from Auburn University’s first national championship in 53 years spilled over into a third day of revelry.

Riley ordered National Guard troops to secure key government facilities and certain commercial establishments being targeted by looters such as liquor stores, tobacco shops, and auto parts dealers.

Recent ice storms which have shut down transportation in several southern states including Alabama and Georgia have only made matters worse with food shortages and most workweek activities skidding to a screeching halt. Riley will likely ask President Obama for federal aid.

“It’s really pandemonium down here,” Riley stated during his most recent press conference. “Folks can’t get to work or school, so nobody has had a good reason to stop partying.”

Birmingham mayor William A. Bell concurred. “Most of our citizens haven’t slept in several days, and with the schools closed, folks just keep drinking and shooting their guns in the air.”

Outside Birmingham, roving bands of unsupervised, sleep-deprived children wander zombie-like through the ice covered streets, screaming “War Eagle!” as their parents stare with bloodshot eyes at their television sets, watching replays of the BCS championship game on an endless loop.

In a Huntsville suburb, a cluster of children was found praying before a statue of Auburn head football coach, Gene Chizik, which they had fashioned out of mud.

“I looked out my window and saw seven or eight school kids make this likeness of coach with dirt and sticks,” said Auburn resident Lurleen Cowslip. “They stood there chantin’ and worshippin’ what they made. Then after a while, a couple of em started to eat it.”

Lurleen’s neighbor, Cooter Hogpile, was horrified at the spectacle. “I ain’t never seen cannibals before, but them kids sure enjoyed eating coach. Had to turn my head once.”

Sources close to Governor Riley say he hasn’t ruled out the use of deadly force to quell the uprising.

“We haven’t seen unrest like this in our state since the civil rights movement,” a governor’s aide said. “If we need to shoot a few kids to restore order, so be it.”

It seems everyone even remotely connected to Auburn University has joined in the celebration. Speaking from his estate in Scottsdale, AZ, former Auburn student and NBA superstar, Charles Barkley, remarked, “This is a great victory for Auburn and a huge victory for the south. It’s the whole reason we fought in and won the Civil War.”

Tigers fever has even spread to the heights of the state’s political infrastructure as the Alabama Legislature passed a resolution on Tuesday demanding the Atlanta based fast food giant Chick-fil-A change the names of all their Alabama locations to “Chizik-fil-A” in honor of Auburn’s victory.